I just finished reading from the beginning. I'll admit that I really,
really wanted to stop reading at around chapter four, and I'll admit that since then I've had my doubts about the viability of the story. These two chapters have convinced me that you have something here. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I'm far too
lazy pressed for time to go back and comment in the proper places, so I'll just dump a lump sum of general comments on you right here.
First order of business: I think you write great descriptions and solid action scenes. In fact, most everything that doesn't involve people talking or interacting is well-written. You do have a penchant for using words improperly (I think you at one point described a glove as being "mailed", and I had this image of the owner having received it through the mail), which you may want to look out for.
Dialog is not your strongest suit. (Don't worry, it's not mine either.) The best way I can describe it is that all of your characters feel socially awkward. Definitely watch out for that.
Also, interpersonal relationships. A lot of your characters' interactions felt stilted, unnatural, and contrived. I'm glad you plan on revising the Illis chapters, because Aermyst + Illis = groanworthy awkwardness. Secondary offenders are Aermyst + Tristan and even Aermyst + Dantes.
Next up: Aermyst is an
idiot. A true, first class moron. He acts so stupidly in the first parts of the book that I find it very hard to sympathize with him.
First, he incurs a massive debt in order to buy heartcrystals, with no real plan for how to pay it off. I feel like he should have known that it wouldn't work - the fact that the crystal apparently comes to contain your soul, and that this is necessary for a crystal bond to take place, should have been enough to convince him that it wouldn't work.
(As an aside, how is it legal to sell heartcrystals? Considering how very easy it is to make a crystalheart, and the ready availability of crystals given you have enough money, I'm surprised anyone allows the Sacramency an exclusive monopoly on their use.)
Second, he goes barreling off after Zael, alone, having thought to buy a sword but of little else. Is he
really so dense as to believe that he, in his weakened condition, could best a foe that destroyed him when he still had his crystal and was at full strength?
(Thought experiment: what if Aermyst were still in Hallastan when Zael attacks? This isn't my story and I haven't really thought through the ramifications, but it would let you avoid making Aermyst into a buffoon.)
There are other, smaller stupidities, like wandering unarmed into a dangerous section of town, or not even considering working for the mercenaries for a bit to try and pay down his debt, even if it's just until the caravan reaches its destination. I won't belabor the point too much because I think you can find other instances on your own. I'm not trying to say that characters should never make mistakes, but I am saying that, if you set a character up as competent, we'll only believe it if he acts like it.
Also, I see now that it is entirely in-character for Aermyst to illogically contemplate suicide immediately after fearing for what might happen if he dies without a soul.
I also put the following one-liners in notes; I'll let them stand alone without further comment:
Picking a lock in plain sight of the camp? Tristan is also an idiot.
Zael and Tristan fight. Dialog like bad chinese movie.
Though the two nations were at war, they still had to trade...did they? Seems silly.
I also wanted to react to Dantes' reception of Aermyst. It make me question how strong their bond of friendship ever was if he could be so completely and totally turned against Aermyst over a genuine mistake. Dantes expresses hatreds and resentments that surely must have their origins in happier times. Perhaps if we see a bit more of this in Dantes earlier on, his epic 180 would be easier to swallow. I hope we get to see them "kiss and make up" (heh, not literally
) at some point, as it seems only natural that they would.
Now, on to the current submission. It's hard to put a finger on why I liked it better than the rest. Maybe it's because you wrote dialog that flowed pretty well, or interpersonal relations that felt natural. Maybe it's because none of the scenes featured Aermyst.
When I picture Mourne in my head, I see a darker version of Waka from Okami (I tried to find a picture on the Internets, but all I could find was fan art). Not sure if knowing that will actually help you with the story, but I wanted to share.
I also liked that Marlin has kind, encouraging teachers. It's a nice contrast to [Trelawney]. I also keep waiting for him to try and go over her head, find a sympathetic ear higher up the command chain. That may end up just making things worse, but even if it does it seems like something he should try.
I thought his horror at the sword was well done, with one exception:
That day he had discovered something that hid within himself, a dark dragon that told him he liked killing.
I haven't seen this in Marlin. We see guilt and horror at having killed, but not fear of becoming a monster. You could cut that sentence and it works well, but if you want to keep it you may want to go back and put some more of the fear in with the shock, horror, and guilt.
Sorry to dump such a load in one place; in my defense, that's 16 chapters' worth of critique. It certainly turned out longer than I'd anticipated. I can honestly say I'm looking forward to the next installment.