Timewaster's Guide Archive

Thanks for the feedback.  Everyone can gauge them on sight.   The general population is blended with different humoured parents, so commoners aren't likely to show one particular humour over another.  Thus far Mathieu has been around people that are masters in thier craft (artisans, successful merchants, experienced swordsman) who are easily recognizable because they have strong humours that give them similar characteristics.  Later on, more will be revealed about the humours and how they relate to people.

Thanks for the feedback guys!

@halo
Thanks for pointing out the chuckling.  Mathieu can still laugh, but I don't like using the same descriptors so close together like that.  As far as the rapiers knocking someone down, the rapier has a very fine point, and by putting all of the power from the body, the lunge, and the thrust, all of that power is transferred to a very small point.  Without armor it would impale a person, with armor and teen girls, I think it could very well knock them down.   I'll have to do some more research :-)

@akoebel
That's a fair point about the forms.  Mena is better because she's a Cold One.  She's faster than Sasha.  Also, she has a talent for the forms, even if she hates them.  As to the swearing, I understand your concern, but I've based this world off of Renaissance Italy and Europe.  This was a savage time.  Ceasar Borgia's army once slaughtered an entire town, 6000 people.  After raping thier women.  And he was the Pope's son.  I've actually tried to steer away from fully embracing the ideals of that time because they are so foreign, so violent, and so reheprensible to people of modern society.  For all that, I believe that cursing at each other in public would happen.

I'm don't understand what you meant about the teacher/student thing.  Can you elaborate?


As always, thanks for all the feedback!  You've given me a lot to think about.  I hope you enjoy the next chapter as well.

It was an interesting story.  I liked how you built the paranoia of the character.  The asides from the other characters, especially her partner, let's the reader know there is some truth to that.  I'd like to see a little more conflict with that aspect of the story.  Perhaps more chastening from the captain and other officers before he lets her go.  Perhaps have her thoughts go back to a dozen other times she's been wrong.  That way, the reader is beginning to seriously doubt that the main character isn't crazy.

I liked that she was a Dark Eyes and it never even occurred to her that her own people might try something like that.  It was a nice touch.

The only part I didn't like was the ending.  It felt rushed.  I didn't understand if they were actually aborting the plan or not, or how they could do that since all the Mist had already gone out.  And then bam.  It's over, everyone's safe and things are going back to normal.

I understand it's only 7k words and for that amount you accomplished a lot.  I just would have liked to see some more at the end.  Maybe some more character development between her and her partner.

All in all, a nice bit of writing :-)

Below I included some line edits I would make.  Completely arbitrary, but just some food for thought.

This time Nikola did manage to drown out the insistent public announcement, a little anger went a long way.
-I think you should make this two sentences instead of the comma.

Nikola put her hands through her hair, it was getting long again.
-again, two sentences.

At the bottom of page 5/top of page 6 you have several paragraphs of exposition.  There is some passive voice that lapses into "was this" and "was that."

The Dialogue on page 7 at the end between the captain and the main character seems a little sparse.  I wouldn't mind seeing a few descriptors thrown in so I can see how the two are reacting to each other.  You did that in the above paragraphs to great effect.  Otherwise, I'm unsure of the tone of the conversation.

At bottom of page 10, "was now focussing,"  is too passive in my opinion.  "now focused" is better.  There are several instances throughout the story where you choose slightly passive sentence structures over others.  To a certain extent it's a matter of personal preference.  You could say" the ATV was left behind in the center of the room."  You could also say "the ATV sat abandoned in the center of the room."  Alot of this is preference, but when they are half a dozen sentences strung together at once using a slightly passive voice slows down the pace considerably.

I'd like to submit as well.

I'll start with the negatives first and end on a positive note. 

In the first few paragraphs I think you used the term eyes searched wildly or something similar at least three times.  The scene is frantic and that's well conveyed, but try to find some different ways of conveying it.  Also, one moment the girl seems paralyzed, the next she's thrashing wildly.  I know that we kind of find out about that later on, but it still seems that she goes from paralyzed to crazy to paralyzed to moving without feeling it rather quickly. 

There's some passive voice.  An example is The skinny man, with large aviator glasses, was trying to stare at her.  Instead of was trying, it should be tried.  Passive voice slows down the action, pulls the reader out, and in my opinion is insidious.  Even after several readthroughs, I still find examples in my own work.  Just something to try to avoid.

Also, it's a personal preference thing, but I prefer using italics instead of underlining.  I know back in the day it used to be underlining, but my experience has been that this rule at least has been relaxed, if not outright changed.  Again, your preference.


Now, to the positives.  I liked the prologue.  The beginning seemed frantic, panicky, and made me, the reader feel that way.  It was a little cliched after she wakes up and goes after the two men.  But that didn't bother me because I was still trying to figure out what was going on. 

When you switched POV's I was thrown for a moment.  But there was some good writing in there.  I especially liked the part about the bottle.  It gave a lot of character insight in a short span and pulled me back in.  The two characters meeting was well done.  I liked the fact that he saw her as being menacing, scary and she sees herself as a vulnerable girl who has been violated. 

I especially liked this description:  It looked more like a black tube sock filled with pig guts and entrails.  That was awesome, lol.

All in all, for a first attempt I thought it was rather well done.  There's room for improvement in the stucture of the writing, but that will come with time.  I liked it.  Now you've set the bar high, I'm eager to see the next chapter and see if you can keep it up.

Thanks for the kind words and the suggestions!  I hope you like the rest of the story as much as the beginning.

Hey Ravenstar,

Thanks for the feedback!  Yeah it has been awhile...I had some requests from agents and now based on thier feedback I'm revising this again.  Hopefully you guys can help me out.

I just wanted to respond to a few things you mentioned.  I'm not sure if you read the second chapter or not, but there are two characters with yellow humours and it's mentioned how they are artists.  Then I have Mathieu comment on how:  It was said that if one wanted to learn to kill then any school would do.  If one wanted to learn the art of ending a man’s life, they went to the Flower.

Perhaps I need to broaden that out a little bit so its more obvious to the reader.  As to humours and how they work, I don't want to give it all away at once.  I prefer books that reveal portions at a time.  Humours are roughly based off of the Greek idea that the body had different colored humours.  In this world, those different colored humours give different physical and mental attributes to the people.


As to Mathieu's spending, he's with one of his best friends whom he trusts, even if he doesn't trust Venier.  Mathieu isn't perfect and I wanted to show his flaws/mistakes.  Because he is poor he's elated at the chance to gain money and so rather than prudently waiting to spend said money until he's actually acquired it, he goes off and splurges.  Also, Mathieu's been away for over a year with no sex.  Speaking from experience, when a soldier comes home from a tour, they are preoccupied for the first few weeks, lol.  Also, Mathieu mentions that he wouldn't even pay Cass because it's not about money, but she has to give money to the Madame and to the physikers to keep from getting pregnant.

Normally I don't like to respond point by point because I don't believe I should defend my work as criticism is what I'm looking for and a reader's reactions are thier own and therefore infalliable.  I  just wanted to point out some of the things you've suggested I've already done in either earlier chapters or in different sections of that chapter.  If you did read the earlier ones then maybe like I said I need to highlight those points more.

Thanks again, feedback is always appreciated.

I'll echo some things previously mentioned and add a few of my own.  I don't know your experience level, but the writing isn't bad.  There are some nice parts, but it's difficult to read because you don't indent around punctuation or the start of new paragraphs.  Yes there is a space, but I'd prefer indents as well.

The content doesn't bother me.  Yes wizards and wardens are somewhat tired in fantasy, but if done well I like it.  I'll be honest though, if I'm reading something new I want to be pulled in.  For a beginning there isn't a lot of that.  It's almost entirely exposition and in general, exposition is boring.  I'd rather have some snappy dialogue, perhaps some internal thoughts, some tension.  Maybe more tension with the warder being annoyed at having an extra charge.  It's mentioned, but equal weight is given to him cleaning his gear and preparing to keep watch.  Focus more on the emotions/intentions and less on the physical acts and I think you'll find the writing is better.

I've never been a fan of omniscient.  I think it's a tricky voice because there's few rules/structures and I think most writers early in thier career need that kind of structure. 

You need to work on passive voice.  Instead of was walking, used walked.  Instead of had been, it simply is cold.  PAssive voice drags the story down. 

I don't think this is bad, but I'm trying to give you what I think are the weak points.  Your writing needs work, but it's not unsalvageable.  The opening scene made me smile, but if you tweak it so that there's more tension and less exposition it will improve siginificatly in my opinion.