Thoughts While Reading:
Why is he randomly now scaling a wall? Did I miss/forget something?
You're answering the first question (Did you have to kill the servants) down closer to the second (Why not kill them?) with (Once he started killing he found it very hard to stop.) It's confusing.
It was kind of easy to make out her thoughts from his own
There shall be no wishy washiness in narration. Kill all "kind of"s, "sort of"s or "seemed to"s or anything like unto it. (Well, for the most part anyway.
)
He was wearing moccasins to better grip the wall, and wearing moccasins reminded him of better times, before meeting Bathsin, before all the killing—he clenched his eyes shut—before becoming a monster.
Really? I would have thought moccasins would make it more difficult to climb a wall... but then I never wore real moccasins and am picturing something like a slipper. And I also thought that this line was a not so subtle way to transition into flashback mode and tell me some more of his back story, but then I was disappointed.
The parapet jutted out about three feet, and that, combined with the guards walking on top of the wall was going to make the last part of this climb difficult for all kinds of reasons, although difficult hardly bothered him anymore.
Too telly at the end.
Jagoth had never heard of anyone scaling the walls of Calthune before, not even during the war, but hey, after the fiasco yesterday, the gates were all double guarded and this was about the only way he could think of to get into the city without leaving a pile of bodies
'but hey' doesn't seem to fit the overall tone of this piece. Too informal. It shall be stricken with the rest of the wishy washy phrases.
a small stick figure joining the ant who was now running madly to see what had fallen.
Who is the stick figure and who is the ant? Or is there an actual ant? I am so confused.
Nobody answered the unasked question, at least not vocally.
This should be its own paragraph... and I don't think you need the last part so I am crossing it out.
Heh. Nobody is going to recognize me anywhere. Still, best to be safe
Don't underline, just go back to plain type.
Are there no laws about arming whoever, whenever? Like we have to register guns? I guess I was just getting the feeling that the knights kept order by being the only ones with the swords, but I don't think it would be a sticking point to me either way since the merchant seems a little less then honorable.
Overall impression:
Some good detail and lines that made me smile, but there is too much internal thought (some of it felt forced too, like he was just thinking it to infodump to the audience... not a natural thought I would expect him to have right at this moment), and I am getting annoyed with being left in the dark about his back story. Not intrigued to read more; annoyed. As in you-better-tell me-soon-or-I-will-throw-this-book-across-the-room. Which would be really sad because then I would have to buy a new computer. The main problem is that at this point I am not really sure who (or what) I should be rooting for. The knights? This crazed assassin? The king who barely made an appearance? I just don't know and it bothers me. But I suppose enough is happening that people reading this in one stretch might not have such difficulties.
That's it from me. Just keep cranking it out.