19
« on: July 31, 2011, 05:48:43 AM »
I'm finally getting around to critiquing... sorry, most of my week's been devoted to this 24 bike race thing; haven't had much time to read. Anyways.
I'm glad that Albione is finally nearing the end of his naivete. I think he will (or should) always be principled and a bit of an idealist, which is good, but i don't think i would have liked too many more chapters of penance. You could probably use an action scene at some point, even if it's just training in the yard – perhaps with a brother who has been criticizing him lately. I also think you've done a good job slowly introducing what's wrong with the temple.
A few things have stuck out at me:
Why are all the priests "brother?" I mean, you can use any honorific you want, of course, but Brother makes me think of monk. Priests are fathers, usually. That said, I feel like most of the brothers roles are as monks, anyways, so maybe it's just wrong to call Albione a priest to begin with.
I also feel like there isn't a female presence in your temple. Is it segregated by sex, to avoid temptation and whatnot? otherwise you should probably include some lady leads at some point.
Exactly how large is the temple? I've had trouble getting a sense of how much of the city is governed by it. Is it walled off, like an abbey? or is it mostly just a district of the city.
How do your gods function, exactly? Do they require faith for sustenance? Do they exist on a different metaphysical plane, or do they actually 'live' in your world. So far, the only god we see is Alazon, along with the night elf god. Is he the only human god? Since he's the god of Valor, as opposed to the god of, say, everything, I feel like there would be gods of other things. You should mention them, if so. Is the temple based in eleuria? Does the milita worship other deities? That would add an extra dynamic to the conflict. Is alazon concerned with the militia/temple conflict, or is that entirely a human thing?
You don't need to answer all of these right away, of course. I expect the last one to be a bit of a plot point. But some of those – especially the existence of other deities and the temple's opinion of them – probably should be addressed by now.