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Reading Excuses / Re: February 15 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Name of God Jin 1:6
« on: February 18, 2010, 10:42:30 AM »I think part of the problem for me is that Jin comes off as such a failure that it makes him unsympathetic. He just seems like a loser. He makes all these escape attempts but always gets caught, he's the worst at fighting, the biggest whiner of the group, and wants to die.
This might be ok if there was a lot going on, but so far we are only getting to see how rough of a life Jin has. Every chapter he is tormented in some new way, which really just makes us not care about it I think.
I'm gonna second this. Show too much of how rough Jin's life in the pits is, and the readers will start to become desensitized to it. Add in that he comes across as very whiny, and it makes it rather difficult to sympathize with him.
Anyway, homework is all done, and I said I'd give this a more thorough review.
Thoughts while reading:
Agree with the clothing thing. Jalean's works, as it helps establish what's going on. This is an important event, and she should look her best. With the boys, however - excluding perhaps Jin - unless it's vitally important to the story that the reader know what they are wearing, these descriptions can be woven into the narrative where they're needed, if they are. Unless Burm's clothes effect how he fights, or hinders him, or does something interesting, it's not especially important.
The problem with the detail, as mentioned above, is that the reader will just scan over it. They won't be able to keep all that information in their heads, and are even less likely to do so if it has little application to the plot. Hit the highlights and move on.
Hehe... Burm. I find him amusing, and I don't know why.
Yes! Masei girl is back! Loving the interaction between the two. Easily the highlight of the chapter.
Done.
Yeah, it needs more conflict. The scene at the end is great, but the stuff before it needs some work. Prose is great, dialogue is great, but the events that happen need something to better push them forward. Repercussions for the dummy seem like the best option, although I can understand why you don't have Jalean finding out about it.
Jin's relationship with Burm, as noted before, is a strong point, as is the little mystery about the magic in his arm. Overall, I'd say condense when you go through after the first draft. Perhaps this was your plan all along - putting more than you need in the first draft works for some writers, and when they go through on the second draft it's much easier to trim.
The note you made on the length of the days surprised me. So each day is equivalent to five of ours? Does this mean that these people are awake for 120 hours straight? I'd assume, adapting and evolving for this world, that they can handle such a thing. A human goes three days (seventy-two hours) without sleep and they're considered legally insane. I went five days without once. Was hallucinating and incomprehensible until my roommates finally forced me to conk out...