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Reading Excuses / Re: Spejoku's Nightlife
« on: December 19, 2008, 10:17:58 PM »
Ok, usually I read all the other critiques before I post my own, but I don't have time for that right now so I apologize if some of this is a repeat. Also, sorry it has taken me so long to get to your submission. I hope you can still use this.
Ok, let me get the nit-picky things out first.
Ok, enough of that. Now for what I liked.
Ok, now for my critique.
The story is great, and I understand this is not chapter one, but the story seems a little jumbled to me. I like the first person narrative, but sooooo much happened in this submission that I got tired of reading, "then I did this, then I did that." It's hard for me to pin point exactly what I'm trying to explain, I'm sorry.
Another thing I didn't like was that your MC has just discovered he has these "powers" or "abilities" and yet it takes his older brother to get him off his butt to go out and experiment and learn about them.
I also thought the "smells and scent" portions were good, but a little long. I liked how he found out that the oily smell was fear, that was cool. But preceding that, the whole garbage and other smells eventually started to drag.
I think the story is great and has potential. I would steer a little away from the slang and make it more descirptive and less, "now we did this and now we are doing that." Hope this helps. Good luck!
Ok, let me get the nit-picky things out first.
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When he was halfway across, Caleb twisted in the air to face me and smileMaybe say, "...to face me and smiled."
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He moved from still so suddenly that I wondered if he had ever stopped.This sentence was confusing to me.
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...adrenaline giving us wingsI thought this was a bit cheesy.
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It’s hard being needed, even harder when the person who needs you would get killed by a sociopath mutant otherwise.I think you could do without this sentence.
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Like a classic villain, Trohs was still gloatingSorry, rolled my eyes on this one...a little over the top for me.
Ok, enough of that. Now for what I liked.
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Caleb was actually laughing, the idiot.I was laughing out loud on this one. Reminded me of one of my friends. Great job.
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I mentally resolved to stuff potpourri into his face the next chance I gotAnother great line, keep this. Although you tend to say, "mentally resolved" a lot. How about, "I vowed to stuff..."
Ok, now for my critique.
The story is great, and I understand this is not chapter one, but the story seems a little jumbled to me. I like the first person narrative, but sooooo much happened in this submission that I got tired of reading, "then I did this, then I did that." It's hard for me to pin point exactly what I'm trying to explain, I'm sorry.
Another thing I didn't like was that your MC has just discovered he has these "powers" or "abilities" and yet it takes his older brother to get him off his butt to go out and experiment and learn about them.
I also thought the "smells and scent" portions were good, but a little long. I liked how he found out that the oily smell was fear, that was cool. But preceding that, the whole garbage and other smells eventually started to drag.
I think the story is great and has potential. I would steer a little away from the slang and make it more descirptive and less, "now we did this and now we are doing that." Hope this helps. Good luck!