Advice

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Now it's time for Ask Dr. SaintEhlers.

Basically, I got tired of sites like Critical Miss and Joe the Circle having their own sociopathic advice columnists (Dr. Bubba and Dr. Joe, respectively), when we are so clearly deprived of such a feature. So I'm opening my door and my heart (no, really, just the door, if you think I'm going to be senstive and help you with a real problem than your issues are even bigger than you think).

So, the psychiatrist is "in." Ask me your questions, and I'll give you a wise-arse response.

[Mad Dr Jeffe]

Dr. SaintEhlers
Im a 20 something married guy who's looking for the ultimate christmas present for my wife. Should I go out and buy the Indy Trilogy, a new copy of D&D3.5 or Season tickets to the Capitals?
Sincerely
Some people call me a space cowboy

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear 20-something married guy (i'm not one of those people who calls you a space cowboy):

Go for the DVDs. You'll enjoy them most. And that's how you should always buy presents for people you live with. Why do you think that my wife got a load of comic books for our anniversary?

[Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock]

Dear Mr. SaintEhlers,

My friend plays FFXI like its some kind of job. I personally hate the thing, and all its kin. Is there anyway to get him to stop without killing him, or paralyzing?

Yours mostly truely,
That guy at the end of the bank line.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear banking customer,

There are several problems with your question. First, you seem to think that killing or paralyzing him is a bad thing. my ninjas can re-educate you by example on that point. Second, I think you're just jealous. Go get your own video-crack whiney boy.

-Dr. SE

[JP Dogberry]

Dear Mr. Ehlers,

Nobody likes me. Everybody hates me, even my friends. How can I get Alyssa Milano to go out with me?

A Nerdy, no-hoper whose just finished school.

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear No-Hoper:

Give up on it. You suck.

But if you refuse to take the best advice I can give, try this:
Be a more successful actor than her. This shouldn't be hard, as she sucks too. Unfortunately, she looks better than you do, so you'll have to compete with that.

Also, have you tried money?

No, I mean giving money to me. She might be impressed with your generosity and consent to a dinner date, or perhaps just coffee.

If she is not suitably impressed, I will send my ninja assassin priests to have a "discussion" with her. At the end of this discussion, either she will like you or she will send me money too. Either way we all win.

-Dr. SE

[Gemm: Rock & Roll Star; Born to Rock]

Dear Dr. SE,

I have a foreloaned car payment to make. How many licks will it take to not have to pay it? Or better put, how long can I get away with not paying it? And can you send those ninjas to help me get a nicer car too?

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Sorry, Dr. SE only takes questions that make sense.

And frankly, the thought of you behind the wheel even terrifies my ninjas.

But if you need help, call the mafia.

-Dr. SE

[stacer]

Dear Dr. SE:

My apartment has recently been terrorized by a woman-eating mouse. Do your ninjas do pest control?

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Damsel in Distress,

Mouse killing is without honor, and ninjas cannot do it.

when I was single, I would tilt at windmills and even scale imaginary towers for damsels in distress. But now that I am married I am informed that, on threat of my bodily health, I darn well better confine my damsel-in-distress-saving adventures to one particular damsel. Sorry, you're going to have to find another sucker.
Try Gemm. He's a sucker

-Dr. SE

[42]

Dear Dr. SaintEhlers:

I am a mental patient who is recently contemplating a career change. Currently, I work as hobo. While there is nothing wrong with being a hobo, I fell like I should do more with my life.

My career counselor advised me to persue some other occupations for the mentally ill. My counselor thinks I would excel at either being either serial killer or a cult leader. Both sound like exciting occupations. I just can't make up my mind. If I were a cult leader I feel that I would do great leading followers in strange rituals and I just love a good suicide pact. However, I think I would enjoy the intimacy of being a serial killer.

SE, if you could please advise me in which occupation you feel would be best for me and where I might get training to start my new career.

Gleefully,
Corporate Climber

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Climber:

The surest sign of your insanity is that you are willing to listen to the advice some so-called "career counselor" who obviously doesn't know what he's talking about. He is trying to turn you from the path of the hobo, which is a path of honor and virtue.

But that's beside the point. Dont' you realize you can combine these careers? No one suspects the hobo of being the serial killer. At least, not anymore. Serial Killers need places to store victims or trophies. Hobos don't have that! So you can do that longer! Plus you could really motivate those other hobos into strange and weird practices! You'd be a demagogue of hobory. this, I feel is your true calling.

Just make sure that you stay away from my dog, you sick, sick man.

-Dr. SE

[Mistress of Darkness]

Dear Dr. SE,

Where do you come off? Who konked you on the head so you think that you're some sort of deity?

-HYGAL (Hoping you get a life)

[The Holy Saint, Grand High Poobah, Master of Monkeys, Ehlers]

Dear Gal:

What do you know? You're a girl.

-Dr. SE