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Messages - RiaRaen

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Reading Excuses / Re: RE-3/14/11-MannyBrainpan-Untitled Fantasy Serial- (Part 3)
« on: March 15, 2011, 07:36:02 PM »
I have to admit im abit confused by your reference to a magic system as there doesnt seem to be one?
I dont think the story is padding around at all in fact I think its moving very fast! I think a little more description could be used at some points. I like her internal thoughts and that lizard had me giggling away. In fact to me the lizard is the most important character! Im not sure about the name ideas as I want to see what happens first! ^^

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Reading Excuses / Re: March 14 - LongTimeUnderdog - The Canticle and The Forge, Chapter 11 (third draf
« on: March 15, 2011, 07:25:36 PM »
Hey^^
So I havent read any of the earlier chapters only 10 & 11 but if you could send me the earlier ones im sure it would answer some of the questions these chapters have raised for me.
I really like 'the memories of myself' of i am very intrigued by the background to this as I was very confused by what his sensitives are and where exactly on his body they are placed.

'She strung a veil of black silks was placed over my face and all light was now gone from my world.' should this read 'She strung a veil of black silksover my face and all light was now gone from my world' as it didnt quite read right as it was.

I did not know it at the time, but they changed my clothes - I found it odd that he wouldnt realise they were changing his clothes as surely he would have felt something?

I was also surprised to discover that Jin wears glasses as this wasnt mentioned in chapter 10 and they would have caused some issues for him being knocked about in the dirt, either being knocked from his face or getting broken maybe.

gold frames pressed tightly behind his ears needed cleaning and even if they cleaned, he was still too far away to make out any of the - again it doesnt quite read right maybe 'and even if they were clean'

He squeezed his way out of you and had it all. - Just wanted to say that I love this sentence and it really added to the characterization of his father

The couch sat in the far back corner.........  I skimmed this paragraph as it just seemed to much description all in one go and broke the action of the story.

Jin hated when Talvin ignored his precense. - again really like this sentence it told me alot about there relationship in so few words especially Jin calling his father by name.

The chill from the cooler air inside the House branch had already faded.- I wasnt sure what you meant by branch

 'causing the heat to bake said waste and make it smell even worse' for some reason I just dont like the word 'said' when used in this context it makes it sound pompous I would just use 'the'

So back to my earlier point about the specs you mention them alot in this chapter which just makes it even more odd that they werent mentioned in 10. Knowing about the glasses has somehow altered my perception of Jin and how I imagine him which destroys the image I had from the previous chapter. So I would recommend using them in 10

“Eeeehh,” he screamed, tumbling to the side.- another little gem, I laughed out loud at this

pick up wet grass, or dirty grass. - you then go on to refer to it as straw. I would use one or the other

I have to admit I did start skipping parts of the stable duty as it seemed to go on for a while but the story picked up again nicely after that. The dialogue in this story is great, each character really has their own voice and your descriptions really set the scene although some are too long and ruin the pace. Im intrigued to see where this goes.

I look forward to reading the earlier chapters and the ones to follow

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Reading Excuses / Re: March 14 -RiaRaen- The Magic Weilders Rewrite- Chapter one
« on: March 15, 2011, 05:56:12 PM »
Hey All ^^
Any grammatical corrections would be most welcome i'm dyslexic so its really hard for me to pick up on stuff like that. I normally get my friend to proof for me but she is once again off travelling.

@Skyhuntercommander and Manny , Thank you for reading guys. The repetition of the paragraph is going to be something that I will play with alot througout the rest of the story as a way of distinguishing charachter thought processes :) or something like that ^^

@LongTimeUnderdog, This isn't the whole of the chapter, just what I have so far as a first draft. Alot of the points you raised are literally about to come up but In the last version of this story I struggled with the lack dialogue and over description so I'm trying to curb my adjectives :) I like how you incorporated the floor into my sentence and I will be using that but i didnt want to lose the invisible force as again that is something about to be explained.

I fyou could give me some examples of the coolness/neat and descriptive stuff it would help alot as I want to really refine how to do this before I plough on with the rest.

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Reading Excuses / March 14 -RiaRaen- The Magic Weilders Rewrite- Chapter one
« on: March 14, 2011, 02:15:02 PM »
Hope this version has ironed out a few of the creases but if not I love a good challenge. This is the start of the first chapter and introduces us to the main protagonist of the book Aerdreia (Air-dree-a) so let me know what you think. Those of you that saw my first version (With Merin, Anno and Bran) do youthink this is better? Those of you that havent read that version it would be good to get a fresh perspective :)

x

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Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: March 10, 2011, 07:16:47 PM »
is there room for one more? It is only small the beginnings of my re-write ^^

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Reading Excuses / Re: March 7 – Hubay – Lord Domestic Ch 0
« on: March 10, 2011, 07:15:29 PM »
Ok so I havent read any of the other chapters yet but I will, so this is all from a fresh perspective.

So there were a few niggly mistakes

"Its been a while since you've bothered to take them yourself"
He was of surprisingly average height and build

I really liked the description of Grishka and the little bit about the hair on his shoulder piqued my interest...... Ok now I know what it is..... very nice touch

I actually loughed out loud at "the boy looked like a boy. He was picking his nose."

This particular sentence confused me
"If an actual chell had bothered to take the boy here, Dezrius doubted he would draw a cow as his familiar" - I think it would work better as " since an actual chell had bothered to bring the boy here" because when i first read the sentence I just couldnt figure out what you meant as it sounded like you were cursing the fact a chell hadnt brought the boy when of course one has.

Aithricha turns in his grave - again I loughed out loud

ooo I love the impending doom and the moral conflicts of the demi-god very well done.

Ok so on a whole I really loved this! lots of great details that fleshed out the social order of things and the magic was very explained. There are a fair few spelling errors mainly just the wrong letter here or there. I have to say I actually really like the last sentence. One problem I have always had with prologues is they very rarely pertain to any part of the actual story but in this you have provided the insight to your character and in one sentence swiftly introduced us to what this book will be about.

Overall I am excited to read the rest :)


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Reading Excuses / Re: 3/7 - jpayne1138 - the witch's child
« on: March 10, 2011, 06:25:20 PM »
Okies I enjoyed this story, some parts I found lagged slightly but it always picked back up again. There were a few things that niggled me;

How is it that Timberlen has been in the woods more often and futher than the others when she is a good girl and it is frowned upon to go into the woods . This confused me slightly

I found the name stuart didnt really fit with the peice

'She made a noise like a shriek coming in backwards,' this description really tickled me and quite frankly I love it.
I especially enjoyed the 'I'll tell you when your older part' it was witty and light hearted in all the right ways

I also thought your description of seeget was very good but I there didnt seem to be any for tamberlen who as the main protag was just a blank image in my mind.

As for the ending I think it definately has to involve the terrible and gruesome death of Bertram. Perhaps you could go with option 3 but instead of Bertram killing the goblin child it kills him!

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Reading Excuses / Re: ReadingExcuses-0124-Halo6819-ProjectStyx-Chapter 1-VL
« on: January 31, 2011, 04:33:53 PM »
ok so i finally got round to reading it!
I read the prologue a while ago so I didnt find it difficult to engage in the introduction of a new character but I can see why this would be off putting to some people. Saying that I do think both the prologue and this chapter are great and I have read alot of books where a big change like that occurs.

I was completely engrossed in the story and didnt lose interest at any point. I loved the way you presented the IP address in code and I had to go back and re read the message again for it to click into place.

The main issues I did have were with the conflicting representions of Gaerus. He is described as being a rotund pizza lover and yet he seems quite capable of running around like an action star. I think if you could make it clearer that he does struggle to exhert himself it would tie the character type up more clearly. What I do love about this character is the fact that he isnt the 'A' typical leading man and I really didnt expect him to jump into action the way he did and yet it was believable.

One thing that did snag me was Gaerus stating it was his day off and yet his sister tells him its not. This confusion is never explained and I couldt figure out why he would be under the belief he didnt have work when he does. Especially since he is a very intelligent guy.

You also drop the name Halo in there and I had no idea who this person was and I even scrolled back to see if the person he had sent the IP address to was Halo but it wasnt. So that could be a little clearer too.

This chapter made me think Handmaids tale vs the traveller, it was interesting and great to read I look forward to reading the rest :)

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Reading Excuses / Re: ReadingExcuses-0117-Halo6819-ProjectStyx-Prologue-VL
« on: January 25, 2011, 02:41:23 AM »
well hello ^^
So I am not so great with technical advice so here are my general thoughts :)
glow of neon light coming from long tubes that ran the length - I felt like the word 'coming' was redundant and broke up the description, I lost focus slightly.
drinking in her surroundings.- drinking to me always suggests to me a positive thought, sometimes even a little sexy so I found this word a little out of place. But that is just my opinion.
Slow, deliberate, measured steps echoed through the room as a shadow in the corner of her eye resolved into a man.- I would just like to say that I love this sentence it really pulled me back to the moment and clarified the surroundings for me :)
Blinking away the purple after mirage,- this to me again broke the image as I wasnt sure what you meant
Ok well I am very intrigued by the story I havent had a chance to look at chapter one yet but I will. You pulled me in and as a genre that I dont normally read you made it easy to follow and with a good sense of anticipation. I did find the transistion to Raith abit abrupt and at first I was very dis-interested in his story as I was still stuck on what had just been going on with the girl. I did find that this passed but maybe you could make the transition a little easier.

Over all I enjoyed this and look forward to reading the first chapter :) she sounds like my kind of girl ^^

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Reading Excuses / Re: Reading Excuses, January 10, RiaRaen, the magic Wielders Chapter 1
« on: January 12, 2011, 10:55:38 PM »
One of the main plots for this story is travel between worlds. Alot will be explained in the prologue which should help clarify this idea. Annos knowledge of this world has come from Merin. The knowledge the people on this world have of earth is mainly second hand, there is alot of hate for earth on this world. I am using a cross between gaia theory and monothesism which sounds bizarre I know! The main idea is that the worlds are all connected by one primal living being, a being that breathes and exists in a godly but biological way. It is from this power that magic comes. The people of this world live a simple life because they respect that power and through magic and religion understand how industrialisation and over population can kill the power of the worlds, hence dying earth. But earth will play a large part in the story but not to intrusively as I want to keep the fantasy feel in the story. I will definately be going back to re-work how the story is told and hopefully make it more digestable :)
I think I will put more focus into finishing the prologue and then hopefully it will tie in well it setting up the theology of the story, thank you for you feedback :)
x

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Reading Excuses / Re: Reading Excuses, January 10, RiaRaen, the magic Wielders Chapter 1
« on: January 11, 2011, 02:25:28 PM »
Hello  :)
Thank you so much for the feedback, its good to finally have some concrete critique that I can work to fix. This is the first thing I have ever written that isnt an essay for university so I am trying to fumble my way forward! Everyone mentioned the PoV so I will start there. I always wanted this to be an ensemble peice and knew that there would be many changes in Pov but that the main protagonist by chapter 3 would take the lead. There are alot of changes in PoV that I have only come to realise since you mentioned it but I think with it being the first chapter I didnt want to focus on one character as they are not going to be the protagonist. Do you think this is workable. Chapter three will all be from one Pov. Is this too long to wait?

Longtime underdog: Wizard isnt may favourite word, makes me think harry potter or terry goodkind. I had a long struggle with how to define the magic weilders whether they should be know as the fidereus which is there title or if I should offer familiar words. Within the Basisilica there are wizards, mages, sorcerers, enchanters, conjureres and warlocks. Each is different as people weild power in different ways and they are defined by how their power works and so given one of the above titles. Do you think this is a good idea? or too cliche and perhaps i should look to take a different approach?
As for the 'telling' thank you! I have been sitting knowing something isnt right but unable to understand what it was was or how to fix it. Now I can see that there is so much potential for good dialogue and I lose alot of the unnecessary trimmings.

Akoebel: WOW I knew I wasa bit of a crazy on adjectives but I hadnt realised the love I have for adverbs. That id definately something I will go back and address so, thank you :)
Light years is quite a common term in this world, Anno comes from earth as it stands now so she is also familiar with the term and it will be commony used throughout the story. I have toyed with the idea of coining a word to describe the distance when they cross to new worlds but as of yet it hasnt come to me. The world Anno is on now although primitive in many ways is by choice. They defied industrialisation in favour of magic and religion, and they are the central world upon the hand of the gods. which will all unfold later.  There will be some crossover too :)

Fireflyz: Indents, got it. I actually have no idea how I missed that since by default I normally indent paragraphs when writing Uni work. Again thank you for the feedback :) There is going to be a prologue which will hopefully be dramatic and pull the reader in quickly although at the moment it is being a pain in my back -side! Again I completely get what your saying and will be going back and bringing in some entertaining dialogue and more emotion.

Halo6819: Thank you for the * tip I will bring that into force although I will be going through to see if I can whittle down a little of the PoV switches. Anno has been with Bran and Merin for three weeks now and Merin is a talker. He has told her alot about this world and although she has little memory of earth at this point everything since her arrival here is crystal clear. But thank you for pointing that out as I think I can clarify it all with some dialogue which will work well with other changes I am going to make :)

Right I am off to do some re-working and tuning.  :P
xx

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Reading Excuses / Re: Email List + Submission Dates
« on: January 08, 2011, 12:10:31 PM »
Hey Hey
Would I be ok to send out my first chapter on monday ? ^^

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Reading Excuses / Re: Your Background
« on: December 24, 2010, 02:14:32 AM »
Hello
My name is Ria, I live in London although that isnt where I am from. I am a born and bred shropshire lass :) I am a lover of fantasy fiction and most rainy days you will spy me with a robert jordan in hand. I am a daydreamer and it is from my daydreams I get inspiration.

I always had an itch to write, so I just sat down one day and started writing the book I always knew was deep down inside. My biggest problem is my love of description, adjectives are my game, I also worry terribly that readers will get lost in my ramblings! So I am hoping you lovely people will help me cut out all the weedy bits and help me refine what is at best a novice attempt at a novel!

Hugs from England
xx

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