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April 25 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 9

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hubay:
Sorry this is so late. Thought I had the opening scene worked out but then it collapsed on me. Anyways, here's the rest of the chapter, with a brief synopsis at the beginning of what the opening scene should have been. Thanks for the feedback in advance. I'm particularly interested to see how you all think Jhuz is coming along as a character.

4-25-11 Hubay, Lord Domestic Ch.9 (L,V,S)

Summary: The Imperial Legion is on the run, caught between the supernal Chell and barbarian Nothroi. Jhuz has just heard some disturbing news about the Capitol from Ezlio, and his maidservant revealed that she often spies on couples using flower petals and commetsi. One of her petals wound up in the wrong place, however and she overhears two men planning on assaulting the female Nothroi prisoner Jainifer.

Ch.9 Jhuz schemes with Zaisha, gets dressed down by Manto, and tries his hand and commanding some of the flyers.

hubay:
LTU emailed me a critique when the website was down, so here's his thoughts:

Don't worry about the rape scene too much.  If you're opening into a new chapter there are ways around it.  They could discover the rape at the end of the last chapter, and then we skip to the future where they've killed the rapists.  I will admit, flat out, that it will not be as impacting as going about with it.  To be totally honest, either you should take a deep breath and go to that deep dark place you don't want to and write the scene, or you do something else. To be fair, the reason I did demonstrate Chalinae being rapped in my book is because I didn't want to do it either.  So I can sympathize with you there.

"I don't like where this is going."  - It's not a bad line, but it's one of those cliche things you can make sound a bit more clever with some time. "Our own hands."  - This is another one of those lines. In a publication world, you're going to have to do better.

" . . . shove it . . ." - Now the line isn't bad, but it does strike me as anachronistic.  Might just be me though.

Also, the reason a bee dies when it stings you is because the stinger stays in, thus leaving a hole in the body.  The association between ethereal daggers and getting killed after stabbing someone because they're bee dudes doesn't really cross in my head.  The idea is cool (the dagger thing) but it feels like a stretch to do ethereal daggers and death.  They just don't mix.  To me at least.

The actual chapter itself fells like it's going no where, but I know that's not true. Excitement followed by "boring stuff," that's probably more interesting then the "action," is what I think.  I liked it.  The birds and the feathers is pretty cool.

akoebel:
Though the chapter is enjoyable, I do find that something is missing there : I didn't feel like I cared about what happened to the characters, that there was no emotional impact on me.

It was like I was watching the scene from outside through a window where everything came to me muffled.

My personal theory about it is that you wrote something so intense on the beginning of the chapter that you toned down the rest. As we don't get to see the powerful part yet, all that remains is the emotionally stripped down part. This is just conjecture on my part, I realize. Those people just came through some awful fight with their own soldiers. They should feel way badder than they seem to.

The dressing down Manto gives his officers didn't look right to me : why did he even bother? Troops did something wrong and the officers had to act. That should be the end of it.

About the "message in a bottle" part in the end, I fail to understand Jhuz's reasoning. It seems obvious the Chell are involved. Why does he presume they will grand his request?

I hope I'm not making this worse than  it is : I'm still very interested. That part just seemed blander than your usual.

hubay:
Good advice, both of you. I think I'll try and increase the emotional impact of killing his own men on the rewrite. I'm going to keep plowing through with the plot, but as soon as I've figured out the opening sequence I'll probably re-submit.

@LTU: I'm not really sure the best way to the handle the bee thing (did I mention this in my email? I can't remember). I want it to work visually on the same level as Ezlio's quills – just with a very different end result. The death-for-a-death concept is pretty important to the Hive zealots, so I'm not going to ditch it. But if you guys think the delivery should be switched up I'm open to suggestions.

@akoebel: I'm having trouble fitting in Jhuz's view of the Chell right now, because everyone in the army kind of hates those guys and I'm really making them out to be the villains here. Thing is, most people in my world see them as a Good Thing, even if they're a bit creeped out by them. So everyone is a bit surprised by the attacks, and Jhuz's upbringing is such that he still assumes this is all a huge misunderstanding.

So what is everyone's impressions of the Chell been up to this point? I've been hinting at how they work with some of Jhuz's legaleese, and my goal is to keep you wondering what their motivations are, even if their actions are all cruel up to this point.

LongTimeUnderdog:
I would say don't change it, but if you give a better explaination of how it happens (and by better I mean something, not a whole science).  Like "Something about pushing one soul into the other soul that makes it impossible to go back into the body.  it was all very hushed and vague as far as everyone else was concerned."

Just a suggestion.

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