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Writing Group / Re: Writing Prompts!
« on: December 23, 2010, 01:27:47 AM »
Well, I guess I can try my hand in critisim.
MirandaBlaineMann
Actually I just liked this dialog. It was pretty powerful, natural, established setting and conflict.
batik
I like how the opening sentence sets the dialog around ''Right or Left''. There is pretty good dynamic in the beginning as the two people shoot at each other these quick arguments. The meaning of ''left and right'' changes from the position of the handle to direction of flight, being right or not having any time left.
I think the dialog loses some of its dynamic and sharpness, compared to the opening sentences. I think it would benefit, If the author could keep the same tempo and emphasized the different ''lefts'' and ''rights'' characters use a bit more.
Amurderofcrows
I like how initially the reader is mislead by a golem being called a ''red man'' and generally the story that would involve golems. The line that I disliked a little, was
It just doesn't feel right to me that such personal judgment can be made after a brief exchange and the golem didn't have much reasons to smile at that point. I can imagine a human handyman acting in the same reserved way. Perhaps it would be better to have a line establishing that golems generally are unemotional or move it to a later point in conversation as well as adding a joke that golem completely ignores.
MirandaBlaineMann
Actually I just liked this dialog. It was pretty powerful, natural, established setting and conflict.
batik
I like how the opening sentence sets the dialog around ''Right or Left''. There is pretty good dynamic in the beginning as the two people shoot at each other these quick arguments. The meaning of ''left and right'' changes from the position of the handle to direction of flight, being right or not having any time left.
I think the dialog loses some of its dynamic and sharpness, compared to the opening sentences. I think it would benefit, If the author could keep the same tempo and emphasized the different ''lefts'' and ''rights'' characters use a bit more.
Amurderofcrows
I like how initially the reader is mislead by a golem being called a ''red man'' and generally the story that would involve golems. The line that I disliked a little, was
Quote
"Anybody ever told you you got a — kinda flat way about you? Don't laugh much, ain't cracked a smile. You do smile, right? Red Men smile? I can't say I ever met one of you before."
It just doesn't feel right to me that such personal judgment can be made after a brief exchange and the golem didn't have much reasons to smile at that point. I can imagine a human handyman acting in the same reserved way. Perhaps it would be better to have a line establishing that golems generally are unemotional or move it to a later point in conversation as well as adding a joke that golem completely ignores.