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Fateshapers - Ch1

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jjb:
The change of POV needs to have something to mark it. I was confused when the perspectives shifted.

Also, I don't know if my mind wasn't processing everything I read or not, but I had no idea where all the other kids came from. We start off with Lias, then when I think his sister is showing up suddenly Jordan, Holly, and another girl are there. I had no idea who these people were and what made them different from each other.

You have to get rid of your fascination with beheading. Unless that's the only way werewolves can be killed, I was a bit put off that the first two werewolves were decapitated.

And I agree with the person above; all of the pronouns made it hard to know who was saying what. When I stopped to re-read the sentences, I think I figured out who said what, but I don't want to re-read each sentence.


The Jordan and Lias people seemed to come from a more modern world, with the word principal being used, but they didn't seem very surprised when the guy with the sword showed up. And if the weapons(I think they were called relics) they grabbed off the walls really were relics, I don't think they would have thought so quickly and casually to use them.

Hmmm. Can't think of anything more to say. Good idea for a story so far, but it needs a lot of polishing and character development and all that mushy goodness.




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And I think the “They wouldn't be they, would it?” that Necro pointed out should have been "That wouldn't be them, would it?"

AvalonDreamer:
Thank you for your input, folks ^^ Time to continue trudging onward.

If any of you are interested in reading it for the sake of reading, I can put you on my alpha reader list; my monthly submissions are going to be my current chapter (seems kind of stupid to submit the next sequential chapter, when I'm four or five or ten ahead of that).

Silk:
If you're going to submit your current chapter, then I'd suggest you write synopses of whatever happens in between the chapters you submit, or we'll be REALLY confused.

And just remember if you do that that while synopses tell us what happens, they don't give us the same effect as reading actual prose, and sometimes it's hard to get everything...

little wilson:
I agree with pretty much everything that's been said so far. There needs to be more character development. Maybe not a whole lot this early on, but a little bit. I liked the part with Lias and the charm that his mother gave him. It gave him a little more depth. I also liked the flashbacks with Fuei.

Setting is slightly confusing. Like the others have said, it seems almost modern, yet the swords make it more archaic. In my mind, the werewolves do as well, but that's less so than the swords.

I thought the first werewolf died too quick. I'm okay with HOW he died, it just seemed too fast. The second one was more believable.

How old are the characters? I get the impression they're in their early teens, and yet that seems too young. So a part of me wants to put them older, around 17 or something. And Fuei I really don't know about...especially with the flashbacks. They make him seem older (not older older, but just older than the others, but not by a whole lot...plus his whole Warden status...).

Start out the story a little slower. It literally jumps right into the action, and sometimes that can be okay, but with this it just seemed to move too fast.

All that said, I was very interested. I liked it. The action sequences were pretty cool, and the flow of the words was nice. I, like Raethe, thought there were some sweet lines in there, including the one at the end of Jordan's POV. I'd be interested in reading more. I've always got time to slack off from school....even when it is getting toward the end of the semester.

wcarter4:
Well, I missed lunch reading your story. That is as good a compliment as I can give. The pacing was fast and I like the no-nonsense approach to action. On the other hand I have virtually no idea which character is which. You use too many pronouns when you have a group of several people. I want to know a little more about this "school" and why a bunch of kids are wearing weapons which I can imagine are quite expensive, and more importantly wielding them. I assume the school has something to do with this, now I'm curious.

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