Dec 15 - Raethe - Passage to Zero

[Silk]

Still Monday. Gotta love PST.

Anyway. I'm extraordinarily curious to hear what you folks have to say - and I mean it when I say don't be nice. Go on, tear it to shreds.

...

You know, like you've wanted to do ever since you read my critique for you.



Edit: Sorry for forgetting the language tag, guys. I was a little bit out of it by the time I got around to sending this out. I can be a total moron sometimes. Speaking of moronic, eheh, please, uhh, pretend you didn't see the bit in the top left hand corner. I'd prepped this story for submission a while back and I forgot to remove that...

[Reaves]

Good opening line and paragraph, really draws you in. For some reason I found myself slightly disgusted no thats too strong a word. Maybe slightly nauseated? disoriented?..., and I'm normally not grossed out by gore, but hey.

We don't find out until page 2 what the name of your character is, which is a bit annoying. You might want to consider putting it in a little sooner.

I'm not quite sure who's thoughts those are in your first # break. Is it Darin still? I just found it overall confusing.

For some reason I really like Seryl. He just seems like a cool guy.

I like how occasionally you jump to present tense. It is a good technique that I haven't seen a whole lot, but I really like it. However, you never explain who's viewpoint it is that we are reading from. If it isn't Darin, at least confirm that somehow.

Overall I really like your style of writing and the way you put your words together. I don't like how the viewpoint jumps around every page or two. I also think you could maybe do with a little more description. What does Darin look like? And Seryl? Maybe describe the Valing pass?

I think you need to give us a bit more grounding in your world. Who is fighting? How big is the war, is it just two minor nations or several alliances? How long has it been going on? Why are they fighting?

[Frog]

Your writing style seems to be very poetic. I got a little confused by the breaks and point of view shifts (you are a pretty judgmental writer-if you know what I mean-so I need to know right away who’s judgments they are; yours as an author, or a character that you are tagging along with). I couldn’t picture the setting or characters very well, or even what they were trying to accomplish other then that they are soldiers (not even sure who the MC was, I thought it was Darin, but then he died…I think) but it certainly triggers your emotions; which is good.
But it just seemed like you were trying to wow your audience so much with your writing (which is good) that you forgot to tell the simple story for those of us still on a grade school reading level (aka a certain annoying frog in the audience).  My advice would be to give us a firm character and a firm scene we can picture every time have a new section, then go ahead and go nuts.
I hope that made since and was helpful. Good Luck.

[M]

I completely agree with Frog, your writing style is very poetic.  Beautifully done. 

I agree with Reaves too, it is very difficult to follow who is talking.  Each letter or day (I'm not sure really) is strenuous to figure out who is speaking.  Also, there seems to be no distinction between internal dialog and the letters being read.  I had a hard time knowing if what was being said was words from a letter or the character speaking internally.  For example:

We’ve taken the Valing pass.
   His house was modest, neat. He probably could have afforded better, but he didn’t need better.

 
I understand that the first sentence is the letter and the second is Seryl, but there needs to be more of a distinction.  Can you put the portions that are the letter in italics or a different font?  Just an idea.

Here's something that needs to be fixed:

He wasn’t be the world’s best chef, but he hadn’t poisoned himself yet either.

Also this sentence is very long, can you break it up so it flows better:

To look for a better way to tell a stranger something they shouldn’t have to hear about the loved one who had been Darin’s responsibility.

Ok, I think this also needs to be fixed because it didn't make sense to me:

It was near enough the only time he had company.

I am also going to coat tail on the idea that we have no clue who the MC is at any point.  I thought Darin was...but...like Frog suggested...he died? 

I have to say the soldiers life was well depicted but seemed to drag towards the end...other than that, great job!
This is really well done.

[Silk]

Thanks for the critiques, guys.

(And I'd thought I'd gotten rid of all the typos... Guess I missed one.)

M, were there any particular spots at the end that seemed to contribute to the dragginess of it, or was it just generally too wordy/too drawn out?

[M]

You know...honestly...I think I felt like the story had explained the horrors and life of the soldier enough and I was ready to move on to a conflict.  The central conflict of the story felt missing to me, but of course this is only chapter one.  I understood there was a war going on but what is the main conflict?  I apologize, I shouldn't use words like "dragged".  The pacing is good, but by the end I was ready for something new.  Does that make sense?

[Silk]

It's actually not chapter one, it's the end of the story... But okay. Thanks for clarifying.

[M]

How did I miss that?  I'm sorry.

Long day.  I have no other excuse.   

[Silk]

Haha. I wouldn't worry about it. You're hardly the only one missing things in terms of this submission. >>;

[Necroben]

Haha. I wouldn't worry about it. You're hardly the only one missing things in terms of this submission. >>;

You might have too add me in that group as well.  Though now that I think on it, I believe that you had asked (somewhere else) about a story you wanted to submit that was non-linear.

In my assumption that this was the beginning, I would have wanted more clarification as to who the POV person actually is.  Though it might still need it if it's not brought to light later.

There were some action descriptions that kind of confused me, some seemed like they could be taken two ways.

Unfortunately confusion can be a problem with non-linear story lines.  Not a big fan of it myself, but with some clarification you can pull it off.

All in all I like the story, and I really like the character Seryl.

[Silk]

Thanks. I got your email, too.

(And that was actually a different non-linear story. I've been doing a lot of experimental stuff lately... Don't really know why.)

[Necroben]

I've been doing a lot of experimental stuff lately... Don't really know why.

To learn to fly, you have to stretch your wings.

[Karl]

First, WOW!

That being said, sign me up on the list of folks who thought this was just the beginning. And it still could be, if you considered picking it up where you left off.

Always one to be the deserting voice, I actually like much of the lack of details. I like that it is not very specific where or when it occurs, which gives it a universal feel. Spartans, Teutonic Knights, Red Coats and GI Joes all had to hurry up and wait, some making it home and some not.

However, there were some clues, if unintentional, that leads me to believe this occurs post-Colombian era somewhere in the Americas, probably in the early 19th century. My guess is South America. My reasoning is that you mention tomatoes and potatoes, which are both 'New World' foods, and you mention he used an oven -- a pot on top of, not in the oven, which is a post-Industrial era concept. Also, the only weapons mentioned are a clash of steel on steel. This could be swords or possibly bayonets, so not too far into the gun powder era. Likewise, no pain killers are used on Darin --  in fact it was assumed there would be none with the leather tooth guard -- implying they weren't in common use yet. Lastly, your letter dates have months with vaguely Spanish names. I'm guessing you didn't intend any of this, but asses like me would catch that.

Page 5: The phrase "an extra day or three" has become somewhat cliched.

In the same paragraph you use "The ended up stilted, formal." The following paragraph you state "Well, they weren't bothering with the formalities..." In successive paragraphs this was a bit confusing.  Perhaps change the second use to "ranks and files"?

Last paragraph, on first reading, I thought he had punched the fire place then cursed. Only afterwards did I realize he had thrown the letter into the flames.

All in all, nicely done. I'd like to read the rest of the story! *hint-hint*

[Silk]

Wow? I'm going to assume that's a compliment. (Well, more because it's been a long day and I feel I need some ego-stroking than because I'm actually that optimistic.)

Just kidding.

Okay. I really appreciate your comments, everyone, and I think it's time for a few pointed questions.

First of all, I really do want this to be a completed story arc. Assuming there's no "rest of the story", what do you guys think you'd need to see in this one to make it complete?

I guess this one's for everyone but Karl: I've been waffling on putting more worldbuilding details in there too. I haven't so far because I'm absolutely crap at worldbuilding the story isn't about the conflict between nations, or the politics, or anything else. Some of you have already mentioned a few things you'd like to see - who's fighting, why, the scope of the conflict, more physical description. Anything else, and do you feel the story needs very much of it? Also, might including those things help fill the gap in the story?

Ah. A couple of people have also mentioned that I don't name the characters in each section soon enough, and some people cited the present-tense sections, in which the speaker is never named, as a problem. The thing with the present tense sections is that I was going for something very specific with those, and that requires that those sections remain nameless. So if I slide the character's names into the other sections earlier each time, will that make the present tense sections look more like something done deliberately (which is the case) rather than an oversight on the author's part?

I know these are kind of hard questions to answer without seeing it all in action, but I don't know that I'm going to get this story revised significantly enough that it'll be worth sending it out again - and it certainly won't be happening anytime soon. So, I'll get your input on that this way.

Thanks so much, you guys.

[M]

Ok, for my sake, because I'm an idiot.  I'm going to put myself on a limb and just point out my uneducated mind so bare with me please.

Can you explain to me (and I'm sure you have already said this somewhere else) but is this a short story or a traditional 80k+ word novel?  You said to me earlier that the section you submitted was the ending, if so...what does the beginning deal with?  I really liked your writing but I just couldn't figure out what message you were trying to get across.

 

So if I slide the character's names into the other sections earlier each time, will that make the present tense sections look more like something done deliberately (which is the case) rather than an oversight on the author's part?

Yes, I believe this would help out a lot, at least for me.