Timewaster's Guide Archive

SilknSnow: Now that you mention it, I read Animorphs back in the day too, but I didn't even remember that they did that until you mentioned it. Which is usually how my bouts of 'creativity' go... Aw, well. I really don't know if there is a better way to do it at this point. I mean, in Eragon he just uses the italics and lets you figure it out, but that is a little annoying to me too...

Actually you and Chaos are both right. I hope you'll be able to see this as time goes on.

Thanks, I am working on bringing those conflicts out more. And the King will be explored, just not yet which is why I said it was okay for M to discount him as less than warm and fuzzy for now.

Who do I want to read it? That's a good question. Anyone that will I guess.... It's not especially dark or complicated, so probably a bit younger audience (or at least the more casual reader) than the usual Forgotten Realms crowd. And don't worry. No dice were used in the making of this book.

Guilt mostly. Just like Garrad, the elves blame themselves for the drow. Why? Now that is exactly the question I intend to carry through to the climax, so I won't get into that now. I tried to show that Garrad was sympathetic to his people, just not the elves because of the drow. Unfortunately, he is not a big enough character for me to spend much more time on his inner psyche at the moment, but the book is still young and there are many things to be explained.

Others might be surprised to see a dragonet (They are pretty exclusive about their companions, who they 'talk' to and he was hiding in the rafters at first for a reason) but the ones that are with Garrad are used to seeing Vernack, and they are used to Garrad being a bit mad about talking to him (Garrad wouldn't have done that in public either if he hadn't been so upset). The elves might have been a bit more surprised, but I kind of saw that as the least of their concerns at the moment....

Wow, you're like right in the middle. Later on, I tell you right out (in a coversation w/ another character) that Tayvin is  the elven equivalent 19 and Drynn is 15. Sweet.

Don't worry. Chaos already thoroughly smacked me around for the tags and I am repenting as we speak.

I will also look at the individual lines you mentioned again. Some of them I hope will make more sense as time goes on (like what happened in the final battle that made it conclusively over and why Garrad and a lot of the other humans were sitting at home instead of fighting... though mostly I used the line to show the elves' desire to get past all their previous conflict; a sentiment Garrad obviously doesn't share), but if your confused to the point of irritation, that will have to be addressed.

Oh, and Drynn really hasn't adjusted. He just is not a big reactor (like his brother is) and takes a bit longer for him to process it. The second chapter starts without a real time break and hopefully you will see this more (hazard of chapters being broken up like this).

Spejoku: They know that Vernack exists...not the powers. And they are a bit detached from them (elevated stands is all I said, but what I meant is that they are kind of in a balcony area) so they can watch, but are not really close enough to join into such a short (and one sided) conversation. I will look at the draining part again... I was just worried about being too detailed because this is another thing I will be exploring later. And I'm working on 'showing' Drynn more too (it's kinda nice when you guys all agree on something ).

Thank you so much! You guys are great!

Here we go with the dreaded frog critique:

I really liked your first person narration, but by the end it was a bit...overwhelming? If that makes since. I just wanted a few more concrete details rather then all judgments just so I can make a few judgments of my own and really trust the narrator to tell the whole story.  No one wants to be that far in someone else's head. And some of the judgments, we simply don't need. Like if your going to say in the dialog that Jared thinks they are going party crashing, we don't need it in the narration before hand. And please try to avoid directly addressing the reader, especially twice in a row with the same phrase ("don't ask"... Of course I won't ask. He really isn't there to ask!). So I would tone that down a bit.

I understand that Jared is young, but how old is Trohs?  All that 'pleasant' dialog before he decides to kill him (Jared obviously isn't so imitated by him that he can't have an Q&A session with him), and then his tantrum at the end...He just seemed a bit too immature to be the real threat. Maybe a flunky that loves to play the bully. But if that is what your looking for, good.

In the same token, I'm a sucker for good dialog and yours was good (just watch the slang like someone else already said).

Another thing that confused me a bit: It seemed like there was a clear transition between his new hearing and his new smell, when I think they would all be coming at once. I mean, it may be a bit harder to write about that way, but you can't exactly say, 'hey nose, turn off a sec while I play with my new ears...okay got that. New nose, go!' This was especially hard because it seemed like not only did my narrator do it, but so did his brother in his explanations, like he already knew the hearing would be the first thing to be explored...weird.

So that's it from me. I liked it. I want more and a little annoyed that I had to start in the middle...grr...

Yeah, it would have been helpful for those of us that missed the first round...and I don't think it would be that hard to do, based on my own chapters. I'm all for it.

Hmm….well it was interesting, and you have a good writing style (really liked the banter at the beginning), but to be honest this would not hook me at all. I mean, Daheal is obviously an assassin, (a pretty low point to start out from in my opinion) and I haven’t seen any qualities that redeem him, so I’m not too interested in what happens to him next (besides maybe some just desserts). You said that this is not your MC, and if this was a book, I probably would keep reading at this point just to see where you take it from here, but the next section would have to be good to keep me going after that. But that could just be me. I know some darker fantasy readers that would probably tell you otherwise.
Oh and one nitpicky thing I just noticed; “He went back upstairs to then returned a minute later carrying some papers,” needs some revision. Good luck 

Me neither...

Thanks everyone! (except for you Monsta. You're still a punk.  )

Okay, first off I liked it. It got my attention and I would definitely keep reading so good job. Here are a few things to think about though...
I know the first few paragraphs are supposed to be your attention getter, but to be honest all it did was confuse me until I reached the end and read them again. I might suggest starting right off with the scene instead of putting us in flashback mode (with The final... or even with the dialog and work everything else in as you go) .
A few of the individual sentences could use some tightening up. Like this one: "His experience so far at Y.I.K had been surreal yet up until this moment none of it had been authentic."  If its surreal, then it is implied that its not authentic. Good words, but don't use both.
I know this is the second round for some of you so humor me...are we supposed to know what the Y.I.K. is and what they do at this point? If not, I wouldn't hide at least some of the details for much longer. I think it would just get annoying rather than suspenseful if you do.
Great ending line. Don't touch it.
That's it from me. Good Luck.

Okay here we go. Like I said in the email, my submission ran a bit long, but I really wanted to get to the first chapter because I think it probably needs more work than the prologue, so feel free to only critique that part of it. And if you have time to read them both, then I'll love you even move. Thank you!