Timewaster's Guide Archive
Local Authors => Reading Excuses => Topic started by: Necroben on December 01, 2008, 04:23:55 AM
-
They are small chapters, so I hope nobody minds, but I sent out about 4k words. Well, I will also say thanks for reading and hope to get your honest opinion. (Should I continue or focus on my Day Job?)
-
I think you should really try to grab the reader's attention right from the beginning. Move as close to the inciting moment as you can.
Show don't tell. Maybe you can have him sitting at the bar, having a drink, and thinking of one particular memory of his wife.
Don't list all the different cities and countries he has been to; maybe in chapter 2 or 3 have someone look through his briefcase or whatever and pull out his passport, covered in stamps.
Also the faux english accent was just really annoying ;D
-
Also the faux english accent was just really annoying ;D
I thought that that was the point of it. ;)
The story moves refreshingly quickly. At times too quickly though. The repetition of the conversation with The Stranger in such close proximity to the original bugged me. The prose early on is a little too florid for me. But now I'm just getting super picky. :P
-
Also the faux english accent was just really annoying ;D
I thought that that was the point of it. ;)
The story moves refreshingly quickly. At times too quickly though.
Was it the dream sequence or another part that moved too quickly?
-
Great work. I enjoy the first person narrative, it is different from the usual stuff I read.
Ok, just the nit-picky stuff: Se Senor is spelled, Si Senor and the Senor needs a mark above the N.
I was a little confused with the Stranger and his dialog. He seemed to be switching back and forth from his weird English to normal. Was that on purpose? It's probably just me.
I agree with the other comments. The story started out great, very moving, but then seems to jump rather quickly. I like the use of bars and your descriptions of his mental state in each. I think the whole ring section could be spiced up a bit, particularly the Stranger and his giving it to your character. I think after some revisions, this story has lots of potential.
-
Great work. I enjoy the first person narrative, it is different from the usual stuff I read.
OK, just the nit-picky stuff: Se Senor is spelled, Si Senor and the Senor needs a mark above the N.
I was a little confused with the Stranger and his dialog. He seemed to be switching back and forth from his weird English to normal. Was that on purpose? It's probably just me.
O.k., how do you do the mark above the N? I can't find the right key.
As too the dialogue switch, yes that was on purpose. I had the idea that if you have a shape-shifter then accents would also change with the shape.
-
Señor
Try copying and pasting this into your word document. I just copied it from the Internet.
Good luck!
-
Was it the dream sequence or another part that moved too quickly?
I don't know if I really think it moved to quickly. :P I'm split. On one hand I love the fast pace, but on the other I wish there was a bit more detail. I don't know if the entire work moves like this. If it does, I'd be worried about losing important details. The scene in the hotel room moves nicely. Use that as a guide. Then again, the MC is drunk/dead tired throughout the sequence we have, so it could just be an effect you're using.
-
That was a rally interesting start. I felt just as confused and lost as the main character.
I will be honest, at first I was almost scared out as I am still dealing with the scare I got from my wife's cancer treatment.
However, it really helped me feel for the MC.
I have to agree that the replay of the bar conversation had me confused to the point that I thought I had backtracked.
The change was rather dramatic when I got to it.
I'm looking forward to seeing just what has happened to him.
-
That was a rally interesting start. I felt just as confused and lost as the main character.
I will be honest, at first I was almost scared out as I am still dealing with the scare I got from my wife's cancer treatment.
However, it really helped me feel for the MC.
When I originally started writing the story it was supposed to be horror. So I tried to think up the one thing that would scare me the most and of all the things that came to mind, that was it. (brought tears to my eyes) And I said, I've got to use this, somehow. I think it'll be moved in the next re-write but I want to keep it. (or learn to kill my darlings) :P
-
Okay, here's my take:
I found the internal first-person narrative to be a bit overdone. I think a lot of the details of the MC problems could have been brought out in a conversation with The Stranger. This would give you the opportunity to developer the MC as well as The Stranger.
If the MC is inebriated throughout the first 5-6 chapters, would you consider altering his internal monologue into the thoughts of a drunk person? Much of what he was thinking was a bit too clear and precise. If his thoughts are muddled on top of his actions, then he could be an unreliable narrator.
There was some repetition that I found hindering. You first told us he was a drinker, told us he was at a bar, told us again he was in a bar, later on told us he wanted to just be in a bar, told us he wanted a drink. How could you revise this such that the character's actions or environment indicate his intoxication?
For example: (after The Stranger first speaks to him) I sipped the last of my drink -- like so many before it -- and pushed it towards the bartender. "Anuth'r" I said as I fished for my lighter. Where was that lighter? I just had it! Oh, it's in my other hand! "Hey, buddy" the bartender said, "that fifty you dropped is almost gone. You sure you want another?" "Yeah," I said, as the cigarette fell from my lips.
Okay, that's a bit cheesy, but I hope you get the point.
Lastly, I didn't care for your over use of semi-colons to link partial sentences. It made for difficult reading.
On the bright side these are all things that can be fixed. I don't have a problem with the setting or characters (the little we know of them). This is a good start! And don't let the revision process prevent you from moving past this into chapters 8-1000!!
-
If you're using a Windows computer you can get the ñ by hitting ALT and 164 on the number pad to the right (doesn't work with the numbers up top). And, as I just discovered, make sure that Num Lock is on. You can also get the í for the sí by hitting ALT 161. "se" is actually a reflexive pronoun in Spanish, means something kind of different :P
I agree that there’s a lot of repetiton you could weed out of here, and that you could do a lot more showing than telling.
At one point, the stranger dropped his false accent and at the same time dropped all contractions in his speech as well. I’m not entirely sure why either change occurred.
A lot of people – in fact, everyone except the narrator – seems to be speaking in dialect. It’s kind of annoying. I didn’t mind the stranger or the Spanish lady, but that the bartender and the cabbie both did it too was something I found irritating.
I really don’t have much more for you. I’m very interested in the premise and curious to see where the story goes from here.
Sorry my comments are kind of minimal. This has to be my shortest crit yet by a long shot.
-
I'm not going to say anything about the accents or repetition since everyone else did, what I would suggest is that you give a slight transition between his getting in the cab and the dream sequence if you do want to use it so close to the original conversation.
As it is, it's too difficult to follow. Another option would be to go with someone else's idea of the MC being an unreliable narrator and make his thoughts drunk as well.
-
If you're using a Windows computer you can get the ñ by hitting ALT and 164 on the number pad to the right (doesn't work with the numbers up top). And, as I just discovered, make sure that Num Lock is on. You can also get the í for the sí by hitting ALT 161. "se" is actually a reflexive pronoun in Spanish, means something kind of different :P
Sorry my comments are kind of minimal. This has to be my shortest crit yet by a long shot.
Thanks, that's really cool. ñ í Hmmm...what does it mean then, what did I say?
I was so looking forward to have something to read for an hour. :'( S'o.k. though. What you've given is a lot of help.
I would also like to take the time to say thank you to everyone for reading and giving me your comments, I know many of us don't have a whole lot of time, so every little bit is much appreciated.
Thanks again Y'all! ;D
-
Well, it didn't really mean anything because "se" only means something in particular sentence structures. "Se levanta," for example, "(s)he gets him(her)self up".
If you'd put an accent on the e (ALT 130) "sé" would have meant "I know", which is slightly more interesting? I guess?
(Those keyboard shortcuts come in REALLY handy when you study Spanish, what can I say...)
Augh! My crits aren't that long are they? Sorry, I'll try to do better next time. :P In the meantime, have random facts about the Spanish language!
Me gusta mucho el lengua de español...
-
Augh! My crits aren't that long are they? Sorry, I'll try to do better next time. :P
Sorry, I was trying to be funny. It doesn't work all the time but I try it all the same. I'm not trying to criticize at all. Do as you will, please.
-
Haha, no, I was trying to be funny too. Clearly I'm the one who needs the humor lessons here. ::)
-
Well I feel as confused as your character about the Halloween party... but I'm guessing that comes next?
I love the way you've written this though. It's almost like I can hear him telling me the story. Really comes across as talking to the reader instead of at them.
There's a couple of aphostophe's missing here and there, and a your instead of a you're.... but other than that, grammar seems good too (nitpicky much).
Only thing is..... is he in America or England when he meets the man?
And the English don't speak like that :P Hehe. Just to rain on the parade even more. Sorry!!!!
Well, some English people do, but not all..... *hides*
-
lmao! He's in America, I could do a poor imitation speaking, but writing it, I can't spell half of it!
-
Hehe. You make it sound like a whole other language :P
-
I'd have to say, the pacing was interesting. Half of the time, I seemed to like the sporadic and fast-paced style, as it seemed to give you the same perspective as the MC. The other half of the time, though, it felt a bit too jumpy. Hard to follow at times.
I'm going to agree with everyone else that the replay of the conversation was confusing. I was afraid that I'd printed out a second copy of that page, and it got mixed in with the rest, or something. I was confused.
However, it is intriguing. I'd really like to know what is going on, and that's a good thing.
The shortness of the chapters is nice, too.
-
That was a BIG question that I'd had. Were the chapters too short? I wasn't sure I had pulled it off correctly, but since no one seems to have a problem with it I must have done it right. ;D
-
I don't think chapter length is much of an issue unless its too long. The chapters are just a way to break up the book into recognizable chunks and prevent it from just being line after line of text. If you want those chunks to be smaller than "normal" thats fine.
-
Accents are tough to put on paper. Oddly enough, the English do speak... er... English (I think Hayley is biased). Two countries separated by a common language.
So in a written form their words would appear the same, but only the sound would be different. The big clue in writing English versus American versus Australian is word choice. That will give you a better visual (i.e. read) indication that this person's "not from 'round here."
Depending on where in the UK, one might here "cheers, mate" as opposed to "hello" or "what's up". When I speak to folks from the Southern US I get "how do, Mister Karl?" (yes, using the first name).
What became somethat confusing in your story is, if The Stranger was faking a Brit accent, then what was the bartender and cabbie speaking? Was that supposed to be Bostonian, New Yorker or Philly?
You might consider limiting the contractions, using word choice and giving the accent emphasis in the MC's thoughts (MC thinks to self "I must be on the East coast...").
-
What, Canadian English doesn't count? :(
-
American-lite, eh?
-
As too the dialogue switch, yes that was on purpose. I had the idea that if you have a shape-shifter then accents would also change with the shape.
I didn't really get the shape-shifter thing. Or rather, I did get that he changed shape, but I made no connection to the accent, which was incidentally horrible to read, but that has all been said. ;)
What irritated me, especially near the beginning, was that you used no contractions when I would have expected them. That disrupted the impression of the narrator actually narrating, because it seemed as though you were making an effort to avoid all contractions.
I also found the fact that the narrator thinks so readily of magic when the ring won't come off mildly irritating.
Your chapters were too short, for my liking. I didn't really see the need to put "Chapter X" all the time, but I think that's mostly due to the ever growing chapter numbers, the breaks were all in the right places. It's more of a cosmetic problem, I suppose.
Apart from that, the story was intriguing, and the scene in the hotel room was indeed the best one. It definitely left me wanting to know what was going to happen next.
-
This was something which caught me completely off guard. I like the film-noir style you’ve got going there. It seems I’ve read a much edited version from the others, since all of the faults the others have pointed out seem to have been fixed.
When you introduce faux-English-man (dibs on the superhero name ;)) you have him use liok. That word cost me a lot of trouble to find the intended sound but that’s most likely a language issue. But just in case it’s not I thought I’d mention it.
The only other jarring thing I ran across was the beginning of chapter three. How he got from a bar to windy Oceanside and back to a bar is a bit confusing. I gather he was sucked into the world of the ring, but why does this happen before he even puts it on?
(Sorry for being a bit brief, I’ll try and be extra nit-picky on your next submission which is already sitting in my mailbox as I type this and I have some catching up to do first)
-
Like your narrator, I'm late to this party, but here we go.
The book starts off great. I was hooked immediately, and sucked right in. Chapter 1 ends with a bang. Excellent. Well done.
Nit-picking: This by no means tells me were in the states I am, only that I am home once more.
I think you meant "where"
Throughout everything I read, the prose was well written. It's clear that you write naturally and confidently. (Or you revise the hell out of it before submitting. heh heh) However, there appeared to be a lot of errors with punctuation. Or, at least, the punctuation could be better. I'm not a copy editor, but I suggest you have somebody good like that go over it and suggest semi-colons where you have commas, etc. Example:
I leaned back, away from the thought and from him. Had another drag, and considered my situation.
Don't ask me how to fix it, but those two sentences both felt jarring when I read them. I had to go back and re-read it to get their meaning. They took me out of an otherwise smooth and quick read.
In other words, get a publisher to buy this and have them sick a proof-reader on you. ;-)
" 'ello, what's a gent' liok you duin' in a dive liok this?"
Dude, I've got to give you some props here. Writing accents is a dangerous thing to do. If you can pull it off, then great. (JK Rowling does this brilliantly in the Harry Potter books). You seemed to have handled it nicely as well.
"Not. Interested."
"Me boy'o, ye know not what ye do.
"…"
"Well, if that's the way you want it…"
Okay, now I'll put the brakes on my otherwise flowery nice words. I'm not sure how I feel about the "..." line. The dot-dot-dot obviously is a drawn out moment. And it works OK, I suppose. It's certainly original in a sense, which I'll give you credit for. But I think you can do better with that beat. Maybe the narrator clunks his drink down and looks at the Stranger for the first time, ready to tell him off. Or maybe yo can describe the silence that lingers in between them. ("The fans whirled overhead." or "The bartender wiped the counter around me, but I hardly noticed.") Something like that. Just something to consider. :)
Chapter 3 - I didn't get a clear read on where he was at. At first it seemed like it might be at an outdoor, ocean side bar. But then you mentioned a smoke filled room. Might just want to clarify that a bit.
Watching the Ring, I caught sight of its smoldering center. It pulsed and throbbed, a burning ember without heat. The rhythm picked up as my heart began to race. I became entranced, enchanted; I felt it throb in time with my heartbeat. With agonizing slowness, I wrenched my gaze away. What was this thing?
It's a crystalheart from Reaves' novel! ;-) jk. Couldn't resist. Alas, I also have red crystals in my novel. Apparently I need to change their color or otherwise, I'll be accused of stealing.
Not sure if you did it on purpose, but I like how your paragraphs and sentence structures got a little longer after he sobered up. *bows* I'm not worthy....
Chapter 6 felt really out of place. But I think that the point.
Well done, Ben. I'm impressed.
J
PS: I'll read other people's comments and chime in as well.
-
1) Nit-picking: This by no means tells me were in the states I am, only that I am home once more.
I think you meant "where"
2) In other words, get a publisher to buy this and have them sick a proof-reader on you. ;-)
3) Chapter 3 - I didn't get a clear read on where he was at. At first it seemed like it might be at an outdoor, ocean side bar. But then you mentioned a smoke filled room. Might just want to clarify that a bit.
4) It's a crystalheart from Reaves' novel! ;-) jk. Couldn't resist. Alas, I also have red crystals in my novel. Apparently I need to change their color or otherwise, I'll be accused of stealing.
5) Not sure if you did it on purpose, but I like how your paragraphs and sentence structures got a little longer after he sobered up. *bows* I'm not worthy....
1) Good catch! I didn't even notice it. :-[
2) Even though it's my first, I'm working on it. ;D
3) Thanks, I think some others had that thought as well.
4) lmao! It didn't even connect for me! I can't speak for Reaves, but so long as they don't do the same things, then I don't mind. Go for it!
5) I have a book, "How to Write Tales of Horror, Fantasy & Science Fiction", that has been my bible for several years now. Dean Koontz has some great advice about how to use sentence structure for mood, pacing, and suspense. I was just hoping that I didn't mangle it too much. :-\
-
Lol go for it. I didn't notice a connection either :)