R2-D2 has a higher midi-chlorian count than Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Yoda combined, but since he's just a droid, they still get to treat him as if he were a piece of property. After making him pick cotton for a half century or so, he is assigned by the Jedi Counsel to watch over Anakin's (now Darth Vader) daughter as she grows up on Alderaan; without the comfort of a light saber, because weapons are illegal on the planet.
Chewbacca is abandoned by his family of Ewoks when they believe he is a giant incomprehensible mutant that will bring curses on their whole planet. Ironically, they're right.
And speaking of Ewoks, it turns out that the reason C-3PO was reluctant to pretend to be their god was that he had already tried it so he could receive the respect he felt he deserved. Life was good until he realized that he represented the God of Lightning Rods and spent a decade welded to the roof of an Ewok hut.
In his early days of following the dark side, Darth Vader spreads his wild oats and fathers the twins Lando Calrissian and Lobot. Of all his children, Lobot looks more his father than anyone else, even his younger brother Akbar.
Cutting him in half didn't kill Darth Maul, but he's pretty bitter about it. The legs didn't grow back, and he's got a really big scar where his waist should start. He now works as a bartender in Elko, Nevada.
Darth Vader, using a time machine, goes back in time and fathers Jabba the Hutt and Darth Maul. (Yes, they were twins)
In his most dramatic monologue, condemns the evils of the Modern Language Association Yoda does. Evil they are. Control you they will. Your speech they sensor. Confusion they bring
In his most fiendish plot ever, Emperor Palpatine produces a movie so greatly anticipated that people camp at theaters for a month or more to buy a ticket for opening night. In the ensuing excitement, he uses a Microsoft e-mail tracking program to shut down all other businesses, using the promise of $100 and a free copy of "Death Star 2000" to get people to forward it to all their friends.
Turns out that Darth Vader, while using the time machine, is the father of Obi-Wan, Palpatine, Yoda, Amidala, and himself.
(yeah, they're dumb, but I thought that was the point)