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Dec 1st, 08 - Birthright - Prologue

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Karl:
Nice intro! Certainly grabbed my attention and makes me eager for more.

The only think I balked at was the word 'scriptomancy.' Sounds too made up, like Bowl-O-Rama. The concept is great, you just need to find a better name for it.

I hesitated on the word 'Clansmen', trying not to think of Klansmen. But then thought more of Scottish clans, which is where I think you were intending to go.

Perhaps unintended humor: the enemy general Zheng Wii, the inventor of the famous game platform?!? Might consider a change to a homonym like Wui.

Second chuckle came with the horrified curse 'He's a Scholar!' Yes, the pen is mightier than the sword! It's almost like saying 'Stand back folks! He's an Actuarial! He has statistical tables, and he knows how to use them!!" I think it was an inadvertent bit of humor, and I'd almost rather you left it it.

I have naught else to say but to keep writing more.

Manyang:
It was an intriguing intro and I could be persuaded to read more of the story. The world itself seems alive and in motion, this is clearly part of something greater.

The magicsystem reminded me a bit of Elantris, especially the contrast between the physical lower birthright and the scholarly higher birthright. For me this only resulted in giving it a familiar feel and a strong expectancy in terms of limitations and possibilities.
The setting for me turned out French colonial for some reason, somewhere between pirates of the Caribbean and the man in the iron mask.

You could scratch the first sentence. The second one has stronger imagery (and scratch the word ‘own’ while you’re at it)

Because you’d already named Edwyn, I first assumed the second and third paragraphs introduced new characters. I was happy with just the name, his age and status become apparent through the story itself.

I agree with the comment on spoonfeeding a bit much. You have a slight tendency to tell us what you’ve just shown.

The armchair bursts into flames first and is then hurled against the desk.

Having him cock an eyebrow and then mentioning it was no surprise they new his surname makes him appear a bit thick. As though he only realised after cocking that brow.

Although I think it makes a great image to have him sit there writing at gunpoint, I can’t help but wonder why nobody even contemplated the possibility of him being a scholar. Surely if they know who he is, and where to find him, they’d be briefed on any magical abilities their target might possess.

A hand has about 20 odd bones in it, breaking it can be done in many ways, simply using crushed would leave a stronger image.

The implication that Edwyn got it all wrong in the end is a bit negated by the fact that they just murdered his household and are willing to torture him. Whoever they work for isn’t likely to be a friend.

In the last paragraph you’re showing us a face, but I’m not sure whose it is. Rogers was angry and Edwyn wouldn’t be able to see his own facial features without a mirror.

Hayley:
I really liked it!

Love the character of Edwyn already, and how the way he seems to remain really calm in the first instance. It looks like it irriates Rogers a lot more. In a way, Edwyn reminds me a lot of Gandalf from LOTR... could just hear his voice as I was reading for some reason.

Interested in knowing what's written in the letter that took so much work to get out of that room.

Also liked the idea of the pen running out of ink on page 5. Leaves the reader wondering if he'll be able to get out of the situation after he can't use his magic any more.

All in all, looking forward to the next part :)

-H

Dangerbutton:
Wow, thanks a ton for all this feedback! This is a big help. As you point out little things here and there, it leads to me noticing even more tune-ups the piece needs. I haven't had input from a writing group for a good four years, so this is definitely much appreciated.
Oh, and I'm glad so many of you got a colonial, or pirates of the Caribbean feel from the setting. That's what I was going for, partially.

Silk:
I think some of my comments might be repeat from the discussion but I'm too lazy to go back and edit my comments. Other than what I say below I don't think I have anything I particularly want to agree with or disagree with from the comments:

You have an interesting contrast going on in the first paragraph – this could be made a lot more effective, I think, if you did a bit more showing instead of telling. We know that he’s unfazed by bullets hitting the doors, and that there are people dying outside… but we’re left to imagine what the sounds outside are like, and what his reactions (or perhaps nonreactions) to the situation are. Giving us more show versus tell would both sharpen the contrast and make the opening just generally more engaging.

You’re also throwing a lot of description of Edwyn at us right off. Knowing very specifically what he looks like is fine, but I think it’s also fine to spread those details out. As long as we have one or two details of his personal appearance to cling to, we can find out more as we go. You could probably also be a bit sneakier about the way you include some of those descriptions, instead of telling us “the middle aged man did this” or whatever.

You mention one of the Clansmen being surprised at Edywn’s calm greeting to them, but they’ve already come bursting into the room and seen him totally unperturbed by the fact that nearly a dozen men with guns have killed his bodyguards, broken into his house, and are now pointing guns at him. It seems a little inconsistent. Similarly, when Edwyn’s told he’s going with the Clansmen, Edwyn raises an eyebrow at the use of his surname, and then goes on to say that it’s no surprise they know his surname.

I’m not too sure what the Wingroves have to do with Edwyn. I think it would be good to know fairly soon.

Nice way to introduce magic. I do wonder how commonly known Edwyn’s ability is. These soldiers seem fairly seasoned, so if Edwyn’s ability is widely known, then it seems like a novice mistake for them to ignore what he’s writing. Or even to let him continue writing. (Later: Okay, they didn’t know that Edwyn was a scholar. Depending on how common this ability is, or how common it is in a certain class of people, or whatever, it still might be a newbie mistake. But I’m much more willing to let it slide by this way.)

I’m trying to decide if you tell us too much when you tell us Rogers has the Lesser Birthright. I think everything you’ve told us would be good to know, but I’m wondering how appropriate the stuff after “He had the Lesser Birthright” is in the middle of a heated action scene. Still, though, it didn’t bug me very much. 

I like that Edwyn’s not infallible, that he was so certain of himself and ends up being wrong. Manyang makes a point, in that whoever came knocking probably wasn't a friend, but I don't think that means that Edwyn couldn't have been wrong about whatever was going on... One does wonder about the armed men and lethal force if Rogers wasn't expecting that much resistance, though, which his words seem to imply...

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