August 24 - Jexral - Of Rapture and Disillusion

[Jexral]

Thanks for any comments. 

[Recovering_Cynic]

Jex.  What the crap?  I mean seriously, what the crap?  Okay so I read the story, and as far as I can tell, it's just a description of what it's like to be stoned in an alley, right?

Hmmm... I may not be the person to review your story, but I'll try.  First, I have some questions.

1)  Who are they?  You mention a group of people who have wronged the narrator, but you don't give us any other information about them.  What do they have to do with the story, and why are they in it?

2)  What does the dead body have to do with anything?  Why is he lying there stoned next to it?   Is the answer "just because"? 

3)  Is this piece meant to be sci/fi or fantasy?  That's the usual fair around here, but I didn't get that impression from your piece.  If you were going for sci/fi and/or fantasy, you kinda missed the boat.

I got the impression that this piece was principally a description piece, that you wanted to describe the experience of laying in an alley while shooting up.  In that case, you succeeded, although I'm not much help in saying how well you succeeded.  I've neither been stoned, nor lain in an alley... so like I said, I'm not so sure how much I can help you.

grr... now my computer is messing up.  I'll comment more later, I promise.  I guess the long and short of my feedback is that I am confused and not sure what to say about the piece.

[Recovering_Cynic]

Okay so I just read your original email which said that the piece was not sci/fi or fantasy.  That clarified things a bit; 'cause I was really confused.

Anyway, your piece is a description piece, as far as I can tell.  I think you need some more concrete description early on in the story.  You descibe things, but they are more feelings or drug induced sensations, not imagery, at least early on.  I needed more imagery so I'm not stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out what's going on. 

The piece had a much more modernist feeling to it.   It gave me flashbacks to my undergrad English courses.  If that's what you were going for, you succeeded.

I guess my one really big complaint about the story is the "so what" factor.  I read the story, but I couldn't figure out what the story was driving at, what its purpose is.  There doesn't need to be a plot in the conventional sense, but there needs to be a reason to the story, and I couldn't really put my finger on one.

Anyway, best of luck.  I'm sorry I couldn't be more help.  And now my stupid 'puter is being crap again.  grr...

[westwriter]

An interesting piece.  I agree with cynic that the description alone isn't strong enough to carry the story.  Something needs to happen (either in reality or the protagonist's mind) that builds tension.

Also, I think the two places where you use parenthesis aren't really necessary.  These thoughts fit fine in the interior ramblings of this person's mind.  Adding parenthesis makes me think of an ordered process that this person couldn't master in his or her present state.

Just my two cents!

Greg

[Jexral]

Thanks to both of you for the feedback.  You hit on some things that I was already wondering about, and also brought up a couple of things I hadn't considered.  Thanks.

[ErikHolmes]

Jexral,

I thought the story was well written, but lacked a big finish.

Usually when I read a story like that, the finish is what I'm looking for, the surprise at the end. This didn't have it.

(It's funny though, as I was reading it, he starts talking about the soul, how it can be corrupted, etc. When he found the body I totally thought we were going to find out he was a ghost, one who'd died shooting up in that alley and was forever doomed to haunt that alley, shooting up . . .)

The writing was solid, but it needs a clear message, purpose, big ending, etc.

[Silk]

So, I thought the character and the premise were interesting. Check.

I only had a couple of concerns:

The narrating voice seems kind of inconsistent to me. One minute he's loftily debating sin or whatever else with himself, the next minute he's descended into a very modern, disaffected young person sort of voice. (And by young I mean late teens or early twenties.) It's fine for his thoughts to wander and even, I think, for those changes in tone to occur. But I would also like to see some sort of through line in the voice so that I know I'm still reading about the same person.

At the moment, I would describe this piece more as a vignette--one of those "slice of life" deals--than a story. There's no movement here. You have a point A but no point B.

It's not that there's anything wrong with vignettes, but the way I understand the current market you'd have an awfully hard time getting one published.