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Messages - nikitakit

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Brandon Sanderson / Re: Hoid's Shard abilities in WoK (minor spoilers)
« on: October 02, 2010, 08:57:15 AM »
I think Hoid existing in Shadesmar is a pretty good theory. The possibility of pseudo-reincarnation made me think of the beginning of "The Liar of Partinel" (Dragonsteel). And isn't Dragonsteel the second planned series (besides the Stormlight Archive) that's supposed to feature Hoid's backstory?

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Reading Excuses / Re: Jan 18, Recovering Cynic, Discharge First Complete Draft L, V
« on: January 22, 2010, 04:12:34 AM »
Great story! I feel hesitant giving advice considering how I would never have written something this interesting.

A few things confused me in the story during the first read. These are almost certainly my fault because of reading too fast, but I think I'll mention them anyway
1. The spook talking: on first read, I got confused and thought that was the pilot, still speaking. I guess this is because I did't know the word "spook" and much of the other military jargon.
2. I don't quite understand Breaching, besides the fact that they break into a building(?). The description of what is outside could probably be more detailed. Right now I only see three sentences with some repetition: "Banks of windows whipped by interspersed by short bursts of darkness. ...  Each building whipping by was a self-contained city."
3. Somehow I had forgotten about the two mentions of wiping by the end of the story

As for the outline, I think your story fits rather well. The only possible incongruity would be at the very end of the story, up to the point he gets tranqed. It seems to be going along a little too smoothly to count as near failure. You could maybe add a sense of worry about possible traps (unless Escobar doesn't feel any fear or worry).  Another suggestion would be to have Walken constantly nagging at him throughout the scene, providing a distraction. Maybe have the two involved in a continuing argument about something. If she yells at him when Grease dies, he will still be mad when he fires at the hostages. You can also leave his realization that he shot innocent people until after he wakes up, making the reader feel betrayed at him having been stopped just as he was about to kill the villain.

I can't give any constructive comments on the ending, besides saying that I had expected something more dramatic. I did come up with a complete redo of the ending, not that it's any better: Jimmy was not wounded fatally, he urges Escobar to continue disobeying his commands and takes the helmet, then reinforcements arrive and take care of Jimmy, and Escobar is deeply shocked by the way the reinforcements kill his friend.

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