Timewaster's Guide Archive
General => Rants and Stuff => Topic started by: FirstMateJack on March 31, 2006, 03:16:33 PM
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Make a wish, the next person grants it but also corrupts it and then makes his/her own wish.
Such as:
--a generic wish for world peace--
Granted, everyone now thinks, looks and acts exactly the same, so there is no need to fight and bicker.
I wish I had a cup and plate, that I could fill with any type of food and drink I wanted at any moment, and simply make what I didn't want on it, dissapear!
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This is the most awesome thread, ever.
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The food and drink would be from the plate of a starving family in the third world, and would be filled with addictive qualities. So that you HAD to eat from it, knowing that by doing so a family that needs it goes hungry.
I want to be intensely rich, but not famous.
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your riches will come from legitimate sources, but since you're not famous, when you are falsely accused of crimes against humanity, no one will care and you'll live the rest of your life sharing a cell with Mr. Hussein.
I wish to be a successful fantasy novelist.
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All of your wealth would come directly from the sale of Microsoft products, and absolutely no one--even the people you like--will ever know who you are.
I want to be happy.
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Your happiness will come at the expense of your friends, whom you are ignoring.
I still want to be a successful fantasy novelist.
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Your first book will have 'THE NEXT ROBERT JORDAN' emblazoned across it.
I want to be a cyborg.
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You are a cyborg. but, your batteries are ni-cad. so you have to recharge for 4 hours every hour.
I wish I owned Disneyland.
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you own disneyland France.
I want all the world's chocolate.
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" you own disneyland France. "
Damage!!!
The chocolate is in the form of a gigantic bunny.. you are the center.
I wish for the right to print my own money.
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You can only print Monopoly money. And even then, only 1's.
I wish for an incorruptible wish.
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your wish is incorruptable, but you accidentally use it on something stupid like world peace.
I wish life were like D&D.
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You're a wizard with an intelligence of 9. And your party starts a fight in every bar you enter.
I wish I had a pet dragon.
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You didn't train your pet very well and he ate you.
I wish I could fly.
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Gravity disagrees with your wish.
I wish I could make faces like the smilies. :D
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You can make faces like the smileys, but your face is so horribly disfigured that everyone thinks you are threatening them.
I wish that I had telikineisis.
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Telikenesis is a TV show, as opposed to the psychic ability (Telekinesis).
I wish I was a real boy.
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You are a real boy, but your only friend is a cricket.
I wish I had a delicious pizza.
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Unfortunately the pizza gives you terrible gas.
I wish I knew how to code websites.
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You know how to code websites, but only ones involving paper manufacturing.
I wish I could understand Latin.
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You can understand latin, and are saddend when you realize that all traces of latin writing in the world is destroyed by a bizarre highly connected religious cult.
I want a pony.
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You get a pony, who throws you from his back and you are paralyzed for the rest of your life.
I wish I ran my own library.
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You run a library, but in a tragic accident with falling books are crippled and have to run it over the internet, never able to touch another book again because of an complex developed in said accident.
I wish I was the most famous general of all time.
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You're General Mills.
I wish I were asleep.
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You are asleep, in fact you have always been alseep and your whole life is just one big dream/nightmare. You body is really being used as a battery to support an alien TV remote.
I wish I were nice.
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You get too nice and everyone you meet either falls in love with you or gets incredibly annoyed with you.
I wish I was famous.
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You are on American Idol.
I wish I had a dragoon.
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You get a dragoon, bad miniture knock-off of the dragon. It breaths cigarette smoke and looks like a poorly fish. Aw.
I wish I had a beautiful, clever, funny girlfriend who never cheated on me.
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You do, but then she breaks up with you and goes out with your little brother.
I wish I was able to fly an airplane.
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You can fly a plane, just no one will let you have license or go anywhere near controls of a plane because of the other incident. You know the one. And you don't know how to land a plane.
I wish I had a really nice Kobe beef steak cooked perfectly.
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you have it, but you raised the cow as a pet from childhood, you even trained it to fetch and beg you loved that cow. Each tasty bite of rare succulent flesh breaks your heart.
I wish I were an oscar meyer wiener.
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You are a poisoned Oscar Meyer wiener. Nobody loves you. As a matter of fact, you just killed a man.
I wish I could go back in time, and relive the best parts of my life over again.
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You get to go back in time to relive the best parts of your life over again, but with your knowledge of the future, you inadvertantly change the past and turn all of your best experiences into the worst experiences of your life.
I wish I had a pair of comfortable slippers.
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You have a comfortable pair of slippers--that would only fit someone as big as Hagrid.
I wish I had a box full of dark chocolate.
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You're pregnant again and the mere sight of that box of chocolate makes you throw up.
I wish I had a pair of carnivorous curtains.
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The carnivourous curtains devour your parents when they come to visit, and then spits out their bones, leaving stains on the carpet.
I wish teachers wouldn't assign so much homework.
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They don't assign the homework, but it turns out that the next batch of homework was actually going to teach you something. Having missed the homework, you fail all your standardized tests and finals, never get a job, and to support yourself have to grow nipples all over your body for a bizarre medical group that then harvests the nipples and sells them to plastic surgeons.
I wish I could play guitar like a superhuman hybrid of Jimi Hendrix, Mark Whitfield, and Sonny Sharrock.
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You can but the records you make get bundled with free aol software, so no one listens to them.
I wish TWG would become a media empire.
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they do, then becoming the leading members of the RIAA and MPAA and develop initiatives and software that effectively prevent all file sharing, even legally purchased downloads.
I wish I would get off my butt and get something done.
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You do get off your butt, then realize that all the lazying around you've done for the past few weeks (including not commenting on my story like you promised) that you've gained about 10 pounds.
I wish to find a house today while we're in Utah County that we love so much that we put a contract on it.
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You get your wish, but have you ever seen The Money Pit? Nuff said.
My wish is that I *only* gained 10 pounds during this lazing about.
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You put a contract on a house but it puts one out on you as well and, since the house is much better connected than you, you die in a mysterious accident involving natural gas and an exploding house before your contract on the house can be fulfilled.
I wish I had a job as an IT person.
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You only gained ten pounds but it's all in your ankles.
I wish my yard were self-maintaining.
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Your yard is self-maintaining, but the only things that will grow in it are imaginary pun-based plants from Piers Anthony's Xanth books.
I wish I had more bookshelves.
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you have more bookshelves, but they are living beings who survive by occasionally eating your books, usually the ones you want to read at a given time.
I wish Texas wasn't part of the United States.
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Texas is no longer part of the US, but this is because the US broke up when Canada attacked.
I wish I had a large colony of Viking Platypi that I could use in unholy breeding experiments with my ninja monkeys
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You do, but the resulting creatures are drab, short-sighted, and spend their time doing half of a crossword puzzle and complaining about the neighbors.
I wish every day at work was as good as today.
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It is, but then you begin to realize that scrapbooking is pretty awesome, and instead of making lunchtime runs to the game store for Pirates of the South China Sea, you start making lunchtime runs to Pebbles In My Pocket to buy a really awesome glue stick.
I wish houses weren't so dang expensive.
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They're suddenly much cheaper, yet you're still too poor to buy one.
I wish I had an automatic fried chicken machine.
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You have one but the chicken it makes tastes like watermelon.
I wish I could ignore politics.
Edit: I must say that this is nearly the most entertaining thread ever.
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you ignore politics so much that a corrupt despot ends up taking over the country and forcing everyone to celebrate corn dog tuesday and tater tot friday. Only the corn dogs and tater tots are actually made from people.
When you find out you find yourself incapable of running down the street yelling "corndogs are people" Eventually you are killed before you reach your 30th birthday in an ironic melange of bad sci-fi films
I wish Spriggan could spell.
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Spriggan can spell, but you can't.
I wish I didn't have to waste so much time sleeping.
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You don't have to waste so much time sleeping, but you realize that you loved it so much that you end up sleeping for fourteen hours straight every day.
I wish I had money.
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You have money, but you also have bills in excess of the money you have.
I wish the guy I've been flirting with for the last two months would ask me out already.
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His idea of a night on the town is the dollar menu at McDonald's. And he wants to split the check.
I wish I could save time in a bottle.
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You've saved time in a bottle, but you don't have a bottle opener.
I wish I were a superhero.
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You are a superhero, but you are the superhero of the Nazi's.
I wish I would win a writting award.
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You win "The Gud Speller's Writting Award for Peopel that Spel Goood."
I wish I had an appropriately large amount of money.
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You have a large amount of money--so large that you become the target of a robbery and lose it all.
I wish I knew what I was doing with my life.
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You do, but its all counterfeit and you are arrested and put away for ten years when you try to buy a car with it.
I wish I had a nice big house.
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You know what you are doing with your life, and that is robbing people named Dan Wells.
I still wish for a nice big house.
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you have a nice big house, but it's filled with slime creatures that like to hump your leg.
I wish I had stayed home and gotten some rest today.
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You do stay home, but only because the bubonic plague condemned you and everyone in your home, forcing you to never leave untill (if?) you get over it.
I wish all my students would bring back their homework.
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They do, but they weren't lying about the dog having eaten it.
I wish I had a nice computer
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You have a nice computer, it's just plotting to take over the world with floppy drives and 64k of RAM.
I wish I weren't so sleep deprived.
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You have plenty of sleep -- you've been in a coma for fourteen years.
I wish I'd remembered to grab something for breakfast before coming to work.
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You did, but what you grabbed was slimy, squishy, and of indeterminate shape. Tastes like chicken though.
I wish I wasn't bored out of my fricking mind right now.
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Granted. You have now the memory of a goldfish. Everything is always new and exciting (much like the whale in Hitchikers guide)!!!
I wish random level 1 creeps (fluffy bunnies and little birds) really did drop small amounts of gold everytime you beat one up.
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They do, but the first time it happens you get locked up in prison for animal cruelty.
I wish I could get over this cold.
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You do, it becomes a full fledged exotic tropical disease which kills you.
I wish puppies werent so cute
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All dogs now resemble Sam (http://www.samugliestdog.com/)
if they are a male, and a tiny, tiny, snouted, Barbara Streishand if they are female.
I wish that all asphalt roads were cement.
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They are, but they are all unfortunatly still wet.
I wish I wasn't such a sucker for a sob story. (Picked up too many extra hours of work this week.)
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You are suddenly an un-holy cross somewhere between Draco Malfoy, a especially anti-social lobster and the mean looking smiley ( >:( )
I wish Mad Dr Jeffe's avatar would stop his temper tantrum. (I can't stop watching, 'cause I just know it's gonna stop, noone can scream that long!...can they?)
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It stops, but only because armagedon has come, and since it was the prophet fortelling armagedon it just smirks as you plea for mercy.
I wish I owned a candy factory.
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You do, and it's staffed with beautiful women, all of whom are desperately in love with you. You make tons of money, and have a great big house on the hill, and all your wildest dreams come true. But you can never enjoy any of it, because you keep waiting for something to be wrong.
I wish my next book would get on Oprah's book club.
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It does, but only after you rewrite it to be filled with steamy sex scenes. Because of all the cutting you have to do to fit in the sex, the plot no longer makes sense, and the book flops.
I wish I had a magic carpet.
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Its a magic carpet, but all it does is self clean, absorbing anythign that comes into contact with it for more than a couple seconds, including the floor.
I wish I where in utah
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You are in Utah, but you got there by being dragged behind a minivan by a rope around your legs.
I wish today were May 26, so that I would never have to see my high school again.
In reference to the next post, you do know that B.C. means that it is a negative term. Which means that my bones wouldn't be petrified, they wouldn't even exist yet.
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It is May 26... 1,000,000 BC! Your long-petrified remains were never discovered on the high school grounds, so while you cannot see it, you will never be able to leave.
I wish I had leet ninja skillz.
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You do, leet begging for mercy ninja skillz.
I wish I could jump ten feet into the air without the aid of anything but my feet.
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You can, but only in a room with a six-foot ceiling.
I wish I spent more time writing.
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You do, but you spend it writing romance.
I wish I had the IQ of two-hundred-forty-seven.
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You do, but you also suddenly turn into a duck. Now your gift will never be noticed. *Sighs
I wish I had a lifetime supply of delicious food which never goes bad, and I never get sick of.
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you grow horribly corpulent and are unable to reach any of your food and are too disgusting to look at so you starve to death.
I wish I didn't have this headache
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You don't have a headache because you stayed in bed after taking some asprin. Unfortunatly your boss had warned you that if you were late for work again he would fire you. And since you already used up all of your sick days to go to action figure cons you are fired, your family gets into debt, loses your house, and your children are reposesed. You die four years later in the gutter of a Missouri town called Licking the brunt of several rude 'lumpy' jokes.
I wish I hadn't just pulled an all-nighter.
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You haven't pulled an all-nighter. It's still night in Alaska.
I wish the new ferret cage I ordered would arrive.
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It arrives, one piece at a time for the next twelve years.
I wish that I owned six metric tons of fireworks.
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It arrives, complete with a new cousin/playmate for your ferret: a skunk, who doesn't like people.
I wish I would go ahead and get this stupid outline done
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A fairy appears, and with her help you finish your outline! You turn it in, so pleased with yourself... but she kept adding cutesy phrases to it and little hearts on the i's and j's. People in general, your wife especially, begin to ponder once unquestionable correlations between you and a closet.
I wish I had immutable control over what day was and what day was not opposite day.
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you have control, but today is opposite day.
(parse that one out, bucko)
I wish I wasn't spacey today.
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Your not, your spacey spaced!
I wish that I had six metric tons of fireworks.
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You receive six metric tons of fireworks as they appear 500 feet above your house and car, this is unfortunate because they are really heavy. But you can still use them! (see how nice I am to grant such a wish?)
I wish I could find 3 candidates to fill my jobs I am looking at so I could be a little more wealthy. (so greedy)
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You find them, all dead in your apartment with your fingerprints on a gun and are charged with triple homicide and given the chair.
I wish gum flavors lasted longer.
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They do, but by order of the government all gum must now taste like cough syrup. Yum.
I wish I had a pegasus.
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You do, and it has rabies.
I wish I could bench two hundred pounds with my eyebrows.
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Good news! They can, but you aren't getting along with them too well lately, and, well, they took it out on your face during a weight lifting session. You are now a vegetable.
I wish I had an everlasting carton of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream.
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You do have an everlasting carton of Ben & Jerry's half-baked ice cream, but even though it keeps giving ice cream it all expired in 1978.
I wish my final stats project were done.
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It is done, but only because you paid a certain someone (who is to remain unnamed) to deploy his ninja monkeys to finish it. Unfortunatly you don't have enough money to pay him back for his "services" and spend the the next seven years running and hiding wherever you can trying and get away from the ninja monkey asassain priests as they hunt you down. You are caught and imprisoned where you finally go insane after several months of Chinese water torture.
I wish I had a Ferrari with a giant fedora attached to it.
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Granting that wish is against my (and against anyone who can respect that car's) moral conscience. Let's just say you died from a long, horrible disfiguiring accident, in a different vehicle, just before they were to put on the fedora and leave it at that.
I wish we had let Germany keep France.
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We did, they nuked Salt Lake and you died.
I wish I were a master alchemer.
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You are, but since that isn't a real thing, it doesn't do you any good.
I wish my wife would stop getting sick.
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She stops getting sick, but it's because she's like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, and you have to quit your job and take care of the kids because she's so busy fighting crime.
I wish I weren't so lazy.
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You stop being lazy, in fact you become so productive that you manage to accomplish everything you need to accomplish in your life in just under four hours. Then you die.
I wish I weren't so paranoid.
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You are no longer paranoid, and the people who are out to get you can now do so without hindrance.
I wish I had a lightsaber.
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You do, but do to the problems of physics with such a weapon it is incorporeal.
I wish I had roller skates.
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You do, but for some reason they have been shaped to fit your hands. How good are you at handstands?
I wish I had an extra day off to do all the work I was supposed to be doing today.
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You are granted an extra day off and finish all of the work you were supposed to do today, however upon returning to work you find that the company had been sold and all the employees fired the day before, you did not receive the memo due to your day off, which you wasted because all the work you did is now useless.
I wish I could make my hair do that...
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You get your hair to do that, but it likes it so much it never does anything else, and by the time you're 80 you're sick of it.
I wish my dog could speak English.
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Your dog can speak English, but it swears like a sailor.
I wish Brenna would let me sleep in.
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Brenna does let you sleep in, but only because she's decided that she's all grown up and doesn't need you anymore.
I wish someone nice would come talk to me.
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Someone nice does come talk to you, but you spurn them, so they go talk to someone else.
I wish it wouldn't snow anymore.
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It doesn't snow anymore. Little kids can't make snow angels or snowmen or have snowball fights with Daddy. When they come in from playing, Mommy isn't waiting there with big, steaming mugs of hot chocolate and a roaring fire in the fireplace. And all the magic and wonder fade from the world as it slowly dies.
I wish for more wishes.
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You get an unlimited number of wishes (like you already have!), but they are also corrupted.
I wish that my new Sims 2 Open For Business pc game would work.
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It works, but only from 9-5, and not on weekends or major holidays.
I wish I didn't have a headache.
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You don't have a headache, but only because your head was cut off in a freak accident.
I wish I was in New York.
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You are, but you got there by being bound and gagged and stuffed in a trunk.
I wish I were a ninja.
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You're recruited by The Foot. The Ninja Turtles take you out on your first day on the job.
I wish for a better response to my wish for more wishes. ;D
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you are granted more wishes, on the condition that you surrender a portion of your body, chosen by the wish-granter, for each wish.
I wish I wasn't at work today so I could do other stuff.
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You're not at work because you've been stricken with leprosy, and must now live in a colony for the rest of your painful, miserable life. Unclean!
I wish I didn't have allergies.
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You're allergies are removed...along with your colon. Hello colostomy bag.
I wish people would start using their brains instead of just carting them around in their skulls.
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People start using their brains to decorate your office, and now you have spinal fluid congealing all over your desk and keyboard.
I wish Mustard wasn't such a punk.
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He is now a country singer.
I wish I had more energy.
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You are now filled with kinetic energy, though you will lose it rather explosively when you land.
I wish my neck didn't hurt.
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Your neck will no longer hurt after I land on you.
I wish I had a giant Milky Way bar.
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You do. but now you hate Chocolate, can't stand it in fact.
I wish work would do itself sometimes.
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Work does itself, but it does it all backwards and upsidedown, so you have to re-do everything and it takes twice as long.
I wish my house would auto-clean.
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Your house cleans itself automatically, but does so by getting rid of anything dirty. You now have no dishes and no clothes, except the clothes on your back.
I wish I had my own rose garden with lovely walkways and benches.
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Youd do, but the only creature who thinks they are lovely is the retarded dwarf flying squirrel contracter who you hired to do them.
I wish I had a life-time supply of gum.
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You do, but it's the kind that tastes like rubber bands after 30 seconds.
I wish I had more hours in the day.
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Granted,, there are 2 more hours... now we all have to work for 10.
ugh.... thanks.
I wish my wife and I could have a house.
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Unfortunately, it is an 8-hour commute to work, so by the time you get home you have to immediately turn around and go back.
I wish my teacher weren't so boring.
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Your teacher ceases to be boring, in fact your teacher becomes the life of the party, so much so that your class becomes one big party. You finish the class knowing nothing about the subject being taught and you've become a drug addict while contracting some sort of STD.
I wish I had more disposable cash.
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*Walks over and withdraws all of 42's monies and then disposes of all of 42's cash.
Bye Bye cash.
I wish that I had a head full of thick hair, that was blue.
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FirstMateJack finds the head of Sesame Street's Cookie Monster in his mail box.
I wish I could do nothing but sleep, eat, read comics, and watch movies for about a week.
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The food is all fritos. The comics are all about Barbie. And the movies are all porn.
I wish I had wasted less time today.
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FirstMateJack finds the head of Sesame Street's Cookie Monster in his mail box.
Can I just say.... bwahahahahahaaaaaa.
Anyway, SE, you did waste less time. In fact, you worked so nonstop and so efficiently that you went into cardiac arrest and no one intervened because your co-workers have had their eyes on your action figure collection for some time now and, at long last, they'll be able to raid your collection.
I wish all my student loans were paid off and I had $1 million in the bank.
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You do, but only because you took a loan out from the Mafia, and when you can't pay it back you have to fake your own death and live the rest of your life in the mountains. The native americans eventually name a legend after you 'Pay Your Debts Off the Honest Way Kids.'
I wish I won a contest of some sort.
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Yes!! I getta genuine Cookie Monster head!! hahaha.
I am the Viener!
Drat.. I was to slow,
You just won the contest of dumbest timing ever, cause my answer that I had written to her wish was much better and now noone can see it. :'( 8)
Now...I wish a had a head full of brilliant yellow feathers. ;D (Not human, and not mine!)
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Careful what you wish for. You killed Big Bird and kids everywhere are out to kill you. Oh, and they'll get you, don't worry. Haven't you read Lord of the Flies? So you have, I'd say, three days to live. Enjoy them and your new doo.
I wish I could find a 1 BR apt in Boston with all util incl., parking, and a W/D for less than $900 so that I don't have to sell my soul in order to find a good place to move.
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no need to sell your soul, You find the best apartment.. Only 600!!!! utili included. bt ...you wake up one day and discover that your kidney has been taken in the night and is now somewhere on the black market.
Little kids? What is this, children of the corn?
I wish that I didn't have to drive through traffic to get home like I am going to do right now....good bye! :)
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It's your lucky day! Due to the nuclear war in the mideast, cars have been outlawed to conserve the remaining oil reserves. You now get to ride a crowded bus home, right next to an overweight balding man with halitosis and B. O.
I wish the voices in my head would stop telling me to do bad things to people.
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They start telling you to do bad stuff to your self.
I wish to change the station.
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It's your lucky day! You now get to ride a crowded bus home, right next to an overweight balding man with halitosis and B. O.
...I AM the overweight balding man with halitosis.....
Haha. jk... that's gross, I'm only bald.
E, You are given a can of brilliant blue paint and a toothbrush and told to go change the color of Grand Central Station (the one in New York).
:)
Whew... I wish our internet connection at work would stop going in and out!
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Cognrats, your internet connection has just stopped going in and out. Now it's just out. But it was kind enough to tell you that it's just going out to get some cigerrettes and it should be back soon.
I wish people would just be honest with themselves.
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People are no longer honest with each other. Just themselves.
I wish I didn't keep writing myself into a corner
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You now are no longer writing yourself into a corner. Everything you write is gold and glory. Everyone loves your books and you are the best author ever. This is true as long as you never, ever love. Well? what do you say!
I wish I knew what it was that Meatloaf wouldn't do for love (I know he wouldn't do THAT, but... what is That?).
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Eat Brussels sprouts. But really, who in his right mind would?
I wish I were special. And don't say, "You're short bus special." That's too easy.
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You're special, but no more than anyone else.
I wish I would have normal sleeping habits.
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You now have normal sleeping habits, but only because aliens implanted a chip into your brain that makes you adhere to a normal sleep schedule. Thus the aliens can perform experiments on you while you sleep.
I wish there would be an end to social stratisfication.
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Incidentally, the song actually says what meatloaf won't do. The last two minutes of the album version begin with a female vocalist listing impossible things she wants Meatloaf to do (like build an emerald city with just his hands) and then accuses that he will get bored or sleep around or ditch her. And he says, to the first part "I can do that." and to the second part, "I won't do that."
This becomes true as soon as the aliens enslave us. We will all be equal when we are all subservient.
I wish for fluffy bunnies (that aren't killers)
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You get several fluffy bunnies with dinner. They are quite tasty.
I wish I didn't have to deal with idiots at work
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what's corrupted about that?
You don't have to work with idiots at work because you're unemployed.
I wish the weekend were here.
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It's the weekend!!!! But.. only because somehow... Thursday got skipped.... This leads millions of people to start following self-proclaimed prophets who claim they made the days skip, just like in the Bible.. but it was the opposite. Now the world is flooded with soothsayers and end of the world prophets who clog our streets and begin stealing from our governments and businesses. In the end i is utter chaos. But you wouldn't know, because, It's the weekend!!!
....I never really listened to the song.. I didn't even know there was a female vocalist anywhere in the song. Good to know!! My wish is granted...twice.
I wish I could type in cheat codes for real life....not SUPER cheap cheat codes.. I still want to have some kinda challenge, or else I will get bored. you know? all though the invincibility would come in handy a few times for picking up the XX million dollar bounties on some of the terrorists.
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You have cheat codes, but you now live in a world with 8-bit graphics and poor translations.
I wish Fish luck in her search for the perfect geek guy.
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Fine, I'm not waiting any longer. Wish granted. Fish has bad luck with men. Of course, she would probably argue that nothing has changed.
I wish I didn't keep killing threads.
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Too late.
I wish my bed was softer.
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You have the most softest bed ever, but it's so soft that it swallows you up, thus suffocating you, and the mattress is hauled to the dump, where you are interred under tons of fetid garbage.
I wish all my things were moved to my new apartment already! *sigh*
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Done, all your things have been moved to your new apartment. Unfortunately you have enrage the gods who scramble your navigation skills causing you to forget the location of your new apartment. You thus spend the rest of your life on an endless quest trying to get home. Along the way you help the helpless and fight forces of evil always being just one step away from you new home.
I wish I understood everything there is to understand about statistics.
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You understand everything about statistics, and this knowledge paralyzes you with fear.
I wish people knew how to use ellipses correctly.
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Done!! Everyone in the world is given a pencil, one long piece of flexible string, a nifty clear, plastic protractor with accompanying ruler included and a small box with two brightly colored thumbtacks.
I wish all the trees staged a coup and rebelled against their human masters (oh... except they are still rooted to the gound... walking trees.. don't be preposterous!)
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Granted! All the trees in the world unite in a giant hive mind to take back the Earth. Using powerful telepathic attacks, the trees slaughter their human masters. Which by a process of random selection their human masters happen to be you, your significant other, and some guy named Norman Porter.
I wish I knew what the animate conversation was about between the duck and the skunk outside my workplace this morning.
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That's easy to grant. You determine that the duck wanted the skunk to go somewhere else but the skunk refused to go until it could jump out of a trash can and spray a hotel employee (that would be you, again).
I wish I was smarter so that I wouldn't be so confused about what I'm suppose to be doing in life.
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You are smarter.. but only enough to know what you are doing and that it is no longer a challenge. Unfortunately you are stuck there. I hate that.
I wish we all spoke in the Queens English.
You know, like we started making up our own words, throwing in phrases that don't make sense and tagging on a few unecessary vowels.
Hellou goode chap! My bollies Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty are jonting over for a quick dekko at the picture show, it's the Bees knees if I do say, I'm all bladdered up aboute it, and Bob's your uncle.
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Unfortunately, instead of uniting humanity, it further separates us, since when you compliment my new shirt, I think you're insulting my mother.
I wish people in online forums would use their online resources to look things up online rather than writing, "What's _____? Your post would have made much more sense if I knew what _______ was."
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The search for online information outside of forums becomes so prominent and helpful that all online forums die, including this one, and with it dies a piece of your soul.
I wish my freaking computer would freaking work.
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Your computer works but it takes Siestas 23 hours of the day.
I wish I was done with my Final Project interactive CD.
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In order to get it done so quickly, you did a horrible job. The teacher gives you a "T" (for "Troll") as your final grade.
I wish I had been told that my class was being delayed for an hour because, apparently, they didn't have another room for some stupid presentation.
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You were told but wrote the delay down for the wrong week; you still arrive early, and miss an hour of class another day.
I wish Utah Valley had a good job market.
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Done, Utah Valley now has an amazing job market, as long as you are willing to work 80 hours a week in high stress situations for less than minimum wage.
I wish my body weight would find a balance between rapid weight gain and rapid weight loss--just be normal for once.
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Doesn't sound like a good job market to me - the problem isn't finding a job, it's finding a good job that pays well.
Your body weight normalises at 190 lbs. of pure fat - most of which seems to be located at your stomach.
I still wish Utah had a good job market.
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Utah has a fabulous job market! Plenty of jobs, 30 hour weeks, more money than you can shake a stick at, full benefits, terrific retirement, and the jobs never get boring. Sadly, you now live in Ulaanbaatar.
I wish my cursor didn't change fields in TWG just for moving my mouse.
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DOne, now it randomly changes websites everytime you move the cursor to the wrong spot.
I wish I could find more companies to sign up for my work.
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You find more companies to sign up. The companies are: (please roll on the following chart as often as you need).
- 1- On the verge of bankruptcy
- 2- Operating from an 8 year-olds bedroom
- 3- A specialty firm employeeing only frogs
- 4- A Fanatic Suicide Cult
- 5- The Mafia
- 6- Owned by Satan
I wish I could walk into a game store and buy several thousand dollars worht of stuff without it breaking my budget or landing my in court.
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You do buy several thousands of dollars worth of stuff but then your pet ferret destroys it all in revenge for not buying her anything that she wanted.
I wish I had a car that doesn't run on gasoline and would never require repairs.
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You do. Your car never moves, but does not require gas or repairs.
I wish I didn't have a headache.
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You'r headache can only dissapear if you give it to someone in your family and so on.
I wish the weather would just be sunny so I could wash my car.
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It is and you do, but then you get a wicked sunburn with third-degree burns and end up in the local burn unit for the next four months.
I sure wish I could win a life's supply of free gas for my car.
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...But my car is washed and clean right? cause that is what's important.
You have your year supply of free gas.. It is going to be air dropped at your place tomorrow at noon, be ready.
I wish that saw everything the way the person closest to them at the time would normally see things.
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Sure you see everything that way, then have a nervous break down trying understand what you wished for.
I wish everyone would stop using verbal abuse as a way to manipulate goods and services out of other people. It never works.
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They stop doing it, then you realize that it was the only way that worked.
I wish I knew exactly who I was and why I was here.
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You do find out why you're here, but once you do, you realize you've been wasting too much time writing/playing/reading instead of whatever it is you're supposed to be doing. Then you decide that whatever it is you're supposed to be doing isn't worth giving all that fun stuff up.
I wish I didn't have to wear contacts/glasses, and that I had 20/20 vision.
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A doctor gives you perfect vision by treating you with "ossitincture" which is produced by removing all the bones in your body, grinding them to powder, mixing them with a gallon of your own urine and distilling the paste down to a 40 ounce suppository which you slowly absorb in the traditional manner.
I wish I didn't have allergies.
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Ouch, Skar. That wasn't very nice.
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Well, that's the point isn't it?
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Yes, but a 40oz suppository? What's that, the size of a quart bottle?
Are you saying my butt's big?
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Not at all my dear lady. I'm sure your butt is the perfect size. I just figured that no matter how big your butt was a 40 oz suppository would hurt. ;D
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Thanks to surgery, you no longer have allergies, but the side effect of the surgery on your nasal cavity is that now you can no longer smell anything.
I wish my son would stop picking his nose.
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He stops picking his nose because it has fallen off.
I wish, just for one day, I could feel rested.
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One day you wake up feeling fully rested, and are very happy. But then (because you only slept for two hours and managed to trick your body into thinking it had been asleep for fourteen hours) on the way to work you fall asleep at the wheel and drive of the freeway into a gulley filled with rocks. After rolling several feet you land in a mudhole, and by the time that the emergency workers are able to save you it's to late: you are crippled for life, never able to walk again, always in one of those wheely-deal things.
I wish I could afford not getting up at six today.
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That doesn't sound so bad. Though to fall in a gully I would have had to have been going the really wrong way. However, that makes sense if I'm tired.
anyway, you can afford to not wake up at 6 by waking up at 4.
I wish the baby would come soon and healthy.
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Granted, the baby does come soon, and she's healthy...a healthy alien from Alpha Centari. She has blue hair, super-strength, and can roll her tongue
I wish I my stress induced cold would go away.
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What??!! A baby like that is a gold mine!! You could write books, be on Oprah, just about anything!
Your stress induced cold goes away. But you get a little more stress due to the exchange.
I wish I found the guy who broke into my car and took my radio. :(
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I was gonna say. Most of my wishes aren't really corrupt. Although it means that either i'm an alien, my wife's an alien, my wife had an affair with an alien, or my wife was violated by an alien. At least half of those are unpleasant to think of.
Anyway, you find the guy. When he comes back and robs you of your computer and other electronics at gunpoint
I wish I was on top of the things I'm trying to accomplish (and by that I mean have them undercontrol with a knowledge that I will finish them in a reasonable time period)
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Granted, you are now on top of everything you wish to accomplish. And happily you accomplish all that you with to accomplish. Now you have nothing left you wish to accomplish.
I think your wishing what I'm wishing...Marvel would make and distribute a line of Dare Devil sleeping masks, with optional hairnet cowl.
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Sadly, Marvel goes out of business from the lawsuits resulting from people
a: using them improperly and choking in their sleep;
b: believing that the mask gives them super-senses and jumping off buildings; or
c: actually gaining super-senses and going deaf from everyday noises.
I wish I were dating Lauren Graham.
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Granted. You and Lauren Graham are going steady. All is going beautifully until the poparazzi ruin everything! They chase the both of you trying to leave a Victoria's Secret without being noticed and your driving skills just aren't up to the task and you slam into a highway divider and die a terrible death of flaming gasoline and twisted metal. On the upside, they display the dirty dishes from the last meal you two ate right up front at the downtown Victoria's Secret for all to see out of deep respect for the dead, star-crossed couple.
I wish that, when I got home, my internet connection would be magically hooked up so that I wouldn't have to try to figure out the blasted self-install kit.
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It is. You still can't use it, because you're unable to interpret the arcane runes used to set it up. After months of intense study with local occultists, you are finally able to decipher this much: I prepared "Explosive Runes" this mor--
I wish I had two more D&D figurines.
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You now have two more D&D figurines, which unfortunately is all you will ever have. It's even more unfortunate that those two figurines somehow come to life, steal your cell phone, and use up all your minutes spreading horrible rumors about you to all of your friends, family, and acquaintances.
I wish I energy to do stuff.
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Done!
The "stuff" you have energy to do is photosynthesize and participate in osmosis. Neither of which your biology is capable of. But at least it has the energy.
I wish that people listened to the music I like.
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They do, and they have exactly the same opinion of it and everything else you like or dislike. Your quest then becomes to find an individual amongst the manniquins. You are unable to and eventually go insane at the same instant that everyone else gets their own opinions back, and they, using thier opinions, decide to put you in a mental institution where you spend the rest of your life screaming "Can't sleep; clowns will eat me!"
I wish I knew what it was.
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You know what it is. And now you don't want it. But you can't get rid of it.
I wish I had more hard drive space without deleting/losing any files.
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You buy a new hard drive and are happy with your new dual drive, that is until you learn that it was made by a sweat shop in Ethiopia, and that starving children are being paid 2 cents an hour just so you can have a new hard drive. What a jerk.
I wish there wasn't any school today.
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Wish granted, since today is Saturday.
I wish my kid would potty train himself.
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He does. Then, realizing he can do that for himself, he decides to learn to read, write, and ride a bike, and cook, all by himself. Then he realizes he doesn't need you anymore, that in fact he never needed you, and leaves home, never to return.
I wish Congress would do something effective to lower gas prices.
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Machines stop using gas... combined with a form of fusion, the machines had found all the energy they would ever need....
I wish for an inherent bonus to my stats.
-
Granted... you now have an inherent bonus to some of your stats. Namely your states for your blood-pressure, cholesterol, and waist size all go up.
I wish that slavery would be abolished throughout the world and all of time.
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It is, but the aliens who come and take over the earth institute a policy of forced serfdom for all mankind.
I wish I had a bowl of ice cream.
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Granted. A nice, big bowl of sardine-flavored ice cream. Just for you.
I wish that my husband would take me and the kids out to dinner tonight, so I don't have to cook.
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he does, but its a family style cannibal restaurant... you wont be cooking for a looooong time.
I wish I wasnt so depressed.
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Granted. You are now happy. Almost manically so. You are, in fact, so cheerful, that people hate being around you. You are frequently sworn at and spit upon. Fortunately, you are so happy that you don't care.
I wish that the top post of each new page in this thread reads, "You and Lauren Graham are going steady." I love seeing that!
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it happens, and then you break up when she finds you are a complete dork and starts to hate you. Now the threads bring you only pain.
I wish I was out of debt
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You are, but to do it you had to sell two of your 4 children to a Bolivian Circus sideshow.
I wish I had some folks to game with.
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so... I get to keep the other two, right?
you do have people to game with. They just have a very different schedule. In other words, nothing's different!
I wish I had a cheeseburger
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You get a cheeseburger but you have to sell your other two children to get it and the cheeseburger is spiced with curry.
I wish that my youngest son would take better naps in the morning.
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curry?! noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
He naps great in the afternoon. But he doesn't sleep at all at night and instead spends 8 hours straight screaming at the top of his lungs.
I wish for more wishes.
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Granted. You become paralyzed by indecision. The possibilities of more wishes are so staggering that you can't even decide to come home at night. You lose your job, your wife and children leave you, you start to smell, eventually your employer carries you out to the garbage bin out back where you lie, to the end of your days, imagining what you could do with all those wishes.
I wish I was an IT professional with a job as such.
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Granted. Unfortunately, the supply of IT professionals has outpaced demand and so you have to work for $7 an hour, no benefits, and you are on-call 24/7.
I wish I knew what book to buy with my Borders gift card (after pre-ordering Mistborn).
-
You buy every edition of CosmoGIRL.
I wish that I had a computer that could run Battle for Middle Earth 2 in all it's glory.
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You do, but you also find out its sentiant and it can take over every nuclear silo in the world. In the process of running middle earth i decided the only legit way to stop you from winning is to kill you. Now you and your home are a smoking crater.
I wish I'd saved more on my insurence by switching to geico.
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You do save money on you insurance by switching to GIECO, but then you get into a car accident and the green lizard refuses to pay for any of you claims.
I wish I had a few thousand of dollars to blow on the stock market.
-
and that's exactly what they do.
I wish that I had a chunk of clear titanium.
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You do, but then it blows up in your face and kills you (quantum physics; gets em everytime). And your dog. And your apple.
I wish that my homework was done, or at least that our other computer was working so that all the people (four out of six) who need it for homework could do it twice as fast (that would be four hours instead of eight).
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Your homework is magically completed, but your grades all come back with C's which without fail lowers your GPA beyond recovery. :o
I wish I was married to Christina Ricci and we lived in classy condo in New York City. ;)
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That is not listed under the possible effects of the wish spell. So uh, you like get teleported to this nice condo in New York, but the Adams are over and Lurch rips your arms off so Thing has something to play with. Huh??
I wish I was only joking...
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You are. As in, that is all you can do. Then there really are wolves, and nobody believes you, and all the sheep are killed, so you don't have any cotton to sell.
I wish for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace.
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That's like totally not under the possible choices of the wish spell, which means as the DM I like get to do weird stuff, right? So uh, like all the kids are singing prayers to this dude called Captain Peace Marvel and a vampire chick Harmony Kendall.
And so like all the children turn into these vampire pirates in search of the Soul Calibur. Civilization as we know it crumbles, and in the new post-apocalyptic world, humans become slaves to these new vampire overlords known as the Nobility.
It is only a matter of time before factions of D&D players hook up with the new hot goth vamp chicks and produce dhampir offspring. This leads to the inevitable fall of the Nobility and hot vamp chicks, which in turn leads D&D becoming a holy text of the church, which in turn leads to it being stripped of all the things that made it good (leaving only lame crossovers such as d20 Monopoly, d20 Shoots and Ladders, and the ever-popular d20 Candyland). Rules Lawyers become the new prophets and OD&D players are executed on site.
I wish God was listening to this.... ;D
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He is. He decides to give you his job responsibilities, but without the compesentory power.
I wish I could find an inteligent liberal.
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I just wish you weren't so insulting. ANd that Eagle would stop resortig to D&D wish spell references.
-
But I get one of the hot goth vamp chicks, right? 'Cause, you know it was my wish that created them.
You do find an intelligent liberal. And she's drop-dead gorgeous. Everything you ever wanted in a woman. Sadly, she refuses to put up with your staunch conservatism, and for the rest of your life you wonder what could have been.
I wish for revenge against my enemies. They should die like pigs in Hell.
-
Your revenge is bittersweet however when you discover that pigs in Hell are actually well fed, and well taken care of creatures beloved by the universe because of this care they live forever in a bizarre kind of elysian afterlife. In fact everything seems to go right for them. You discover this when you go to hell and are sentenced to taking care of them by Satan himself who flays you daily for any mistakes.
Your enemies, taking their cues from the pigs become immortal.
I wish people made better wishes.
-
Granted, people make better wishes. In fact, the quality of wishes have been increasing steadily by 0.2% on average since 1791. It was in 1791 that depressed boy in Syria first wished that the people made better wishes. This was after boy's sister found a genie granting her 3 wishes. It's not known what the sister of the boy wished for, but we suspect the wishes involved a diary rumored to blind anyone who tried reading it.
I wish were paid to go to school full-time for the next several years.
-
You receive a federal grant which allows you to go to an attack dog training school. You're the one on whom the dogs are training.
I wish I lived in a yellow submarine, with my friends all aboard.
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I wish I lived in a yellow submarine, with my friends all aboard.
You do, but the Soviets wont let you defect, and told the US Navy that you intend to launch your nukes at the USA. Now everybody hates you.
I wish adult swim lasted longer.