Thanks to each of you who critiqued “Professional Hitchhiker.”
It was correctly pointed out (more than once) that I need more show & less tell. A problem that has previously been pointed out to me in other stories I've written (not posted anywhere). I've been studying this and believe I will do better with the rewrite I am planning.
Thanks (Valkynphyre & Zardog) for pointing out my “You can” statements. Personally, I like breaking the fourth wall but that was not actually my intent here. Besides, it should add to the story and, where I did this, it did not.
Isis is meant to be an anti-hero. Not the kind that redeems herself, just a bad person who is only out for herself and pays for it in the end.
I'm also wondering about this enhanced sight of hers. Is it extreme? Is it super-natural?
No, it was not meant to be super-natural. You & Daddy Warpig are correct in that I gave her too much visual ability. This I will change.
Her death was the result of the impact and I thought that it was obvious – guess not. As far as a different ending is concerned, that would make it a different story. Maybe a better story, but definitely a different story.
There were a few comments I did not really understand.
Valkynphyre
Also, the last line is in the same vein.
How is the last line in the same vein as the “You can . . .” lines?
Zardog
"and/or" caused me to screech to a halt.
Why?
"The lads" made me stop since you used "boy" earlier.
This, just after implying that I used She would and She'd too often (which should be corrected with more show). I was trying to avoid repetition by saying lad.
Just a bit as to why I chose this as my first submission to RE. I belong to a local writer's group where we each read something we have written each session. The typical comments in response are:
“That was nice.”
“Very interesting”
“I like how you phrased that”
“You paint a nice picture with words.”
When I read this story to the group I was told I should submit it. Two others agreed. (I think there were six or seven of us there.)
You can see how this could have inflated my ego a bit. But I wanted to hear from more serious writers than that local group. Thanks to each of you for your suggestions and thoughts on this story. I think I have a good start and I know much of what needs to be done to make it better.
OK, I'll post this now before it exceeds the story in length.