May 25 -Blade of the Fallen Chapter 4/5 - Chris Swain

[swaindaddy]

Let me know what you think and thanks in advance. I am making major changes based on your help so far!

[RavenstarRHJF]

Ok, I'm buying the eighteen years old bit... for now.

I'm a little surprised that everyone is taking this development so calmly.  I mean, do the present King's children have any claim to the throne?  And what about the other candidates?  Surely there must be others- nobles, relatives of the King who have some sort of claim should he die without an heir.  Or is this "Rite of Eyes" the only thing necessary to claim Kingship?  And if so, why?  And how does the fact that Garrik the Heir was found in the Neutral city (which is about to be put under Martial Law) affect things?

What I'm trying to say is that there should be more of a reaction from the people around him; from the Talonguard on up, and down to the servants.  Things like hurrying in the halls, stares from the townspeople (perhaps even frightened looks as they ponder how this will affect their lives), a general air of suppressed panic or uncertainty.  He's been an orphan and a thief his whole life- he should be able to pick up on these things, since they would affect his ability to do "business."  You sort of implied something like this with Garrik's dinner partner- but, IMHO, not really enough.  He should be getting sidelong glances from the rest of the guests.  Dren's dinner partner should not be accepting him as easily as she does- or at least, not at first.  And... is the Duke even in attendance at this ball?  You don't mention anything about him.  Granted that may be coming later- the ball's not over after all- but it's a little strange.  He should be sitting at the High Table with Garrik and the Duchess.

Sorry if all of this seems overly critical.  But it was what stood out the most to me, as I was reading.  Other than the fact that people didn't seem to be taking this unexpected development seriously, it was a pretty good section.  We get some nice characterization for Garrik- who also doesn't seem to be as nervous as I would expect.

[swaindaddy]

Ok, I'm buying the eighteen years old bit... for now.

I'm a little surprised that everyone is taking this development so calmly.  I mean, do the present King's children have any claim to the throne?  And what about the other candidates?  Surely there must be others- nobles, relatives of the King who have some sort of claim should he die without an heir.  Or is this "Rite of Eyes" the only thing necessary to claim Kingship?  And if so, why?  And how does the fact that Garrik the Heir was found in the Neutral city (which is about to be put under Martial Law) affect things?

What I'm trying to say is that there should be more of a reaction from the people around him; from the Talonguard on up, and down to the servants.  Things like hurrying in the halls, stares from the townspeople (perhaps even frightened looks as they ponder how this will affect their lives), a general air of suppressed panic or uncertainty.  He's been an orphan and a thief his whole life- he should be able to pick up on these things, since they would affect his ability to do "business."  You sort of implied something like this with Garrik's dinner partner- but, IMHO, not really enough.  He should be getting sidelong glances from the rest of the guests.  Dren's dinner partner should not be accepting him as easily as she does- or at least, not at first.  And... is the Duke even in attendance at this ball?  You don't mention anything about him.  Granted that may be coming later- the ball's not over after all- but it's a little strange.  He should be sitting at the High Table with Garrik and the Duchess.

Sorry if all of this seems overly critical.  But it was what stood out the most to me, as I was reading.  Other than the fact that people didn't seem to be taking this unexpected development seriously, it was a pretty good section.  We get some nice characterization for Garrik- who also doesn't seem to be as nervous as I would expect.

I does seem critical - and that's a good thing. This is precisely the kind of feedback I am loooking for. Some of the answers will come as the story progresses and I want you to wonder about it until it does -  but much of what you say needs to be addressesed! Thanks for the input - keep it coming!

[Renoard]

Well your characters are personable and memorable but this is not the best submission your made. This one's gonna be harsh but I only did it cause I care enough to see you do better with it.

One issue is that you seem to be overly fond of the word royal and might actually have confused yourself about it's meaning.  It crops up far too often where other less charged terms would not only suffice they would improve the story.

Now some issues with etiquette.  This is your world and the rules are yours, but people with even a little experience with a caste system will find you're world unrealistic to the point of distracting from the story.

"Tul had corrected him numerous times already on that one but Garrik knew it would take time to dispense with titles when he was around royal blood."
How is a mere guard captain, even in the royal guard, royal blood?

"Rose petals were strewn about the path as they neared the manor, an indication that the royal line was in fact here in the manor."
The entire line?  Uncles nieces cousins brother and sisters all under the one roof?  Every Duke and Duchess and all their relations?  Seems a little crowded to me.



The feminist slant is a bit too far for realism:

"The Sergeant was an attractive woman, not much older than Garrik."
Seargeant Jora is a problem. This is personal, but in a world of 4 lb swords and 60-80 lb armor not too many pretty women gonna be soldiers.  Unless Garrik has a fetish. . . Maybe these aren't humans?

"She was in her later years but she moved quick and had a strength that surprised Garrik." 
He's not surprised by a beauty in armor but a house keeper with some muscle is startling?


A few problems with characterization:

"Mirium said the last word so that it sounded like a barb rather than a title."
Servants are awfully uppity in this here King's rule!

“I suppose you didn’t count on seeing this much of him,” Garrik bit his tongue but the quip had already made it out. He cursed under his breath and tried to salvage the situation. “I’m sorry. I’m happy to have you here and glad a lady, beautiful as yourself, could join me for my bath.”

For a commoner he is certainly comfortable.  I know he's stumbling over his tongue, but that's because he's attracted and naked. He clearly is not the least intimidated by a woman who is one step below the king. Wasn't he just a commoner thief 8 hours ago?

"His friend was dressed in royal clothing for the first time in his life."
Well I should hope so! How many common thieves dress like princes? Maybe he should think of this as Fine clothing or Noble clothing?

"Dren sat down beside the blonde girl and immediately began small talk."
Why is dren even here?  I can't imagine that the Talonguard would have brought a common thief into the palace and dressed him for a state dinner.  Even if he WAS a companion of the new, and I might add un-invested, prince.

"Tul offered some etiquette advice as they ate."
Mere guard captain at the table with the prince AND a duchess?


Another problem is the frequent use of passive voice or language that verges very close to it:

"Inside the gate, Garrik noticed there was plenty of land to cover before the manor itself was reached."
this is passive voice.

"The room was filled with tables at which sat more royal blood than Garrik had ever seen in one location at one time."
Passive voice and there's that word royal again.  I could forgive you the term royal if it wasn't royal blood again.


And:

"One thing you did learn growing up on the streets was whether or not you were being had and Celeste made him feel as if he were."
hrmmmm?

You might need to read up a bit on nobility and royalty in Europe.  Get a feel for the historical precedents.  Overall it was a bit like an SCA function where everyone acts like a landed noble and the common soldiers like knights or innkeepers all behave like barons and call one another Lord.

[swaindaddy]

Very good input reonard. My system is not like any that has existed so I can understand the confusion on much of it. what I will probably do as I rewrite is change the titles from Duke etc to a unique one of my own. A conundrum that I will have to solve.
With a ruling class that is lead by a random selection there really is no "royal blood" at all - seeing as to how there is no heirs and such. Garrik is not a Prince but the new King as a result of the Rite and as such must only assume the throne to officially take power. More on that later in chapters.

Even so, I needed this info to help make it better on the next pass - thanks and keep it coming!

[Renoard]

I hope I was more helpful than harsh.  I didn't intend to be the later but I can see how it would look that way.  I do think that either using different terms you coin yourself, or nudging the relationships closer to what the terms imply, would help.  At least give some cues to the reader as to why the offices are different.

Plotting does seem good at this point.  And it's intriguing to see where it will lead.

[swaindaddy]

I hope I was more helpful than harsh.  I didn't intend to be the later but I can see how it would look that way.  I do think that either using different terms you coin yourself, or nudging the relationships closer to what the terms imply, would help.  At least give some cues to the reader as to why the offices are different.

Plotting does seem good at this point.  And it's intriguing to see where it will lead.

Not at all. I I needed a bunch of people to say they like it - well I got a family, lol.  I take all criticism as constructive.

[Silk]

There are a couple moments of nice characterization in here; Garrick smiling at the memory of the dead bird and Dren's tendency for blunt honesty "especially when it isn't asked for". Sniggering at Garrick's comments to Karrys, too. Though I've no idea what Karrys expected to find after being told that Garrick was bathing.

I kind of wonder why the guards and everyone else have accepted Dren as part of the package. I'd imagine they'd want nothing to do with him. Garrick may be their king according to the Rite, but Dren is a thief.

Actually, their king is a thief too, and I imagine that could be used to create some good tension between Garrick and, well, everyone. It's hinted at a bit with Tul, but it would be nice to see more of it. As the story progresses, I mean - we don't necessarily need more than we've got right now.

Tul tells Garrick that kings do not go by their first names, but he called Garrick by his first name earlier. Or was that someone else, and my memory's just wrong?

Are the two girls, Jenni and Celeste, of the situation? A minor point - but I ask because I had the impression that they were more or less equal rank, or at least not too far off. But Jenni sounds like a common name, while Celeste... does not. Again, a minor point.

I don't really have much to add that's not been brought up by others, and it's 3am, so I'm calling it quits.

[swaindaddy]

Thanks for all the input All very good points - will make the next draft better. I appreciate you staying up late too!!!

[Silk]

Glad it's helping!

Staying up late is fun. I get exasperated looks/remarks from all of my friends.

=D