Advice

[Mistress of Darkness]

Dear Dr. Watson,

What an astounding observation.

-Sherlock

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Sherlock:

I think you have the wrong column. I'm Dr. SaintEhlers, not Dr. Watson.
But then, what do you know? You're just bitter about being a girl.

-Dr. SE

[42]

Dear Dr. SaintEhlers:

I've have been arranging to sell my roommate into slavery because he doesn't match the silverware. The slavetrader and I reached amiable price for my roommate of $3.52.

So all was going well until the slavetrader informed me that he wasn't going to pay for gas for the drive to Mexico. Now, the slavetrader says that because he is covering cost of covering up the disappearance of my roomate, laundering the money, and the cost of finding a low profile buyer that I should foot the bill for gas.

I think that this is unfair. First of all, my roommate is really detached from the world and isn't really invested in people. Who's going to miss him? So because of the low cost of covering up his disappearance, I think the slavetrader should cover the cost of gas.

What do you think SE?

Sincerely,
Out of gas money.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Gas Money:

I think you should have held out for $3.53. Even the fat alone in any human is worth that.
Unless your roommate isnt' human. than you probably should just take what you can get. He may be an alien in "sleep mode" that will need to eat you when activated. So get rid of him anyway you can.

And next time, when you buy a roommate, make sure he matches the silverware AND the china AND the crystal. I thought this was basic stuff that no one needed to be reminded of. Sheesh.

-Dr. SE

Dear Climber:

I've been thinking about your problem, and I think I've left you with insufficient counsel.

There are a broad range of careers available for the mentally unstable that you can choose from. Anything as benign as a Boy Scout troop leader to something as willfully socially destructive as a movie critic. And let's not forget Web site designer.

Be sure to acknowledge all the possibilities for your instability. The local child day care center may be looking for someone just like you!

-Dr. SE

[Tage]

Dear Dr. SE,

My coworker keeps trying to set me up with his sister, even though he's told me before that she's spoiled. I haven't seen a picture of her, either, so I don't know if she's cute or not. Should I go out on a limb and go out with my coworker's sister anyway?

Wondering,
Only Slightly Desperate

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear So-incredibly-desperate-that-he'll-even-accept-advice-from-Dr.-SÉ:

Run! Do NOT Walk! Get away from this situation! Blind dates are evil, even when they're described as "sweet" or "nice," (we all know what those words REALLY mean). But if she's described as "spoiled" and he refuses to show you a picture, well, I can't begin to imagine what that says about her.

However, if you decide to ignore me and go on this date anyway, for a nominal fee I can have my ninja assassin priests follow you and if you need to abort the operation, they can either a: kill your date (preferred), b: stage your own abduction (they might forget it's staged and hold you for ransom). Really, I'm willing to do this for you, because you are a friend.

-Dr. SÉ

[42]

Dear SaintEhlers:

I wasn't sure who to approach about my friend's problem. At first I just tried to ignore the problem, but my friend just keeps getting worse and worse. See my friend has an addiction. I knew he had experimented once or twice but I didn't think he had been hooked. Then one day I noticed that my friend was limbing. I cam to notice that he had replaced his right leg with a cinder-block. My friend has become addicted to cannibalism.

I just don't know how to break it to him. I knew he once had scarfed down an intern at the company party last year, but I thought that just one try wouldn't have gotten him hooked. Now I find out that he has been eating telemarketers for the past several months. Inbetween fixed he has resorted to nibbling on his toes and nuckles. As you can see he has a problem.

What should I do SE?

Sincerely,
A concerned friend

[Lieutenant Kije]

Dear Dr. SaintEhlers,

A friend of mine had this question and wanted me to ask it for him.  So here goes.  My friend says, "I know someone who likes to give advice to people.  He has a troupe of ninja assassin priests to carry out his bidding.  How much would it cost to bribe his ninjas to betray him and stab him in the back?  Just curious."  If you could help my friend out, he'd really appreciate it.  Thanks!

Best wishes,

Lieutenant Kije

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Concerned:

You are right to be worried. You need to confront your friend right away (preferably from behind a steal cage where he can't bite you). Make sure he understands the dangers of auto-cannibalism. This will be a sad loss to the world, as someone who willingly eats telemarketers is a great boon to the world. We can't lose this valuable resource, so take care of this now.

I recommend putting castor oil or something suitably gross on his digits to help train him. They have this stuff that helps you stop biting your nails. That's another good idea. BUT STOP HIM NOW!

-Dr. SÉ


Dear friend:

Ninjas don't take bribes, it would be an act without honor.

However, you can expect a knock on your door soon from some of my Ninja assassin priests who want to discuss this plan with you.

Don't worry, THEY know who you really are.

-Dr. SÉ

[Lieutenant Kije]

Dear Dr. SaintEhlers,

Some ninja assassin priests just arrived at my front door wanting to "educate" me.  I distracted them with a game of Jenga, and am now about to serve some snacks as they are getting the munchies.  What do you suggest: crunchy or puffy Cheetos?

Sincerely,

Host Kije

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Host:

A ninja can kill a man at 30 paces with a crunchy cheeto. the puffy ones don't fly nearly so far. That is your prime consideration.

I'd be more worried about what will happen if you lose the game of jenga. ninja are notoriously prone to committing sepuku when they lose at Jenga, as they feel it is an affront to their honor. However, if you lose, you'll have a no longer distracted ninja who thinks his honor is in tact.

-Dr SÉ

[JP Dogberry]

Dear Dr. SE.

I aspire to be a Cardboard Tube Samurai. However, I find that my tube gets cut clean in two whenever I try to parry a blow from a Katana, and ineveitably I lose some brain matter in the event. How can I harden my Tube to the point of it being a lethal cutting weapon, like in the comics? Also, how do I learn to do all those cool moves, such as "Flight from Danger" "Path through Oblivion" and the Matrix walk?

-A CTS in training.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear P-A Fanboy:

Make your cardboard tubes out of steal

Or else only challenge cartoon characters to duels instead of real samurai.

OR

You can hire my elite force of Ninja assassin priests to soften up the samurai first.

-Dr. SÉ

[stacer]

Dear Dr. SE,

Just how soon should a girl let someone hold her hand? The other day I was really cold and a strange man offered to "warm them up" for me, Miagi-style. I felt a little uncomfortable with this and put on gloves instead. Did I do the right thing?

Sincerely,

Cold hands, cold heart

[JP Dogberry]

Dear Dr. SE,

There's a girl I know form school, and I have her MSN name, and she frequents a forum I built for all the people in the year. If I see her come on MSN Messanger, then instantly head over to the forum and read every post she makes it as soon as she makes it, does it count as stalking? Also, when she signed up, she included in her message "May the Force be with you." I made her forum title a surprisingly fitting "Princess Leia Organa". She wants it changed to something more normal. Given that she is more fun to tease than even MoD, should I entertain her request, or continue to tease her for my own amusement.

Bored Cyberian