Thanks for your responses, guys.
To be fair, I did kind of know the beginning of this scene needs a lot of tightening. Sorry for inflicting that on you. I haven't really had time to fix it in revision yet.
Interesting comments on Medora (and I mean that in the value-neutral way of "interesting"). It'll need some smoothing, and I think I've figured out how to do it. Should be easier to do in revision. As I'm reading the first part of the scene now, it feels a little like I went and hit every little bullet point, because I wanted to get a feel for her. I don't have to do that.
Once we get to the statue things roll along smoother. I agree with all of you on that point.
I'm most pleased with how the world has been received so far. I like it and I think you will, too. The magic is one of the things that got me excited to write this book in the first place. But, just wait a while for the Official Explanation™. Until that point, I will ease you in nice and slowly.
Many of the other things you will see as we progress. Let me know if you feel information isn't being revealed in the right order, of course.
A few select comments:
Mostly I like Medora's character; she knows she has to act and wants to, but is wracked with doubts and nightmares, so much so that she's even addicted to a drug. Interesting choice that, I'm wondering what (aside from the obvious) the effects of tranquil are, how addictive it is, what the downsides are, what the lows are and what the withdrawal symptoms are. I also wonder if her ill conceived attack had something to do with her drug dependency - so far it can go either way. Having a character deal with a drug problem can make for an interesting read, I don't think it happens much in fantasy.
I'm glad you're liking that so far.
I'm guessing Devos is God or something close to it. It's interesting how Medora knows God by name and has apparant proof of his existance, yet also seems to wonder exactly *what* he is. Perhaps I'm reading too much into the "God, whatever He was" part that happened near the start.
Devos is indeed the name of God. As for the other things in here, I may have revealed it wrong here. Read on and let me know.
I like how Medora has seen into her past life and knows she deserves punishment. That's not something I've seen in a reincarnation related story before.
Thanks! That's good. We will see much more of this. I want to tell you so much about it, but I should probably be vague here.
Does Sanctuary have some sort of artifical and/or magical sun that shines all the time? Reminds me of the anime Letter Bee.
This I will answer definitively: No. The sun sets just like on Earth. Something else is going on.
I hesitate when I see the scene where Medora runs out of the restaurant to die. I imagine that she has a lot of character development ahead of her, but she's already made one impulsive decision and started a riot which has cost tons of lives. Now she makes another impulsive decision right afterwards and causes Saril to rush out to save her (killing the people around her). I know she's probably going to change, but be careful about making her too unlikable at the start. I'll reserve judgement until I see what happens in the following chapters.
Let me know if she becomes too unlikable for you to continue reading. See, in my mind, I understand exactly why she did it, and it makes me actually like her more, in a weird roundabout way. So I'm pleased with it, on the core level, but I definitely want to you know if you have an extreme negative reaction to her.
I don't have much to add here. I enjoy stories with a bit of a learning curve, and your world seems to have it. You've mentioned, without a great deal of explanation, Cerebrance, Suggestions (which may or may not be Cerebrance), Gemswords and possibly other sapphire-related magic, the Demon Cloud, the Sanctuary, an issue with sunlight that might go beyond mere white/black racism, and the concept of god. I like all that, even though it's a lot to consider. There's also the matter of the medora's history AND her past life.
Could you clarify this for me, please? I think I know what you mean, but I want to be certain.
The gemsword bit – and you describe it – runs dangerously close to Sanderson's Shardblades. I don't think i need to tell you that. Part of it might just be how it's described, however, and if they function a lot differently than you should make that apparent as soon as possible.
Hmmm, as I reread I can kind of see how you see that, with their cutting power. It is indeed difficult to make special swords of any variety without being compared to lightsabers or, now, Shardblades. I need to slightly alter how I describe it. I think my original conception was that Medora did not understand how they work, but she'd probably have a bit more knowledge about gemswords, given her time with Saril. At least from a mechanical standpoint, gemswords operate different from Shardblades, but as I'm reading it again, practically speaking they both stab and kill stuff. Oops.
I'll say that a large part of a gemsword's strength is not a mystical thing, like Shardblades, but a function of sapphire's hardness. It is a much harder material than steel, so that makes them more deadly weapons. There is more to it, but that is the simplest explanation.
The blade is not the only reason why Saril is dangerous.
Thanks guys! Um, I need to critique some of your stuff. This week has gotten away from me. But really, thanks for spending some time in the Sanctuary with me.