46
Reading Excuses / Re: Reading Excuses - [Pipe] - [2/23/2009] - [Imitation]
« on: March 12, 2009, 01:37:56 AM »
I would say good luck, but hard work trumps luck every time. You'll knock' em dead! 
News:
A lot of people describe Scalzi’s Old Man's War novels as military science fiction, but I would classify its sequel Zoë’s Tale as a space opera. It’s a story about, well, Zoë, a teenage girl whose parents are invited to take leadership roles in building a colony on a new planet. Zoë is an enthusiastic member of the group sent to colonize Roanoke, despite the risks—and the risks are considerable even before the political machinations of greater powers boil to the surface. Continue reading Zoë’s Tale
Review by Silk
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47
Reading Excuses / Re: 3-9-09 Seven Seals
« on: March 12, 2009, 01:35:22 AM »
Hey Pipe, thanks for your comments. I wasn't too sure with Saul's part. I wanted to stay with some of the Epic fantasy tropes, but kinda give it a different spin. Who we see them to be now isn't what most would expect them to be later on.
* his areole view - Aerial maybe?
oops! That's something totally different.
* Oh and Jonah and Jo'hon's names might be too close for comfort.
Yeah, I wasn't sure, but hey, no problem this early in the story.
* Is that the end of the chapter? Or just a segment?
It is what I had in mind to end the chapter. Do you think this might be a bad place to stop?
* his areole view - Aerial maybe?
oops! That's something totally different.
* Oh and Jonah and Jo'hon's names might be too close for comfort.
Yeah, I wasn't sure, but hey, no problem this early in the story.
* Is that the end of the chapter? Or just a segment?
It is what I had in mind to end the chapter. Do you think this might be a bad place to stop?
48
Brandon Sanderson / Re: A Memory of Light
« on: March 11, 2009, 02:37:38 AM »I have a theory about LTT that doesn't involve time travel or torture. The DO torturing him is unlikely because LTT has been remarkably helpful in cases where the DO would definitely not want him to be competent.
Basically, we know it is possible to have memories that are not from your own life. Matt got his head filled with memories from other people, and Birgette naturally remembers memories from her previous lives (although she is now forgetting them.) In both cases, we get a perfectly well-balanced person who just happens to remember a whole bunch of stuff from the past. Note especially the fact that Birgette produces a single, integrated personality that is constant across all her lives.
I suspect that Rand is experiencing something similar, but with key differences. Unlike Matt, these memories are from his own soul. It seems likely that the soul makes a difference; give the same soul the same memories and you get the same personality back. Thus Rand's personality, as he regained his LTT memories, would begin to overlap and absorb the personality of LTT. Notice the fact that he starts unconsciously picking up LTT's mannerisms and using LTT's memories without being aware of it. Note especially that if he doesn't notice it, there is nothing crazy about what he does with LTT's memories. He is LTT reborn, and so his essence is the same person as LTT, just like Birgette reborn is always Birgette at core; a core which we see in the world of dreams.
Thus I claim that Rand has these extra memories in his head of his previous life, like Birgette. Unlike Birgette, however, he does not want to admit to himself why he has these memories. He does not want to admit that he is LTT and that he really did all the things he remembers doing. These memories are extremely painful ones for him, partly because of LTT's reputation, and especially because of what he did at the end. Combine his attempt to deny himself (because denying that he is LTT is denying himself) with fact that the taint is probably driving him crazy, and it is easy to see how he could end up constructing an alternate "persona" he could assign the LTT memories to. Thus LTT is just Rand talking to himself, refusing to admit that he's gone slightly around the bend.
Of course, part of the question is: why does he remember being LTT? The only answer I can come up with is that the taint triggered it somehow, a la Semihrage's (sp?) explanation in Knife of Dreams that crazy people (even before the taint) somehow remember past lives.
And thus; To Live, you must Die. Embrace the other part of his soul (learn laughter and tears) and he is no longer exactly the same person, or is a completely different person and only the core of who he is is the same. This way several different prophecies all come together at once, even those I've forgotten.
I like this theory.
49
Rants and Stuff / Re: These Stupid Titles VIII
« on: March 11, 2009, 02:27:17 AM »
It may be over for now, but I think it served its purpose. There is no one to fight against anymore. Bummer. 
50
Books / Re: What are you reading, part 3
« on: March 10, 2009, 04:39:48 AM »
I started to do the same thing with Twilight. Never read it though.
51
Reading Excuses / Re: 3-9-09 Reaves: Crystalheart, Chapter Twelve
« on: March 10, 2009, 04:31:38 AM »
Oh, surely Aermyst could count on Deragon to keep his secret, but rumors would grow.
Maybe add a lament to what he said in front of the children.
This wing of the Sacramency was still made of the same ethersteel it had been built as. …because the stuff was nearly indestructible.
I had the impression that the people of this time couldn’t rework the ethersteel into something else. So what would it have been reworked as?
I really like how you started with Deragon’s pov, but it seems to shift several times throughout the scene; it gets a little confusing. But Dantes is alive! Yea! And boy is he pissed! Now don’t get me wrong, I would be too, but… It comes off a little contrived. Be mad or not, the going back and forth for Deragon’s sake throws it off a little, for me.
More than two hundred ago.
I think you mean years.
Several different bobbles of thread; white, black. Blue, red, and green.
Unless these colors become really important later on you could probably do with out mentioning them. Even so, you could probably get away without mentioning it at all, even if you do use them later.
The dirty man who had been touching her backed away.
Did he touch her? I thought she slapped his hand away.
She continued running, long legs eating up the sand.
Enter Tristan to the rescue?
The submission was great! I wanted to keep reading to find out what happens next. I really don’t know enough about Dantes to say whether he was in character or not, especially after such a trauma. It’s a rather tricky situation that I think you pulled off well. Out of my own nit-pickiness I saw (or hoped) Dantes would react in a different manner, but by the end it was believable. I loved it, great job!
Maybe add a lament to what he said in front of the children.
This wing of the Sacramency was still made of the same ethersteel it had been built as. …because the stuff was nearly indestructible.
I had the impression that the people of this time couldn’t rework the ethersteel into something else. So what would it have been reworked as?
I really like how you started with Deragon’s pov, but it seems to shift several times throughout the scene; it gets a little confusing. But Dantes is alive! Yea! And boy is he pissed! Now don’t get me wrong, I would be too, but… It comes off a little contrived. Be mad or not, the going back and forth for Deragon’s sake throws it off a little, for me.
More than two hundred ago.
I think you mean years.
Several different bobbles of thread; white, black. Blue, red, and green.
Unless these colors become really important later on you could probably do with out mentioning them. Even so, you could probably get away without mentioning it at all, even if you do use them later.
The dirty man who had been touching her backed away.
Did he touch her? I thought she slapped his hand away.
She continued running, long legs eating up the sand.
Enter Tristan to the rescue?
The submission was great! I wanted to keep reading to find out what happens next. I really don’t know enough about Dantes to say whether he was in character or not, especially after such a trauma. It’s a rather tricky situation that I think you pulled off well. Out of my own nit-pickiness I saw (or hoped) Dantes would react in a different manner, but by the end it was believable. I loved it, great job!
52
Reading Excuses / Re: 3-9-09 maxonennis
« on: March 09, 2009, 07:58:12 PM »
I'm sorry to say that I didn't get it. 
53
Reading Excuses / Re: Mar 2 - Queen'sOpal - Part 5
« on: March 09, 2009, 05:44:41 AM »Quote
Elves are VERY light weight. They will not be carrying around 50-100lb bows. What they use and how they use it is something I have gone back and forth on and will probably continue to do so for sometime. If anyone knows a good source on these type of things please let me know, because I think I officially exhausted the obvious ones....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bow_(weapon)
You might want to be carefull though. If elves are light weight and their muscle mass this therefor lower, then their bows will lack power. Long shots will be difficult and their penetrating power will be almost none existante. So no metal armor or trick shots from far off.
Idea though: If their physiology gives them longer bones then they will still have muscle to use a stronger bow. Monkeys and other apes have longer, well, long bones. This allows for more muscle, making them stronger. Much stronger than humans pound for pound.
54
Reading Excuses / 3-9-09 Seven Seals
« on: March 09, 2009, 05:08:59 AM »
This is my attempt at Epic Fantasy.
I'll go back to Aspirations after this, but I'm getting ready to start on my next story and wanted to get a feel for which one I'll start with.
Anyway, thanks for reading and have fun with it!
I'll go back to Aspirations after this, but I'm getting ready to start on my next story and wanted to get a feel for which one I'll start with.
Anyway, thanks for reading and have fun with it!
55
Reading Excuses / Re: Mar 2 - Queen'sOpal - Part 5
« on: March 09, 2009, 04:44:33 AM »
Sorry I'm late to the party.
The cat larger than any panther Drynn had ever heard of…
…heard the reed snap.
…and passed through the air without hitting anything.
If it passed through the air, doesn’t that imply it didn’t hit anything? Normally it probably wouldn’t be a problem, but with an action sequence, you might want to choose some of your words sparingly. Short, sweet, and to the point helps keep the pace up without being confusing.
…from a completely different direction.
What direction? Where did it come from?
Before he could make Cindle understand it leaped at her shoulders. Cindle jerked back without flinching.
I could be misremembering, but isn’t Cindle the only female there. If so, you probably don’t need to name her every time. I think I see why, but she and her could probably be used a little more in this sequence.
…only his own weight as a weapon.
If he had a bow, doesn’t he have arrows? It might be in character for Drynn to be impulsive in battle. But what I remember from your opening scene with him, he wasn’t impulsive.
…and Drynn fell backed down dazed…
I think you meant back, but you could eliminate it entirely for a stronger image.
…she twisted her neck around to inspect the damage the cat caused when it racked her back.
Does she have a different range of motion that allows her to see that much of her back?
“Not for a ways off, but here.”
This sounds like the stream is right there. Maybe break up the dialogue with the action/body language.
…he chanced upon a random memory…
Yeah I agree, this sounds cool, but I think this is something that should have been mentioned before.
There was no warning this time.
Show, don’t tell. You could probably cut this sentence out.
It looked around stupidly for the source of the noise as the archer stuck with another arrow before scrambling to another branch.
Who went to another branch?
Cindle emptied her hands and rolled Drynn over to inspect the damage…
Wasn’t he already on his stomach? Did she roll him onto his back?
…Drynn felt some power behind his words.
This is kinda confusing. Can Drynn feel and or interact with the environment and just has no control over the body, or is he just a witness to events?
…would have smiled of he had any means to do so.
If?
…and he lectured himself silently…
Lectured just seems like a weak word here. Maybe berate, rebuke, scold, or cursed himself.
…already full of food and other odds and ends that Cindle suggested they bring…
Did the elves bring money to buy goods? Would their money even be compatible with the money of humans? A people they have no contact with. Here would have been a great scene to introduce us to this new race.
…Cindle was given the last one.
Who gave it to her and why?
…block the night sky and the only advantage…
You may want to reconsider using and. I’ve noticed that it’s been used quite a bit through out your story to connect complex sentences. Think about varying your use a bit.
…and the sheep heard…
Herd or flock maybe? Unless you’re trying to describe how they hear. Lol, I do the same thing with strait and straight.
I’m sorry if I said the same as some of the others, but I didn’t have time to read through all the other posts. The fight scene was ok, but I think it could be improved upon. Same with dialogue. I really enjoyed your story despite what I might have said above. Your world is taking shape beautifully and the pov of the elves regarding humans paint an intriguing picture. Great work and as always, I look forward to your next submission.
The cat larger than any panther Drynn had ever heard of…
…heard the reed snap.
…and passed through the air without hitting anything.
If it passed through the air, doesn’t that imply it didn’t hit anything? Normally it probably wouldn’t be a problem, but with an action sequence, you might want to choose some of your words sparingly. Short, sweet, and to the point helps keep the pace up without being confusing.
…from a completely different direction.
What direction? Where did it come from?
Before he could make Cindle understand it leaped at her shoulders. Cindle jerked back without flinching.
I could be misremembering, but isn’t Cindle the only female there. If so, you probably don’t need to name her every time. I think I see why, but she and her could probably be used a little more in this sequence.
…only his own weight as a weapon.
If he had a bow, doesn’t he have arrows? It might be in character for Drynn to be impulsive in battle. But what I remember from your opening scene with him, he wasn’t impulsive.
…and Drynn fell backed down dazed…
I think you meant back, but you could eliminate it entirely for a stronger image.
…she twisted her neck around to inspect the damage the cat caused when it racked her back.
Does she have a different range of motion that allows her to see that much of her back?
“Not for a ways off, but here.”
This sounds like the stream is right there. Maybe break up the dialogue with the action/body language.
…he chanced upon a random memory…
Yeah I agree, this sounds cool, but I think this is something that should have been mentioned before.
There was no warning this time.
Show, don’t tell. You could probably cut this sentence out.
It looked around stupidly for the source of the noise as the archer stuck with another arrow before scrambling to another branch.
Who went to another branch?
Cindle emptied her hands and rolled Drynn over to inspect the damage…
Wasn’t he already on his stomach? Did she roll him onto his back?
…Drynn felt some power behind his words.
This is kinda confusing. Can Drynn feel and or interact with the environment and just has no control over the body, or is he just a witness to events?
…would have smiled of he had any means to do so.
If?
…and he lectured himself silently…
Lectured just seems like a weak word here. Maybe berate, rebuke, scold, or cursed himself.
…already full of food and other odds and ends that Cindle suggested they bring…
Did the elves bring money to buy goods? Would their money even be compatible with the money of humans? A people they have no contact with. Here would have been a great scene to introduce us to this new race.
…Cindle was given the last one.
Who gave it to her and why?
…block the night sky and the only advantage…
You may want to reconsider using and. I’ve noticed that it’s been used quite a bit through out your story to connect complex sentences. Think about varying your use a bit.
…and the sheep heard…
Herd or flock maybe? Unless you’re trying to describe how they hear. Lol, I do the same thing with strait and straight.
I’m sorry if I said the same as some of the others, but I didn’t have time to read through all the other posts. The fight scene was ok, but I think it could be improved upon. Same with dialogue. I really enjoyed your story despite what I might have said above. Your world is taking shape beautifully and the pov of the elves regarding humans paint an intriguing picture. Great work and as always, I look forward to your next submission.
56
Reading Excuses / Re: 3-2-09 Cradle of Life Chapters 1-2
« on: March 09, 2009, 02:48:56 AM »
It's cool, take your time. 
57
Books / Re: What are you reading, part 3
« on: March 08, 2009, 11:32:17 PM »
Was that the one where the guy learns to build cathedrals? Then his son also learns to build as well? All set in medieval Europe, in the dark ages?
58
Everything Else / Re: What kind of dog is this?
« on: March 08, 2009, 12:29:25 AM »
My wife is a Vet student, and she agrees with miyabi, it's a mutt.
59
Books / Re: What are you reading, part 3
« on: March 08, 2009, 12:20:13 AM »
So I'm now an unbeliever? How did you know?
'course, I've always thought that WFR and FoTF were his best books of the series. Though on my re-read of the last one, I found a lot of plot holes and inconsistencies throughout the whole series. Way too contrived. But he has an interesting style, and if it seems like he ripped off the genre on account of all the cliches, well that's just par for the course. The genre being epic fantasy.
'course, I've always thought that WFR and FoTF were his best books of the series. Though on my re-read of the last one, I found a lot of plot holes and inconsistencies throughout the whole series. Way too contrived. But he has an interesting style, and if it seems like he ripped off the genre on account of all the cliches, well that's just par for the course. The genre being epic fantasy.
60
Books / Re: What are you reading, part 3
« on: March 06, 2009, 06:00:16 AM »
I'm re-reading Faith of the Fallen by Terry Goodkind.