Timewaster's Guide Archive

See and here was I thinking that all this was happening sometime after they reached the frontier as exiles.  I assumed Jake had been exiled sometime before Baltier and they managed to meet up somewhere.  Apparently, I was wrong. 

Still, great chapter!  I wasn't unduly confused by anything that was happening at the time, and I think we're getting a better sense of character for Baltier than we ever had when he was still Jarl.  I really look forward to his transformation...

I will agree on the slight incongruity with the knight's armor, but other than that, I have no complaints.

You gave us the first Mordin scene somewhere else, didn't you?  I recall reading it before...

Anyway, the first chapter is great in terms of adequately foreshadowing, yet still leaving suspense.  Chapter 6, on the other hand, ruins that advantage.  To me (and I fully admit that I am not longer a 'young' adult), it's blatantly obvious what happened- particularly with the thoughts he thinks.  They're too different, and I think a lot of readers would pick up on that.

So, it's up to you.  Do you want to keep the suspense, or give the game away early?  There's advantages to both.

Well, I'm NOT offended.  I realize that slavery makes people do stupidly horrible things- all people, not just men.  At the same time, it gets progressively more uncomfortable the more women you portray as being harsh, cruel, and unkind (admittedly because I am female, and it's easier to identify with female characters).

I guess what I'm saying is, even in the stories where slavery and subjection of women is normal, there's usually at least one male who "respects and honors" the women, and has at least internal conflict about the situation.  So far, you haven't presented anything like that.  But you've only submitted two chapters here, so... I'll wait and see before judging.

Actually, from what you've given us, Mav could go either way at this point- she doesn't immediately demand Jin's execution for being able to read, but she also treats him like the slave he is.

I don't think there was necessarily too much exposition, but you could probably streamline it a lot.  We still need to know the information so we can see who and what everything is, but some things don't need all the details.

I'm a bit confused about the Pits.  The way you describe it sounds like, well, a huge open pit in the ground where they keep all the slaves. But the only thing we see is a small group of boys being trained in combat.  Where is the training field?  Is it just the floor of the pit?  Why aren't there very many slaves there?  Is Jalean and her group the people who control the Pits, or are there several 'trainers' offering different 'wares?'  Where are the slaves taken when they aren't training?  Also, I'm getting the impression that only men are slaves or servants, but the presence of dancing girls in the procession suggests otherwise.  (And why does a matron going to buy slaves need a cavalcade that big, anyway?  Is it just a side trip- is she on her way somewhere else? And if so, why not just go around the Pits?  I say this, because she dismisses the procession once out of the Pits so they can go buy clothes and weapons.)

I'm getting a good sense of the flavor of the society, but it's not quite there yet.

I don't really have anything to say about the apparently woman-dominated society, yet.  At this point it isn't rubbing me the wrong way, but I think it could easily get to that point.

I like this new prologue.  It establishes the conflict quite well, in my opinion.

Again with the cheeriness and light.  Seriously, I thought you wrote dark fantasy? /sarcasm

This is really heavy stuff.  I mean really.  Punishing people for what they did in their past lives is NOT a way to engender feelings of responsibility- you know, the kind of thing that could make you want to be good?  "Oh, it's not use trying, obviously I'm a horrible person, so I'll just go and be horrible."

Obviously, you're trying to set up something like that with Tavaris, but again, society is going to be against him on this.  Speaking of... how the heck did the assassin guy know who he was/had been?  Is there some aspect of Potency or Cerebrance that will identify souls you've met in your past lives?  Even as fundamentally as "friend" or "foe?"

Sigh.  I guess I'm going to have to keep reading.

Anyway, from a technical standpoint, as far as I am aware, kerosene lamps aren't turned on by a switch on the wall- not unless there's electricity involved to operate a sparker near the wick- and if you have that, why not just have an electric light?  Even gas lamps need to have their valves manually opened and then lit before you can adjust the brightness.  That was, of course, the major convenience and mind-blowing factor introduced with electric lights- the ability to control the light with a simple flick of a switch as you entered the room.

The action could be smoothed out, yes, but I thought it flowed rather well.  I'll agree with Lethalfalcon, though, and say you need to describe the layout better- at the very least, you need to redefine the terms you're going to use if they have different universally accepted meanings IRL.

What you really did well, here, is in describing Tavaris' difficulties with his newfound Cerebrance.  Good job!

I do think you need to introduce at least the possibility of these internal struggles sooner than chapter four- I know you've hinted at it in chapters three and two, but we really need to see it in chapter one- that is that hook that's making me want to read more.  Not the action, but the idea that people have to live with the fact that their station in life- what they were born into and to whom- is of more importance societally than what they do with their lives.

Hopefull it will.  I don't imagine it will be any fun at all, but, well... you do what you have to.

That sucks about your notes, though.. unscheduled computer crash?  Hope you can reboot and recover...