Hey Chaos, it's great to finally read something by you!
So overall, I thought that you did a fantastic job, this story sucked me in right away and I loved your concepts and the potential of Veresh's character. It left me wanting more of Veresh though, I felt like he had more of a backstory than his wife's rape/murder, and I wanted to hear about. So kudos to you for sucking me in(not that it's that hard, but still)
I say potential here because, as mentioned, I think you could expand on Veresh's thoughts/reasonings, feelings and his own pain. Don't get me wrong, I did love the character, and I think that his characterization still is fairly strong, but it just needs to be polished up a bit(obviously, since this is your first draft).
Now, at the beginning, I liked Veresh's thoughts and internal dialogue, but it felt very sudden to me, that it started out catching an Immortal, it seemed rushed and I felt like I had missed something or needed to catch up on something. So in that section, I like the characterization that you have, but I think the plot could have been drawn out a little further and more detail given.
About Mithra( who I still think of as Mithras by the way) and his "blatant infodump", I don't think that it was all that much of an annoying infodump. It was one, but I didn't really care when I read it, I wanted to learn more, and you gave me that. Also, It wasn't a long enough section for me to be bothered by an infodump, it was a relatively short bit of text, a page or so, so I think that it was okay.
“Oaths are binding,” Mithra explained, hobbling forward through the desert. Hassan had released him from the net days ago to let the weak god fulfill his oath.“When any Immortal makes an oath, it cannot be undone. It is permanent. The Immortal must follow it.”
this stood out to me as being very infodumpish, it seems random to me that a few days after Mithra was released he would ramble about the binding power of his oath. I think that you could actually have the part where Hassan releases him in the book, and then have Mithra trying to explain and prove himself that his oath is true, because of the Immortal rules, blah blah blah. In my opinion that would work better and provide a better transition, but it works okay how you have it.
Or do you mean that Veresh and Rashne should just remain conscious forever, but powerless to do anything? (On second thought, I do think this is what you mean, as it makes the most sense, but I just want to be sure)
I think this is what he meant, and I wholeheartedly agree with him, the line about losing consciousness killed the finale for me. It's a weak line. Other than that, great ending.
Great job, looking forward to reading more of your stuff!
About Mithra( who I still think of as Mithras by the way) and his "blatant infodump", I don't think that it was all that much of an annoying infodump. It was one, but I didn't really care when I read it, I wanted to learn more, and you gave me that. Also, It wasn't a long enough section for me to be bothered by an infodump, it was a relatively short bit of text, a page or so, so I think that it was okay.
“Oaths are binding,” Mithra explained, hobbling forward through the desert. Hassan had released him from the net days ago to let the weak god fulfill his oath.“When any Immortal makes an oath, it cannot be undone. It is permanent. The Immortal must follow it.”
this stood out to me as being very infodumpish, it seems random to me that a few days after Mithra was released he would ramble about the binding power of his oath. I think that you could actually have the part where Hassan releases him in the book, and then have Mithra trying to explain and prove himself that his oath is true, because of the Immortal rules, blah blah blah. In my opinion that would work better and provide a better transition, but it works okay how you have it.
I should probably change Mithra's name. He's intended to be a minor god, and it ruins the effect if the name is too familiar.
That's a very interesting suggestion, Hamster about that scene. I'll carefully think about it; it's a great idea. Better flow and such. I would mention that either way, Mithra was oathbound to explain the nature of Anarax's prison, and he couldn't do it without explaining the significance of oaths (besides, Anarax wanted Veresh to know about the oaths for obvious reasons).
...This is giving me ideas. Thank you
Also, I never used the word "oathbound" like that, but I love the sound of it. Perhaps this magic could be calling Oathbinding, even.
As for the ending... well, I'm pondering something up there, too. I must not have been fully thinking about the consequences of unconsciousness at the time. Needless to say, that issue won't come up again.
Here's another question. Do you think this could be expanded beyond a short story? Personally, I think that some of the ideas present here could easily be used in a larger story, perhaps novel length. Certainly one of the issues I'm hearing is that the story moves much too quickly, so purely on that front, more space would help that immensely. Part of the problem is that for the assignment, it had to be 10-12 pages, which is why I had to cruise through the narrative so much. I would love to spend more time developing things.
One final thing (if you don't know, I'm infamous around TWG for ranting on endlessly, so I apologize), what do you think of the whole "Fateless" thing? Did the fate element make sense, or did it feel tacked on and unnecessary?
(And, well, I guess more people replied as I'm typing, so the reply gets even longer! Joy... I guess)
1. Still not clear. If exerting one's will is making an oath, how was Anarax able to exert his will to do anything at all?
Also, "How do I know you're not lying about not lying?" 
2. I think is was poor characterization. The whole thing came off as very super villain-cliché, very "Vengeance is mine at last, haha!" Which is funny, because Veresh is the hero, not a villain at all, yet his thoughts, mannerisms, and tone very much evoke the image of the wronged villain to me, and I think that's not the tone you were trying to set.
Also, there were lots of mechanics issues in the beginning, which prevented me from really diving into the story. I don't know if it was the language or the story that got better towards the end, but I got absorbed enough in what was happening that the language fell away.
3. That is indeed what I meant.
1. Hmmm. I think I will be more tight-lipped about the mechanics at work here. Needless to say, Anarax was severely, severely hindered, not impotent. I may reveal this in a later reply, but right now, I'll just let you ponder.
Make them swear an oath to not lie, and you'll be set. Hehe.
2. I concur.
Nice story! I read a lot of short stories in books that I pick up. Usually I'll pick up a book with a dozen or so and read 3 or 4 of them, maybe half. As is this is one I would have read first. I liked the concept and story very much.
Some improvements that I think could be made:
1. When they capture Mithra the action seems broken to me. I was waiting to see Mithra's reaction to having the net thrown on him, even if its just saying that he fell down. I wondered where Hassan was hiding etc.
2. Veresh's plan seem awkward. He's been watching Mithra for days, I would assume planning on how to capture and use him but his first actions are to try to kill him by stabbing him, then my choking him. I understand he is angry but it just makes him seem like a fool, trying to kill the thing he needs to lead him to his goal.
3. I like the ideas you use with the oaths but the logic of the oaths at the end seems flawed to me, maybe it's just the wording. I didn't like how he just claimed Anarax's power. I guess I was waiting for more of an oath to be involved, something like: 'grant me your power and I swear to use it to destroy the gods' type of thing.
4. I did feel a little cheated with the ending. I really disliked the losing consciousness part and I was waiting to see Rashne suffer. Also, I think maybe in the ending there was too much tell and not enough show. I'd like to see more conflict between those two. Rashne raped and killed his wife, I want more then just Veresh telling him to die.
Glad you enjoyed it! Thank you so much for reading.
1. It took me an hour staring at the page to try and get the part with net down. That segment always disconcerted me. Even making three tries at it, I couldn't nail it. I decided--with my stiff time limit--that it was best to just get it on the page. Huge room to improve there.
2. This is probably part of the problem ryos is having with the beginning, too.
3. I can see that.
4. Well, clearly I succeeded in making Rashne the guy you love to hate if you all want to see him suffer so much!
Everyone's input is being extremely helpful. Thank you so much.
