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May 23 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 10

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hubay:
Alright, chapter 10! I introduce a new character here, so let me know what you think. He has a fox familiar, which intoduces a new kind of magic as well, so I'm curious what you think of both the ability and how I explain it.

Other than that, this chapter is all a huge build up for the next chapter, which is the first big battle of the book. It's a lot of discussion of tactics and such, so I'd appreciate any feedback on how good my planning sounds, and if it's all necessary/not enough.

Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch10 (L,V,S)

Summary
Jhuz had to kill one of his men yesterday because he was going to rape a prisoner. He's a little worried about the implications of that. They're still concened about food, low morale, and a possible mutiny.

This chapter:
Jhuz meets a new character, and a Nothroi host approaches. Tension in the war room, and Ezlio forces Jhuz to make a decision.

Will777r:
Just finished reading your chapter. My first thought was that I wished I had the prior 9 chapters to read. Jumping into this chapter gave me the feeling of being dropped into a vast world, so it took me a bit to settle in.

First off, I thought the tension in your planning session was excellent. To be honest, I felt it was less about tactics and more about the people, which is good. Although the amount of people involved the discussion made it hard to follow (since I've been dropped into this chapter w/out prior introduction to these folks), the tension connected very well, even if I didn't feel connected to those who were being affected by the tension.

The opening section was hard for me to feel. Some of that has to do with not reading the first 9 chapters. But some of it seemed forced. There would be anger, then immediate laughter. Whereas the tension flowed smoothly in the 2nd scene (tactics), I didn't feel it here.

That being said, I like the part where he explains how his familiar power works. It was clear, unique, and seemed to fit perfectly within your world. I really liked the section where they ask Rince if he's every gotten someone to kill a person. It made sense the way you explained it.

The part right at the end of the scene totally lost me. Maybe it has to do with something earlier in the story that I haven't read, but it seemed out of place and was kind of a deflater from the cool explanation of the fox-familiar power thing. Unless necessary, it seemed more natural to end the scene after he finishes describing the fox power.

It might just be me, but the world felt large, with all the various kinds of troops. On numerous occasions I thought, "That sounds cool - I'd like to read more about those things". The squids that can throw up a smoke screen was very cool in my opinion.

The final part of the chapter seemed out of place - But again, that's probably due to me coming in so late in the story.

Nice job - I look forward to reading more :)

Will777r

hubay:
Thanks for the feedback! You might be right about some of those sections, we'll have to wait until we get feedback from some of the older members to see for sure.

If you want I can email you my old chapters, but here's a crash course in my magic/world:

Men are Faunametsi and women are Florimetsi, which is to say, men have animal familiars and women have plants. There are four types of metsi: Com (talking to that kind of plant/animal), Dom (controlling it), Mani- (manipulating the flesh or fibers of it) and Potemetsi, which is the most magical of the four. Potemetsi make up about a tenth of the population, and they can get powers from the familiar: birdmetsi fly, fishmetsi swim, ivymetsi walk on walls, aloemetsi heal, etc. Most people draw 'lesser' creatures like cows and dogs, or wildflowers and shrubbery. Predators, trees, and more 'exotic' wildlife are rarer, but they tend to be more powerful and therefore are the elites of society.

So one of the big problems, probably the biggest, in my world is how to refer to all the different types of metsi. The squiddies aren't actually squids, just people with squid familiars. But the way I'm writing right now, people refer to metsi colloquially as squiddies or birdies, with some of the more common ones having official names like the Herd and Hive. It's not very coherent, so I'd appreciate any suggestions. Thanks!

Will777r:
Well, all I can say is that your magic system sounds even cooler with your explanation. I definitely would like to read the first 9 chapters if you can send them to me. Might take me a bit. Or might not if it hooks me enough hehe.

Will777r:
Just finished the first 9 chapters. Excellent storyline. I'm definitely interested to see where it goes from here.  Chapter 10 makes much more sense now.

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