One verbal tick of yours that I've noticed is the use of transitional phrases, "he thought about Alberto's question", "his thoughts returned to the day he signed up", etcetera where they're not really needed.
While my first thought was "ooh cool, we get to see Jason fix the submarines!" I'm not actually too sure about the submarine scene. It doesn't really do all that much, and it runs rather long. The Jason-Alberto characterization is good, but you don't need to give us that much of it for us to get the picture.
The same is even more true of Jason's introspection here. We already know that he's having doubts about why he came on the trip etc, or at least it's strongly implied before this point. It's fine that he thinks about it again here, but again, you don't need to spend nearly so much time on it.
One thing I liked about the submarine scene, though, was the oxygen-breathing thing, which I thought was well-portrayed. It's hardly essential, but I'd be curious to see how Alberto dealt with it.
New scene, bottom of page ten, it's talking about the seventh sphere and the eighth shell and so on and even though you sound like you know what you're talking about, I haven't the faintest clue what's going on.
Later in this scene, you say "Jason was almost hysterical by this point". In the scene just previous to this one you described the physical symptoms of a panic attack--much more effective. Show don't tell and all that kind of crap.
Um, I find it a little surprising that these submarines come with DVD capabilities. Also, two hours makes for a rather long watch-the-buds-get-drunk video.
Considering the way Jason's been feeling up to that point, why doesn't he instantly feel afraid when Jane starts shouting at him?
I could buy it once he takes a look at the problem and realize that it's something he can deal with, though. In fact, it's nice to see him a little bit at hone.
This moronium tube that's supposedly moved. Is it moronium on Jane's sub? I'm confused.
"Soup’s scream didn’t reach Jason’s com unit until Soup had been dead for several seconds." Um, I'd imagine that a com unit that had a delay that long could be REALLY problematic. Which is fine, except why the heck haven't they fixed it?
I'm having a
really hard time wrapping my head around the blocking in this scene, I'm afraid. Now the worm is "swimming towards them". Them being Jason and Jane? So did only some of the group come back with Jane and now there are two different groups, one of which the worm's already taken out?
I thought Jason's reaction--to decide to ditch Jane and then the guilt that follows--was very well portrayed. On the other hand, the monster getting Jane's sub just before she can reveal the Deep Dark Secret just strikes me as way too easy, and a bit cliché. (I'd rather she just didn't say anything at all. Surely you can find a more effective way to foreshadow the revelation that all is not as it seems. That Jason doesn't even know what the mission is about is a good start. The hints that he's the victim of some sort of mind control technology (which yes, I twigged to long before the endd) are also a good start. There are probably other places you could sneak something in.) Also, what happened to that delay over the intercom?
The sinister mood change in the final scene is clear almost right from the beginning of the scene. Well done on that score.
I'm unclear as to what actually happened to Jason. One minute you're implying that he died, the next you're talking about de-briefing him and that "the fewer know of his survival the better" and the next you're suggesting that they might have just left him buried on Hades, and I think we should know whether he ends up dead or just a gibbering madman locked away in some governmental closet.
So. I mentioned the mood change at the end already. It's effective on its own, and I like it even more when compared to the first scene. But. About that first scene.
At first I assumed that Jason and Co. were out hunting for the survivors of whatever mess the first scene had talked about. (As I was probably supposed to.) By the time the worms attack, I'm thinking that perhaps the first scene happens
after the main bulk of the story, that the mishap of Jason and the others is the mess they're trying to clean up after. But I'm not a hundred per cent certain of this. The more I think about it, the more this makes sense, but viscerally, I'm not sure about it. And maybe this is because...
I don't know whether the people in the first scene are the same people, or at least part of the same company, as the people in the last scene. This scenario makes the most sense to me, but It appears that those in the first scene are genuinely concerned for any potential survivors. Which is fine, good even on a first read, but if they are the bad guys, I want to go back on a second read and find hints that something's wrong. As far as I can tell, there are none.
These things aren't deal-breakers and can probably be cleared up fairly easily--without necessarily even being made explicit--but they do mean I'm having a little trouble placing that first scene. The more so because well, to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what this scene is doing for the story overall. At the moment, it seems to me that the first scene is
just there to provide that contrast against the final scene. This can be a valid function, especially considering the shortness of this scene and the length of the overall story, but I just think a few things need to be cleaned up first.
Raven comments,"[Jane's politeness] annoys him, but it makes her more human? The way you say it here there's a conflict of emotion." I don't have a problem with that. That's how people work.
But yes, she's right, we do need more visuals of the worms.
Let's see. Your followup questions (I'm being pre-emptive here)
Despite my big long list of suggestions, overall, yes, I thought it was a satisfying read. And I think Jason's ending makes sense, as far as I know what happened to him; I don't think I'd have a problem with either option (dead vs gibbering madman) but I just want to know which it ended up being.
Unless you're asking whether or not Jason got what was coming to him and if you should be nicer/meaner to him according to his character. In which case, no, I think he got the short end of the stick, poor bugger. Does it matter? Not really.
The persuader chip... Well, when I first decided that some sort of mind control thing was what was going on (in the bedroom/panic attack scene, if you're wondering) I was a little bit sceptical. By the end of the story I didn't have a problem with it, though.
If by "telegraphed" you mean foreshadowed, it didn't come out of the blue. I think you could do a little more/
I won't say that this type of story and twist hasn't been done before. In your case, though, I honestly don't think it matters.
I don't really see a need to spotlight any of the other characters. And except for the places I pointed out above, I think Jason's character makes sense, yes.
And I agree with Raven, I think you need to give it a good tightening as well before you submit it. You've got a great start though.
In case you're wondering, I actually DO shut up eventually. Don't believe me? I don't blame you. But watch, I'll prove it!
