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8/7/11 - Chaos - Rebirth, Chapter One

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Chaos:
I'm at last back from a long hiatus. I'm eager to finally submit again, as well as critique. I should be more active in the future.

Here's the first chapter of the book. If anyone read the old, 2009 draft, I apologize. This is a much stronger scene, and for the most part I am pleased with how it turned out. A few minor things are annoying me (like Saril's dialogue), but that's okay. We'll see how you like it.

I don't know what else to say. I ought to sell the book to you, but I would much rather see if you like it without me telling you what to expect, because I'm sneaky that way. I hope you enjoy!

Asmodemon:
Well, welcome back to the action, so to speak ;)

I remember some of the previous version of Rebirth, which started Medora's story line a lot slower. I'm glad that isn't the case, the moment she went into action and the subsequent fallout made for a strong start.

The first sentence also managed to grab my attention, making me wonder why she would think that, who her father was and why he should've killed her. The next paragraph though made me pause, there's a disconnect between it and the first sentence. There's also no follow through later about why she wonders why her father let her live. Yes, her father killed everyone else, but why should it be surprising that he let his daughter live? She's his daughter after all.

Mostly I like Medora's character; she knows she has to act and wants to, but is wracked with doubts and nightmares, so much so that she's even addicted to a drug. Interesting choice that, I'm wondering what (aside from the obvious) the effects of tranquil are, how addictive it is, what the downsides are, what the lows are and what the withdrawal symptoms are. I also wonder if her ill conceived attack had something to do with her drug dependency - so far it can go either way. Having a character deal with a drug problem can make for an interesting read, I don't think it happens much in fantasy.

What I liked less was that after a while the pattern of Medora seeing something, then feeling sorry for herself, seeing something else, feeling sorry again, etc, makes the first part of the chapter a little tedious. During pages two and three I lost sight of the fact that Medora and her entourage were walking through the crowds. Until I read that they marched I thought they were still waiting on the steps of the station. While she's thinking about how bad her life is the jeering crowds are still all around her, I'm guessing pressed against her bodyguards as they move through the crowd. That situation should frighten most people, but despite the fact that she's jumpy without her tranquil drug she's quite calm while feeling sorry for herself.

Another issue with Medora is that she seems like two different characters in one, thinking and doing different things. She wants to appear strong in front of the crowd, but at the same time she hides her features within the hood of her cloak. She's a consular, which I gather is a political figure, but she can't make speeches and fears standing in front of a crowd (granted the crowd wants her head, but still...if she's a politician she should at least be able to handle that much). When she says something like 'that's just...retaining the First Ministership’, that's something a politician would say, but when she speaks to Haiden the first words out of her mouth are those of a petulant child.

Which reminds me, as such a hated figure how can she have a political career with such clout that she is allowed to speak after the current leader and his expected successor have had their turns? Her father may have been emperor, but after his murder she's nothing but a reminder of those days.  A reminder no one wants to have around.

In all though I liked the chapter, looking forward to seeing where you're going to take this.

Amnonian:
Your world sounds very interesting. Specifically the part where she says she had seen into her past life makes me want to learn more about the world and the setting. Also the gemswords and the storm.
I felt there was a bit too much description of the scenery in the beggining with too little happening.
The relationship between Medora and Saril feels real and interesting. Their coversations are strong and well-made.
The last two paragraphs were powerful. Now I want to read the next chapter.  ;D

Mad_Scientist:
I read the chapter once, to get a feel for it, and now I'm reading it a second time with a more critical mindset and writing out my thoughts as I do. Here they are.



Nice first sentence. Not much else to say, it grabs the reader, or at least it grabs me. It does seem a bit disconnected from the rest of the chapter, though.

When I first read the following paragraph, I somehow missed that she got off a train, and was surprised when trains were mentioned later. Anyways, it seems we have trains and guns, which means this world is a bit more advanced technology-wise than those in a lot of fantasy novels I have read. Makes me curious about the rest of the technology.

Medora thinks "she had to move forward, for she needed the political gain, too." But it's later shown that what she has on her mind is certainly not political gain. She expects to die.

I'm guessing Devos is God or something close to it. It's interesting how Medora knows God by name and has apparant proof of his existance, yet also seems to wonder exactly *what* he is. Perhaps I'm reading too much into the "God, whatever He was" part that happened near the start.

I like how Medora has seen into her past life and knows she deserves punishment. That's not something I've seen in a reincarnation related story before.

Does Sanctuary have some sort of artifical and/or magical sun that shines all the time? Reminds me of the anime Letter Bee.

Here we have her thinking about the possibility of becoming First Minister. Like with her thought about political gain, I have to wonder about this considering the actions she takes.

I like some of the interactions between Medora and Saril. Especially his comment about how disturbing it was to see her be optimstic. Though it is a bit unfair when he later criticises her for essentially being pessimistic about Thane's chances of retaining his position.

Another mention of lions. Lot's of questions now. Why are lions important? What the heck is that Demon Cloud, really? What is up with that sun? What exactly is Medora's position in the current political situation? What's a Cerebrant? How's Medora's drug addiction going to play out? Well, it's chapter 1, so questions are to be expected. You've made me curious to know the answers to those questions, so that's a good thing.

Nice job starting a riot there, Medora.  :P

Ok Saril. I understand him not wanting to fire guns and cause another massacre, but once he's wading into the crowd gemsword in hand, he might as well. That gemsword seems in many ways more deadly than a gun.
 
I hesitate when I see the scene where Medora runs out of the restaurant to die. I imagine that she has a lot of character development ahead of her, but she's already made one impulsive decision and started a riot which has cost tons of lives. Now she makes another impulsive decision right afterwards and causes Saril to rush out to save her (killing the people around her). I know she's probably going to change, but be careful about making her too unlikable at the start. I'll reserve judgement until I see what happens in the following chapters.

Like the ending, has a nice ominious feel to it and makes me want to read me.

Overall, I like it. Gets me interested in the setting and characters, and makes me want to read more. The main criticisms I have is that Medoara seems a bit inconsitant in her thoughts, and Saril his actions, and that Medora comes off as maybe a bit too impulsive and unlikable as a result.

Will777r:
I'll try not repeat what others have said too much.

I like the opening hook - It definitely creates some tension. The real trick is to maintain that tension or ramp it up even higher in the following pages. I thought you eventually did that with the revelation she was carrying a knife (what does she plan to do with it, etc). But in between, there was a lot of description that slowed it down for me. I found myself skimming over that a bit.

Once we get to the statue, I thought the story moved really well - Everything from that point on was crucial and drew me in.

I was a little disappointed when Saril stopped her. It would seem to me that he wouldn't let it get that far if he was alert enough to catch her. The consequences of her actions are pretty bad, enough to do something before that point.

Medora worked for me, although she came off a little emo heh. Her actions made sense, although I agree with the comments made by someone else that her aspirations to become a leader don't make sense in light of what she plans to do.

Your world sounds very cool. There were lots of questions in my mind as I read - things I would want to find out about later on.

Good start :)

Will777r

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