Corrupt a wish foundation.

[Mad Dr Jeffe]

you have it, but you raised the cow as a pet from childhood, you even trained it to fetch and beg you loved that cow. Each tasty bite of rare succulent flesh breaks your heart.

I wish I were an oscar meyer wiener.

[Archon]

You are a poisoned Oscar Meyer wiener. Nobody loves you. As a matter of fact, you just killed a man.

I wish I could go back in time, and relive the best parts of my life over again.

[fuzzyoctopus]

You get to go back in time to relive the best parts of your life over again, but with your knowledge of the future, you inadvertantly change the past and turn all of your best experiences into the worst experiences of your life.

I wish I had a pair of comfortable slippers.

[Brenna]

You have a comfortable pair of slippers--that would only fit someone as big as Hagrid.

I wish I had a box full of dark chocolate.

[fuzzyoctopus]

You're pregnant again and the mere sight of that box of chocolate makes you throw up.

I wish I had a pair of carnivorous curtains.

[Archon]

The carnivourous curtains devour your parents when they come to visit, and then spits out their bones, leaving stains on the carpet.

I wish teachers wouldn't assign so much homework.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

They don't assign the homework, but it turns out that the next batch of homework was actually going to teach you something. Having missed the homework, you fail all your standardized tests and finals, never get a job, and to support yourself have to grow nipples all over your body for a bizarre medical group that then harvests the nipples and sells them to plastic surgeons.

I wish I could play guitar like a superhuman hybrid of Jimi Hendrix, Mark Whitfield, and Sonny Sharrock.

[Mad Dr Jeffe]

You can but the records you make get bundled with free aol software, so no one listens to them.

I wish TWG would become a media empire.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

they do, then becoming the leading members of the RIAA and MPAA and develop initiatives and software that effectively prevent all file sharing, even legally purchased downloads.

I wish I would get off my butt and get something done.

[Nessa]

You do get off your butt, then realize that all the lazying around you've done for the past few weeks (including not commenting on my story like you promised) that you've gained about 10 pounds.

I wish to find a house today while we're in Utah County that we love so much that we put a contract on it.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

You get your wish, but have you ever seen The Money Pit? Nuff said.

My wish is that I *only* gained 10 pounds during this lazing about.

[Skar]

You put a contract on a house but it puts one out on you as well and, since the house is much better connected than you, you die in a mysterious accident involving natural gas and an exploding house before your contract on the house can be fulfilled.

I wish I had a job as an IT person.

[Skar]

You only gained ten pounds but it's all in your ankles.

I wish my yard were self-maintaining.

[fuzzyoctopus]

Your yard is self-maintaining, but the only things that will grow in it are imaginary pun-based plants from Piers Anthony's Xanth books.

I wish I had more bookshelves.

[Mad Dr Jeffe]

you have more bookshelves, but they are living beings who survive by occasionally eating your books, usually the ones you want to read at a given time.

I wish Texas wasn't part of the United States.