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« on: July 23, 2010, 03:13:03 AM »
I agree with what some others have been saying: your tone is fairly poetic, and the "ass" line jarred me. It didn't seem to fit with your prose up to that point. It was like you just through it in to say "yeah, this has language in it." I'm not saying you shouldn't use it, I'm just saying it felt out of place to me, given the tone of the previous sections. Of course, there is also a reason for this, since your switching to his limited viewpoint, and as a soldier, we would be more crass. I agree with lethal falcon, use crotch. If you are going to show is personality on this way, don't just throw in a couple of words here and there. I think the whole section should be written a little more roughly.
Part three and the start of part four lost me completely (probably until I was jarred out of my stupor by the "ass" line). I was reading mechanically at this point, not taking anything in, and I had to go back and read again to understand what was going on. As a reader, I hate doing this (and it happens at least once in many books I've read). I guess I'm saying either lose part three and tell us about the city being destroyed as he digs himself out, or make the city falling more interesting. It kind of fell short for me after your very epic description of the gods at war.
To me, the part with the girl just did not work. She strips him, bathes him, strips and baths in front of him, and acting all flirtatious, and then not having sex with him. Now if she's a tease, I can expect that, but the way she curls up and goes to sleep next to him and he wakes to find her crying suggests she's not a tease. It wasa bit too bi polar for me. I also felt he should be more resistant, despite his urges, because she is an enemy. If you had just given her race I wouldn't have thought that, but since you deliberately call her an enemy, I thought he should be more distrustful.
It sounds like you have more story to back this up, but as is, there's nothing in this chapter really grabbing my attention and making me want more. I'd suggest fleshing it out a bit, and splitting it into two or three chapters. One with the god's warring and the city falling. And you could choose to either do him digging himself out and being found and his waking to find the woman standing over him as one or two chapters. Just my two cents.
Ok, that was the bad, now for the good. I also really like the gradual shift in viewpoint. It was really cool, but again, it took me until my reread to notice it because you lost me in the third part. They way you shifted by degrees reminded me of the chapter in The Shadow Rising I just read actually. The characters seem interesting, and I could see myself becoming attached, and if I forget about the erotic bathing scene, the scene with him comforting her and her saving him despite the fact that they are enemies was actually very sweet. I guess it stands to reason, when a disaster like the one that just hit happens, they are both just people. If you focused on this more, I could see him being more ready to trust an enemy, but as is, I think he should be more trustworthy.
I hope that helped. give us more, I want to see where this goes!