Timewaster's Guide Archive

Sorry about the caps. I'm just really bad at punctuation and all that fun stuff.  My mind goes faster than my fingers so I don't want to worry about it.  I didn't want to offend anyone.   

WOW I HAVE TO SAY THAT THIS IS A FUN QUESTION.  I LOVE QUESTIONS LIKE THESE WHERE THERE IS NO WRONG ANSWER- SOMETHING TO MAKE ME THINK. 

I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS LONG AND HARD, AND HARD AND LONG.  THERE ARE SO MANY ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES TO EACH POTENTIAL DATE MATERIAL.  HMMM.... 

LET'S START OFF WITH THE WAREWOLF.  I’VE SEEN SOME PRETTY HANDSOME WAREWOLVES, AND I LOVE TO GO OUT AT NIGHT. I REALLY LOVE HEARING THE MAN OF MY DREAMS SINGING TO ME UNDER A BEAUTIFUL FULL MOON, BUT I’VE ALSO DATED A FEW HAIRY GUYS, AND LET ME TELL YOU- THE CHEST HAIR PEEKING THROUGH THE NECK OF A SHIRT JUST DOESN’T DO IT FOR ME.  IT’S A LITTLE NAUSEATING.  IN FACT, MY DAD IS PRETTY DARN HAIRY.  CHEST, FACE, ARMS, BACK….. HE’S JUST A HAIRY MAN.  CAN YOU IMAGINE GOING IN FOR A KISS AND THINKING ABOUT YOUR OLD MAN?! EWW GROSS!  IF WE WERE TO GET MARRIED AND SLEEP IN THE SAME BED, I’D BE A BIT LEERY ABOUT THOSE TOENAILS, TOO.  ONCE I HAD TO SHARE A BED WITH MY SISTER, AND SHE PRETTY MUCH ATTACKED ME WITH HER FEET IN A DREAM.  SO NOW I’D BE SLEEPING NEXT TO A HAIRY GUY WHO REMINDS ME OF MY DAD AND MY SISTER.  OOOHHH BABY! IF THAT DOESN’T’ GET ME IN THE MOOD I DON’T KNOW WHAT WILL.  SO LOGICALLY- HE’S AN AUTOMATIC STRIKOUT.   SORRY, HARRY.

MOVING ON TO THE VAMPIRE:  I WON’T LIE – I LOVE WHEN A MAN KISSES ME ON THE NECK.  I’M FAIR SKINNED, SO I WOULDN’T REALLY WORRY ABOUT LOOKING WHITE NEXT TO HIM.  IF ANYTHING I WOULD LOOK GREAT WITH HIM – TAN, BLONDE HAIR – BEAUTIFUL! THAT’S WHAT I’VE ALWAYS WANTED!  BUT WHAT IF HE THINKS I’M SO BEAUTIFUL, AND STARTS KISSING MY NECK, THEN I GIGGLE, AND THEN HE BITES ME!? WHAT’LL I DO? I’LL DIE – THAT’S WHAT I’LL DO.  PLUS WHO LIKES BATS? “NOT I,” SAID THE DOG.  I CAN SEE THIS JUST ISN’T WORKING. NEXT!

FAIRY: SERIOUS? THAT’S AN OPTION? I DON’T REALLY SEE ANY ADVANTAGES TO THIS HERE.  I DON’T REALLY WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE I QUESTION MY BOYFRIEND’S “ORIENTATION”. I THINK YOU ALL KNOW WHERE I’M COMING FROM.  WE’LL JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT.  I DON’T WANT TO WEAR THE PANTS IN ANY RELATIONSHIP. HE SHOULD.  PLUS, I HATE CLEANING, AND I HAVE A FEELING HE’D BE PRANCING AROUND MY HOUSE SPRINKLING THAT FAIRY DIRT (OH, ‘SCUSE ME….. “DUST”) ALL OVER THE PLACE.  I’D HAVE TO FOLLOW HIM AROUND WITH A DUST BUSTER, AND WHO WANTS THAT?

DATE A SUPER HERO? THAT SOUNDS FUN.  HE’S STRONG, TALL, DARK, HANDSOME, AND ROMANTIC.  BUT I GET JEALOUS FAST.  IF I SEE HIM SAVING ANOTHER DAMSEL IN DISTRESS, HE’S GONNA HAVE TO FIND A SUPER HERO TO SAVE HIMSELF FROM AN ANGRY GIRLFRIEND!  SURE HE’S HANDSOME AND RIPPED, BUT THOSE ARE GREAT REASONS FOR ALL THE OTHER LADIES TO BE SCAMMING ON MY BOYFRIEND!!  NOPE, I’M TOO SELFISH.  IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

NOW - TO DATE A ZOMBIE; THAT JUST SEEMS LIKE A LOGICAL CHOICE.  HE’S PROBABLY NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT, BESIDES ROTTING SKIN AND SUCH. AT LEAST I KNOW THAT NONE OF MY FRIENDS WILL BE SECRETLY CHECKING HIM OUT, RIGHT?  I DON’T HAVE TO BE WORRIED ABOUT GETTING JEALOUS.  I’M SURE THAT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS BEING DEAD, TRYING TO FIND A GIRLFRIEND HAVE BEEN EXHAUSTING.  ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY ALL RUN AWAY SCREAMING!  POOR GUY….  HE’S JUST LONELY.  IT’S WHAT’S INSIDE THAT REALLY MATTERS.  UNDERNEATH ALL OF THAT TATTERED CLOTHING AND PROTRUDING ORGANS IS A KIND AND GENTLE-LOVING MAN JUST SEARCHING FOR THE LOVE OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LIKE MYSELF.   WE CAN SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE TOGETHER, AND THEN WHEN I’M DEAD, WE CAN FINALY REST IN PEACE TOGETHER.  HE’D NEVER SAY THE WRONG THING – EVERYTHING ALWAYS COMES OUT AS “UUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGG!”  AND I’LL JUST RESPOND WITH “OH, THIS OLD THING?  WHY THANK YOU!”   OF COURSE HE’D THEN ADD “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHH”  AND I’D SAY “IT’S THE NEWEST SHADE OF LIPSTICK FROM AVON – I KNEW YOU’D LOVE IT.”  WHEN I COOK FOR HIM, HE WOULD OF COURSE ALWAYS SAY “MMMMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMM!” THAT'S MORE THAN I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT SOME OF MY PREVIOUS BOYFIRENDS...... HE’S THE PERFECT MAN.  WE WOULD BE SO IN LOVE WITH EACHOTHER!!