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2011 Jul 18 - cjhuitt - Second Son Chapter 2

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cjhuitt:
Second Son Chapter 2 (Mild Adult Situations)

In this chapter we meet Sancha and learn a little about her job.

In Chapter 1, Miki was summoned to join his family in meeting the Antuskian ambassador, who proposed an betrothal between his older brother Promhail and a princess of their land.

hubay:
I don't think I really commented on the last chapter; everyone covered what I wanted to say. You have very smooth, flowing prose, which I enjoy. The only hiccups occur in your POV thoughts/reflections, which sometimes feel a little clumsy. They don't just flow quite as well as the rest of the writing. But really, its all enjoyable to read. the bit where she realized she enjoyed kissing him was well done.

Almost instantly I liked her character more than the boys. I'm not quite sure why, but if I had to guess I think it's because she's so much more capable than he is. Miki, though still enjoyable to read, wasn't in a position of power – the entire time he's forced to be at everyone else's beck and call. Even though Sancha is working under several people, you see that she's quite good at it – even if her tutors are strict – and she has strong drive and ambition. These all make her very likable. Miki, though, just seemed like a goofball chafing under his teachers because he's young and wants to go sailing. At two chapters, of course, it's bad to make these kind of judgements, but readers will too so you should make sure he's just as likeable as she is.

I also like the small bits of the world you've shown us, and I'd like to know more about it. It's clearly a secondary world fiction, but I have to ask if it has any magic. Right now it reads like a K.J. parker novel, not in voice but certainly in setting – that is, it doesn't have magic but societies might have evolved a little different than ours so there's still room to experiment in worldbuilding. That's perfectly fine, and I've always enjoyed Parker's novels. But if you DO have magic – and I'm only saying this because it's secondary world fiction – than we should have seen it by now. Even if it's a very small magic, you should let us know it's there through conversations or rumors or legends, so readers know what they're getting into.

cjhuitt:
hubay, thank you for the compliments.


--- Quote from: hubay on July 19, 2011, 10:28:50 PM ---Almost instantly I liked her character more than the boys. I'm not quite sure why, but if I had to guess I think it's because she's so much more capable than he is. Miki, though still enjoyable to read, wasn't in a position of power – the entire time he's forced to be at everyone else's beck and call. Even though Sancha is working under several people, you see that she's quite good at it – even if her tutors are strict – and she has strong drive and ambition. These all make her very likable. Miki, though, just seemed like a goofball chafing under his teachers because he's young and wants to go sailing. At two chapters, of course, it's bad to make these kind of judgements, but readers will too so you should make sure he's just as likeable as she is.

--- End quote ---

I do worry about this a little.  Part of this is due to a planned character arc for Miki (and Sancha's is less severe), but I'll consider this.  After a few chapters, we'll see what others think, but I might need to give Miki some purpose he's striving for in order to help readers identify with him.


--- Quote from: hubay on July 19, 2011, 10:28:50 PM ---I also like the small bits of the world you've shown us, and I'd like to know more about it. It's clearly a secondary world fiction, but I have to ask if it has any magic. [...] But if you DO have magic – and I'm only saying this because it's secondary world fiction – than we should have seen it by now. Even if it's a very small magic, you should let us know it's there through conversations or rumors or legends, so readers know what they're getting into.

--- End quote ---

Right now, there is magic in the world, but it doesn't really play into this story.  You may be right on the hints and rumors, and I originally had a few scattered in the early chapters, but they didn't seem to fit well with the scenes.  Since the magic won't come into play until a sequel (if there is one), I hope I can get by with threading those in later.

hubay:
Ok, I get that. I have some issues myself with Jhuz's story arc, because he seems to self-pitying and unactive in the beginning. If Miki does something interesting in the next chapter or two it'll be fine, i'm sure. Maybe have him try to pull a prank on one of his sisters during the ceremony? It would add a personal dynamic to the scene.

As for the magic, I can see it being a problem if it's completely unpresent in the story, if only because it will give readers a false impression of what your story's about and the second novel will confuse them. The only writer i know who got away with that kind of setup was Martin, and that's only because he puts it in the very beginning and the very end of the story. If you can pull that off, congratulations. But I have to think it will be hard to do.

Will777r:
Great chapter CJ!

I have to echo with Hubay that the story flowed very well. It was rare that I stumbled over a sentence or got lost in the writing. I could picture the scenes very well in my mind.

I also liked reading from Sancha's PoV more than Miki's. I think it's because she has a clear goal that defines her motivations and actions. She desperately wants a mission. Everything else always goes back to that. I'm invested because I have to find out if she reaches her goal. Mike seemed to not have that same drive as a character, thus I didn't care as much about him when I read his PoV.

I was totally confused when the older gal spoke up and said she achieved her goal. It took me a second to realize it was all an enactment. That's not a bad thing. I just had to go back up and read again to realize it was a test. Once that clicked, I think I appreciated everything much more. You set it up well.

I don't have much else to say - I'd read more just to find out more about Sancha.

Will777r

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