Timewaster's Guide Archive

Welcome! I'm also new here...'bout a week or so...

When I signed in, Reaves generously invited me to a writing group for online submission/feedback/workshopping...so, I'll "pay it forward" and pass it on...it's called Reading Excuses...there are a few posts in there about rules/guidelines/etc....if you're interested, take a look! in the Local Authors section, it is directly under Writing Group, but you have to be logged in to see/access it.

Good luck with the series!

Okay...

First, I agree quite a bit with Reaves...especially when he said this: "I don't know if telly is the right word. Its like there is a glaze over the words removing us a bit from the story. Bring us closer in. Make us a part of the story.

Javik's death was devoid of any tension whatsoever."

alright, I'm going to be completely honest with you here...i hope you take it the right way...this chapter and how you depict Angel and Jason...makes you seem like you have a very low opinion of women. I'm sure that's not true...and I'm sure I seem that way in my own writing at times (because I just don't know what it's like to be a woman...), but Angel cries WAY too much, is MUCH too quick to do whatever Jason might want or will make him happy, and really has no redeemable qualities not attached to Jason. The part where Jason tries to redeem his opinion of her (saying she's different than he thought women were...) doesn't work at all. It's like trying to damm a mighty river with a single log.

It's okay to show Jason as having a low opinion of women, but through scenes and dialogue, you have to show the reader that there is a redeemable quality in your female characters - whether Jason sees it the same way or not.  And, honestly, just a note...if you DO give Jason a low opinion of women, it makes it difficult for the reader to identify with him - very problematic in first person.

Also, I don't know how "young" Angel is...but I would avoid calling her a "young girl" in the story...it makes the sexuality seem VERY inappropriate and awkward...

Okay...on to other stuff...

The heart eating thing...man, I don't see how that makes any sense whatsoever...clearly he is taken over by some other force (or, at least that better be revealed to be the case farely quickly...), but it just makes no sense and is disgusting. Of course, keep in mind that I haven't read anything but this chapter...

Don't use nearly as many exclamation points in your writing...they have too powerful of an effect when used and should be used sparingly...if your dialogue or scene is structured/described correctly, the reader will provide their own emphasis in many places. Too many exclamation points make your characters seem hopped up on meth

Your dialogue and the given dialects for the characters do a pretty good job of helping you establish characters from one another and add depth.

The angel hair scene...way too "all of a sudden"...i know it's first person so you can't describe Angel's thoughts...but maybe that means you flesh it out in a conversation between the two...then tell Jason's side of considering it in his head...I don' t know...it's difficult...one of the reasons I don't like first-person in novels...way too much information to consider and try to process through one person alone...

Also...sometimes you have to cut back on describing inconsequential actions...like when he opened the bag and dropped the hair in...

Holding the hair in my right hand, I pulled my magic bag off my belt loop with my left.  Using my teeth, I opened up the drawstrings.  Setting the bag down into my lap, I pushed the opening wide with my fingers and dropped one strand of hair into the bag.

Just say something like, "Pulling the bag from my belt, I opened the drawstrings and casually dropped the hair inside." and be done with it...

Finally, the scenes seem to go by very quickly...like checkpoints on a board game...settle in and let the actions impact the characters a bit...it feels like someone is running behind the characters and pushing them down a trail saying, "Yeah, yeah...crying and killing, crying and killing...whatever...let's go, let's go...gotta' get to the end...let's go...!"

I like the unexpected nature of some of your scenes...I don't know if the "angel gets eaten" scene really works, but i like that you are intent on following your own path...makes for a more interesting story.

I have to say, my most interested point in the story was when Angel was eaten and he was chasing Newt...I was honestly drawn in and wanting to know if he was going to get her out alive...and then...the heart-eating scene...and I was out again.

For me, writer's block can take a few different forms.

1) I don't have a very strong grasp on where the story is going beyond what I've written - I have no direction. I may have ideas, but I don't know for sure where my characters are headed, what is going to happen to them, how the story will develop/progress...etc.

Solution:  Give yourself permission to stop writing and think about the story. Step away (not out of the house or far from your computer...you'll want to be within walking distance when inspiration hits). I usually take a hot drink, step to a window where it is cool outside and I can be alone, and just stare outside and think about my story. When an idea for how the story should go, I explore it a bit in my head, and then run back and start jotting down notes about outlining the story. Be sure and let this note-taking run its course before you start writing...otherwise you'll miss out on a lot of ground-breaking information/ideas. Usually, after taking my notes, I wait until the next day or at least that night before I actually start writing...like letting the ideas digest a bit.

2) I'm sick of working on a certain part of a story. Maybe I've spent the last month working on getting the characters through a particularly hard part of a story (maybe chapters 5-7 are heavy and hard to write...maybe it's something else...), and I just can't trudge through it anymore. This can be particularly worse if I know about another chapter/part of the story later in the book that I'm excited about writing and I'm frustrated 'cause i'm not there yet.

Solution Give yourself permission to jump ahead. You're the writer. You don't have to go through the same chronological, beginning to end process the reader does in order to understand the characters or the story. Go ahead and write that exciting chapter! You already know how chapters 5-7 are going to end...and how the characters will be different at the end. Go ahead and write chapter 8 and enjoy it. Go back later and finish the other chapters. Important note...one or both of the following conditions must be true in order to do this:  A) You must know how your characters and story will be different after the chapters you will skip are written. B) You must be willing to re-write your chapters/story that you've already written if the future chapter you want to write will change the facts.

A note about chapter layout:   I keep a spreadsheet to help with this stuff...it lists the chapters and quick notes as I think of them. Helps with quick layouts and knowing where I'm going and how/where to change things if needed...

3) My own writing is making me think horrible, desperate things about myself! For some reason, everytime I sit down and write something, it looks like the worst piece of writing I've ever read. I must be the worst writer in the world...who am I fooling...etc., etc., blah, blah...

Solution Give yourself permission to write badly. It's okay. It took me a LONG time to finally accept the fact that what my professors and fellow writers were telling me ACTUALLY applied to me...revision and re-writes are not only key to the writing process, but probably the bulk of it. Be willing to do re-writes and revisions. Until then...in those moments of utter disgust at your own words, just get through it. Write horribly (maybe even try to be comical about it...writing the worst prose you can think of just to laugh at it and get through the facts/events), and enjoy it safe in the knowledge that you can and will go back and re-write it. Besides, sometimes what seems like horrible writing at the time will look like you were channelling Robert Jordan when you re-read it. Like fine wine and smelly cheese, sometimes the best writing gets better with age. NOTE: The goal here is just to focus on getting a first draft, skeletal framework of your story down...not to produce publication-quality work. Give yourself permission to be okay with that.

4) I feel like there is no way I'll ever be able to do what these other writers have done. How could I ever hope to do what they've done??? I might as well not write it and give up now.

Solution  Give yourself permission to take time off to read. Stop writing. Pick up some random fantasy novel, and just read. For me, at some point in my reading, I start thinking, "I can do this...yeah...I can do this! I just need to get going and be patient." Sometimes, you even get ideas for what to do - in a general sense - from what others do. Things like, "Yeah... I need to add a section of philosophical pondering for character depth and pacing..."

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE:  Do NOT...I repeat, do NOT read Robert Jordan for this problem. Robert Jordan really IS better than us. The guy was a brilliant fantasy writer and possessed more story-related patience and world/character-building ability in one little finger than most of us have in our entire body. Everytime I read Robert Jordan, his stories only reinforce my fears of writing inadequacy. It will make your problems worse. But...don't worry...while you may very well be the next Robert Jordan (although, like Michael Jordan, I don't think that will happen...the guy re-defined the genre...like Tolkien did, and yet he and Jordan are infinitely different in style), you won't know it until years after the fact.

5) Nothing really helps. I've tried all of that stuff, and nothing helps.

Solution  Find the music. This is one of the few pieces of advice I got from one of the dozens of "how to write" books that has actually stuck with me. As you write a story, find a certain piece/style of music to listen to while you write that just fits for you...for whatever reason. It may be tied to the story you're writing...it may just put you in the mood to write. For me, I listen to Enya whenever I write my novel. It just works. Also, it helps here to look at other ways to "put you in the mood." The mind/body is a creature of habit and conditioned responses. If I always listen to Enya, sit by a window, and drink hot coffee while I write, then whenever those three things are present - like Pavlov's dog - my mind settles in and the writing juices flow. Quick note:  Headphones are great here for isolating you from outside distractions.

Ultimately, I don't think there are any sure-fire cures for Writer's Block...but my theory is that Writer's Block, more often than not, is caused by our own inner conflict. We are stuck between what we feel we should do and what a part of us really wants to do. You're writing for fun...find a way to listen to the "really wants to do" part of you. If you're writing for yourself and for fun, there really is no "have to" part of your writing. Do what you want, and everything else will work itself out...for the most part.

FINAL NOTE:  I have to say this...if you haven't read Stephen King's book "On Writing"...go read it! I know, I know...I actually don't like King's writing...but his book ABOUT writing is actually wonderfully amazing. I had a well-published, literary-type Creative Writing professor that was wonderful at teaching young writers. She hates Stephen King's novels...and she has literally read over a hundred books on how to write (she has 3 degrees in writing)...and she flat-out stated that Stephen King's "On Writing" book is hands down the BEST book about how to write and the writing life that she has ever read. She recommends it to ALL of her students on day one of class.

Okay...that's enough of my long-windedness...Good Luck! Hope at least some of that helps!

man...I love this forum! the feedback here is incredibly helpful...I'll stop responding to every single post, but thanks a lot, guys!

To Deckacards: yeah, I put as much info into short stories as a habit. I'm a newspaper journalism major, I can't help it but I promise to try.

Hey, really...you're doing fine...good characters, good setting (putting the characters in a cider house really communicates a lot about the story, characters, and setting without having to tell us), and you clearly know where you're going.

Funny thing...my niece once told me she was thinking of going into journalism and asked me for my opinion...I said I enjoyed my brief journalism writing experience, but I loved Creative Writing. She said, "What's the difference?" I said, "Everything you hate about one, you'll love about the other."

In Journalism, you have to stick to the facts, get moving through the story, and you can't take any time to set anything up. In Creative Writing, it's the exact opposite (in a way). Take your time to set things up...throw in all that "extra" stuff...really enjoy the craft of writing the story. The opposite is also true...in Journalism, you don't have to setup all that stuff...you just get to the story.

One more thing...something that is easy to forget when writing our own stories or reviewing pieces of stories written by others...readers that pick up a novel do it with a small amount of dedication. They have paid money for the book (or at least driven to the library to check it out), cleared at least a portion of time to read, and they really want to enjoy what you've written. They want to like the story. Therefore, what many of us forget when writing/reviewing is that a reader will give you a chapter or two to setup the story. When we write or review, we think, "Come on! Let's get going!" but when we read for pleasure, we need a little setup...even if we have to wait a chapter or two for something big to happen...we'll thank you for it in the end - if we really get to know the characters.

Whew...okay...

You have some interesting characters, and I love when stories work in rich texture and environment like cider and fall...

That said...slow way down. You've covered AT LEAST 5,000 words worth of events in just 2,400 words. I would think you could take the events that have happened and stretch them over 3 chapters at least. Slow down, introduce a character, and hang with him/her for a while. Let them walk/look around, experience their environment, and show us who they are...give us a chance to get to know them and their surroundings before things start happening.

In the topic about my story, you said your critiques were short because you've "been trained to write things in as few words as possible"...I hear you...as a Technical Writer, I have to be as efficient with words as possible...but efficiency doesn't always mean less words, less substance, or less experience...it just means don't use 10 words when 7 will have the same effect. The problem is, if 7 words changes the effect, then use 10.

Ultimately, it seems like you have a good base for a story...characters, world, setting, etc....but this chapter throws too much too fast (too many characters, too much character jumping - from one to the next, and much too much action going on...). I honestly had to really concentrate to figure out what was going on.

Take a section of it...like the first 129 words...and expand THAT scene much more...flesh it out, show us that character and that place...take your time. Pick a scene...and linger there.

Also...just a quick note...don't try to cram too much into one sentence. Random example: 

"The merchant simply shook his head as he walked along, his son slightly ahead of him, towards the buildings at the edge of the field. "

That sentence packs 5 pieces of information: 1) the merchant shook his head 2) he walked along 3) his son was ahead of him 4) he was walking towards the buildings 5) the buildings are at the edge of the field.

Slow it down, break it up, and take your time. The story's not going anywhere...enjoy exploring the characters and environments, even their histories, a bit.

Again...good characters and I think you have the base for a rich story and environment, here.

Okay, my first review on the site...I should point out a couple things...One, I comment on every single thought that comes into my head...primarily because I want to give the writer as much feedback as possible so they can choose what they want (if anything) to use...so PLEASE don't feel discouraged about the number of comments...I just want to make sure I don't cheat you...you worked hard to write it, so I owe it to you to work hard to review it...Two, I have not read any of the comments on this post...I wanted to just review it without being guided by other reviews...after this one, I will try to keep up with the discussion thread... but you get to be my first, Jason...sorry

On to the feedback:

PROLOGUE

1.  In the Prologue, you have the character refer to his/her experience as "child-like"...for me, this type of description requires an outside perspective the character is not capable of...

2.  A bit later, you use the sentence, "I skip along the treetops, dancing from here to there..." - Honestly, I don't know that you really want the reader seeing your character as so child-like...I would re-think this characterization...this is the character the reader is receiving ALL of their information/story from...I think it is okay for the character/narrator to remember a connection to his child-hood, and it is endearing for a character to be child-like at times (like Zedd in Goodkind's books), but if we are not given enough of an opportunity to get to know the character's maturity and wisdom at-length, then a powerful child-like trait will become the identifying and overriding feature of character.

3.  The perspective of your Prologue is not true first person...I believe it is second person (because you address the reader as a member of the conversation)...quick notes about second person...it is VERY risky...readers want to be voyeuristic...they don't want to be part of the story, they want to watch it...I would encourage you to consider how the Prologue would be different if you wrote it in true first person...if the narrator/character had NO knowledge of the reader....

4.  This item is just an observation - not really a criticism...If you are targeting a fantasy/sci-fi audience, the book will be approached by a specific audience with specific expectations...and the Prologue is the first part they will read...to this point, the feel of the Prologue isn't making me think of your target genre...using terms like "hyperbole" (literary term in a literary work is hard to do) seem like they don't fit...also, the term "gas giant" seems to miss the feel...often, fantasy is associated with Medieval level tech/knowledge...did they know stars were gas giants at the time?)

5.  At one point, you use the description "countless, countless..." - double words that do not add to a quantitative description should be avoided (for example, "very, very..." communicates a higher level of measurement than "very..." but "countless, countless..." does not)

6.  A note about the end of the Prologue...it makes me expect to read the first chapter in first person, as if I AM Aric...then when we switch to third-person limited, I feel like I'm reading the wrong thing...

CHAPTER 1

1.  At one point, you wrote "The green of his eyes shined in the dark; tiny sources of light on their own." the last part, tiny sources of light on their own, is not needed...you do a good job of showing us with "the green of his eyes shined in the dark..."

2.  After that, you wrote: "There was a knock at the door. Good, he thought. He could blame his
interrupted practice on the intruder rather than on his own inability to
properly concentrate."  ----- What would this look like if you used the italics method to re-write and internalize this part...it is a great opportunity to help us get to know Aric...

3.  A general note...a few times you use phrases like "this took a couple of minutes" or "Minutes later..."...instead of telling the reader about the passage of time, experiment with different ways to give them a sense of the passage of time...sometimes this can be done by mentioning something like a candle in the cabin, then noting it is burned half-way when he is done dressing...sometimes it can be done by the way the story is structured (pace of the writing/reading...a break in chapters...etc.)...a writing professor once told me you don't have to include everything in the story...just make sure the reader gets the right "sense of it"...if that is conveyed, then you've done your job.

4.  I feel like the entire dressing "scene" can be reduced to a paragraph...perhaps more to discuss the ceremonial sword issue...but that's about it. Covering each step in so much depth slows the pace of the chapter - something you don't want to do too much of early on in the novel when you're trying to draw the reader in...

5.  I have to mention this because it is exactly what I do in my writing! you write:  "One hundred and forty ships, and he, the King's personal Ambassador, would carry His Lordship's message and vision to the natives of the Islands." -------------  Just use either message or vision, but not both...the same point is conveyed to the reader, but the statement is more powerful and clean.

6.  Excellent sentence!!!..."Aric knew he stood a striking figure in this armor." ---- Maybe even make it "his armor." The sentence is a powerful way to convey Aric's arrogance to the reader (if that is what you're going for) without telling the reader he is arrogant.

7.  Okay...at some point in this chapter, I think you changed Aric's character on me...maybe a bit more of what is later in the chapter should be covered earlier??? not sure...but the sense I got in the first half of Aric (perfectionist navy man, military minded, and arrogant) is much different than the sense in the second half of Aric (out of place civilian in a naval situation, strong desires related to showing his worth as opposed to already feeling worthy, etc.).

8.  When Thomes spoke up, you said Aric thought it was bold. I would say you need to do a bit more to show the atmosphere is tense or one of obedience so that I "feel" that Thomes is being bold as opposed to him telling me...then, you can skip telling me it is bold and have Aric's inner admiration of the man contrast the reader's sense of apprehension that this man did that (the reader would expect repercussions but get admiration...)

9.  The section that begins, "Suddenly, there was a deep..." and goes until the break has an excellent pace! read this section and compare it to the rest of the chapter...the whole thing doesn't have to be the same pace, but it is beneficial to note the difference and think of why it feels different...

10.  After the break, you tell us what happened to the boy...this was not a question I was asking and it actually made me stop and go, "wait...what boy?"...if it doesn't add to the story (does the boy matter?), cut it.

11.  At one point, you tell us about Berart and Pellis' relationship (they are closer than they appear...?)...I would suggest you let us figure this out for ourselves as we observe the characters interacting throughout the novel rather than tell us...if they will not interact enough for us to figure it out, do we really need to know, anyway?

OVERALL IMPRESSION

I'm in...I want to know about the island, I want to see how Aric's character interacts with a crew that seems doomed to take a position contrary to his goals, and I want to see Aric exploring the island...

I don't really feel like I know Aric enough, yet...there is some conflicting character traits in the chapter (maybe)...this could simply be because it is one chapter in...but it feels like you started writing with one character in mind and that character evolved into a different character by the end of the chapter....which is something I accidentally do as well...the challenge is deciding which one you want Aric to be and then re-writing the chapter to show THAT character consistently throughout.

Good job!!! (Sorry about the length of the review...)

Okay...I guess it's time for me to throw a bit of background down...I'll try to keep it to writing-related information...mostly...

Well, first off - you all can call me Kevin or deckacards. I'm not worried about it. I'll respond to both...and numerous other less than desirable names. I'm 31, married (second) with children, and desperately longing for a life filled with writing.

My B.A. is in English but I'm currently pursuing a dual master's in Marriage and Family Therapy and Community Counseling (I actually get to start seeing clients this Summer as an intern!). During my undergrad, I studied various forms of writing (Creative, Technical, Professional, Essay, Journalism, etc.) and spent a bit of time as a writing tutor. For the past 5 years, I've made a living as a Technical Writer for a bank software company (basically, I write instruction manuals).

I love short stories (especially John Updike and Flannery O'Connor), my favorite novel of all time is Catcher in the Rye, but by far my favorite genre to read is fantasy. I would quickly volunteer Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time (of course) as my favorite fantasy experience, but Melanie Rawn's Dragon Prince series was a wonderful read as well. And, if pressed and backed violently into a corner, I would have to say I enjoyed Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth in between Wheel of Time novels. Finally, my middle school librarian hooked me on literature forever when she suggested Robin McKinley's Hero and the Crown and The Blue Sword. Mom and Dad can blame her for steering me away from a more lucrative profession for the rest of my life (in addition to dooming them to depend on Social Security for their retirement plans...).

I love movies (Gladiator, American Beauty, Transformers, Sense and Sensibility, etc.), and for 162 games a season, I border on idol worship with the St. Louis Cardinals (hence the corny username - deckacards).

Thank you all for giving me the chance to improve my writing. I'll do the best I can to provide as much useful feedback as I can for all of you as well.

Thanks! (wow...that was long...sorry...)