Hum.
Let's start with praise. Baltier is a cool name, and he
seems like an interesting dude. Most of the description is quite compelling, it worked well. Setting wise, I see the king is still immortal, or at least that's what the priests want everyone to believe. Is the king going to be a viewpoint character?
I liked it all right. It read quickly and easily, which is always a plus. I agree with Frog that the middle scene could be extended a bit. But as a whole, it was good, with one major quibble:
I don't know Baltier.
We're hinted that he's done some really bad things, but I can't venture to what those things are. I don't know much about his personality except that he's a hard person. Though, there's some hints that he has some good in him, with the way that he acts towards the waif. The way he says "And I'm a very light sleeper" gives the impression like "Don't mess with them, or I'll kick your ass." I don't know if this is the correct impression, because it could be exactly the opposite. The point is, I want to see dimension to Baltier. I feel I don't
know him well enough and his facets. All I'm seeing is a single conflict, really. I want something more. So, you haven't captivated me yet with him. I want to feel utterly grounded in the characters, and instead, I'm slightly perplexed. Maybe that's what you want, I suppose.
I'm just saying, I'm more interested about the king's conflict with Asharia than Baltier. Perhaps if I was grounded in Baltier more effectively, you wouldn't have to use a flashback. I don't know
I'll wait until I see more. You can get closer to the character, I think.
There's a couple of line things, but this made me think "what": How exactly does one stand on top of a moving cart? (Much less Baltier know it's a dark-robed man) Is the priest some kind of Bruce Willis here?
It's solid. I await more!