deckacards - 02/02/09 - Chapter 1: Memory

[Necroben]

Congratulations!

I'm sorry I haven't critiqued your story yet, but other than what others have said I don't have much to add yet.

When I think of something intelligent and helpful I'll get back to you.

[Frog]

Thoughts While Reading:
I wouldn't use 'discovered' twice in one sentence and there are a few phrases here that could easily be deleted like: 'in her hiding spot' or "From her limited viewpoint"... though, now that I think about it, I would probably delete the whole 2nd Paragraph. Sorry, I just don't like fluff or too much false suspense.
Love the image of her in her ruined dress, but again, I would delete the back story starting with "Analan was not well suited to castle life." You are already showing us this, so we don't need it as much.
Good dialogue.
Her Uncle gave in rather quickly when I would think they would of had this conversation at least once before if Analan is always sneaking off....
Why is Bael so admirably calm during the exercise, when he was swearing up a storm before?
"She had been buried alive." Umm... where did that come from? I mean it was certainly interesting/exciting but it is so out of the blue.
Overall Impression:
Scenes and dialogue were good once we got to them, but I am feeling a bit disoriented. I know you want the suspense, but be very careful about confusing your audience. You want them always guessing what will happen next, not completely lost. You already had your prologue, so now I want to know where your story is and when it actually began. Tell me that first and then you can jump around all you want.
Good Work .

[M]

Ok, first of all...probably one of the best stories I've read...as far as writing goes.  The story however (for me) was boring.  But don't take that personal as I don't care for magic systems, knights, fighting or fantasy writing. 

*Now that most people here dislike my taste* ONTO THE CRITIQUE!

Ok, I'm going to be very picky only because there is little to critique, that is to your credit.  You are a very good writer.

Surrounded by high stone walls, it was lit with only the single fire pit and the soft light of the full moon high overhead.

You seemed to mention the fire pit numerous times, I think we got it the first time.  (Like I said...it's really just picky stuff)

I felt the following two sentences were great...but out of place.  I just seemed strange to read those in the way and place you put them.

Occasionally, she caught a glimpse of a random star on what had become a cloudy night.

His advice – casually offered here and there - was readily accepted and applied by his students.

Ok, this is really a lame thing to point out, but you use the same verbage really close to each other. 

barely leaving any room for his opponent

and then just a few sentences away you say

barely sparing any energy for defense

I noticed that any time the girl is asked something she always responses the same way: 

She nodded that she understood.

 

She nodded that she understood, then slowly repeated her uncle’s movements.

 

Ana nodded, not sure she could speak.

 

in her uncle’s voice…then nodded that she understood

 

Ana’s heart leapt into her throat as she nodded vigorously.

 

Ok, I liked the way your wrote the buried alive thing...but I don't like how it plays in the story.  I like that she fast forwards 15 years but it seems too rushed that she is buried alive and doesn't know how she got that way.  It was odd and jarring for me.  I personally didn't care for it, but I do like how you wrote it.  Hope that helps.  Great work.  I look forward to reading more from you.

[deckacards]

whew...okay...I was going to respond to all the suggestions/comments/etc....but I've gotten so far behind that I'm going to be lazy and only respond to a few...but let me say THANK YOU all for reviewing and taking the time to share your feedback with me. It's been a tremendous help...and all of it is appreciated.

Thanks!

So...first of all...the "Warfare" Han is referring to is not physical wars and battles...it's something else more "philosophical" or "life lesson" related...but the comment on it made me realize I had not provided a way for the reader to know that...thanks!

Second point...thank you all for the feedback related to the sword fighting time...the ridiculous thing is, I've held a sword and swung it and I knew better when I wrote the length of the practice session...but I was apparently struck by "head up my butt" syndrome I have a couple ideas for it...one of which changes the scene a little bit, but may still work and make it a bit more interesting. I will say...the lack of suitable protection is intentional. This is no fencing match...I think of it more as a thrill-seeking experience for the men...not necessarily for the thrill experience itself, but to make them that much better at war...imagine a pilot that logs ALL of his flight time in the real thing rather than simulators...wouldn't he be a better pilot for it?

Brief tangent here...I was watching part of Unforgiven again the other night...and I saw the part where Clint Eastwood's character rode off for quite a long time, leaving his two very small children to care for themselves....like, completely! It reminded me of these men...these men are not you and I...they are not raised on "look both ways when you cross the street" and "make sure you wear a helmet when you joust today"...the world is different, and the people in it are different as well...you want to fight? let's fight! ...think of the beliefs of the dude in the 13th Warrior...when it's your time, it's your time...and all the helmets and armor in the world won't change that...these men believe something similar...

However, having said all of that...your feedback has made me realize it may not be realistic enough to do it that way...or...if I do go that way, I need to make it clear without being telly...but the other idea I had might work as well .

For Han, he absolutely loves Ana...and he has been waiting for an opportunity to teach her...and all of his remarks when he first discovers her are sarcastic or playfully mocking her...which is why he acts like he would NEVER consider teaching her the sword...but then he surprises her by offering to at the end of all that...teasing her...Feedback on that made me realize I need to somehow make that a bit clearer at the beginning of their meeting...

Need to let you know it's night earlier...Absolutely! Sorry about that...

Reaves...regarding the footwork...I don't really know sword fighting...the description was based on a Tae Kwon Do stance I was taught during training as a kid...and the "dragging" is a light dragging, allowing you to put your foot down quickly if attacked while moving...but your feedback made me realize I didn't make that clear...it DOES sound too heavy of a movement. Thanks!

The way you describe Bael as a big, red-bearded man glancing skittishly around makes me think he is insecure. I suppose it doesn't really matter though, because he probably won't show up later, but hey.

Oh, Bael and the entire band is in the book quite a bit  ...remember...they are all fairly young and in training, even though they appear old to 7 year old Ana...Bael is unsure of what's going on because he knows Han...and he doesn't like being in the sword ring without a weapon when Han is up to something...he's trying to smile to the princess, but he's suspicious of Han's motives (he expects something like what Han does to him...turns a 7 year old with a blade loose on him)...I'm hoping that Bael will be a mild source of comedy in the book...just enough for people to say "Hehe...I like that guy"...you kn0w? We'll see...

Anywho...the feedback on this chapter was great...and I'm really excited about how to bookend the chapter that I mentioned above...

I'm going to take the advice and try to really streamline and tweak the memory sequence...see if we can't get the chapter hopping a bit.

Thanks, all!