Timewaster's Guide Archive

well, i read it... twice
I don't know what to think.  Is that what you were going for?  lol
This seems like one of the seriously flawed gods from greek mythology.  The kind that allowed man to steal fire and undo their plans.
It was an easy read comprehension-wise, i was just having trouble grounding myself in this universe, maybe?
I would keep reading, though.

Thanks for your thoughts.  I will probably change the last sentence just a little to give a hint of what he sees.  That will lead to the rest of the battle and cleanup in the next chapter.  that's where Will's real journey will begin.

Thanks for the help guys.  I'm actually going to resubmit this chapter instead of moving on.  I am changing it up a lot to show more character.  I am also changing the way it ends so i need to do this before I move on. 

I like the action and the ideas in your story, so I would definitely give it a chapter or two.  Actually, I'll read it all, but if I bought this in the store I would give you a couple more chapters.
Frog voiced my points much more eloquently.  If he is distraught by what he has become, I want to know more about where he was before he began his descent.  I also want to know that he wants to get back up.  It seems from this chapter that he is enjoying the descent too much.
As i said:  just my personal opinion.  I don't require fluffy bunnies and pure sunshine.  Just a character I can identify with.  If this guy is truly wanting to change what his thirst for revenge has made him become, then show some remorse at all the killing instead of relishing the upcoming hunt for another person to kill.

Thanks for the comments.  I think I fell victim to trying to submit every week. Going to take a couple and rework this chapter and polish the next before submitting.

I'll only send one chapter this week and mine are all short. @1900 words

Thanks for the observations.  The magic system does seem powerful, but we will find out in the coming chapters that it definitely has its limitations.
Ramaak hasn't been attacking anybody (except the soldiers who surrounded him first).  I will revise that to make it more clear.

Thanks for the great comments.

Also, we don't know how or why Dezkin was with Haldor to begin with.  He just says, "I woke up in his chamber." and that's it.  No further explanation, no history of who he was/is/will be, no mention of family or anything.  Does Haldor make a practice of randomly kidnapping young children?  With no consequences?

The relationship between Haldor and Will is a major plot point.  That line will be revealed throughout the story.