Timewaster's Guide Archive

Hey Pipe, thanks for your comments.  I wasn't too sure with Saul's part.  I wanted to stay with some of the Epic fantasy tropes, but kinda give it a different spin.  Who we see them to be now  isn't what most would expect them to be later on.

Well I've got no problems with tropes It's more that it might be better if you start with a part that shows more of the spin, rather than the tropes.

* Is that the end of the chapter? Or just a segment?
It is what I had in mind to end the chapter.  Do you think this might be a bad place to stop?

Not bad per se, but lacking the oomph that would push me into the next chapter (or to purchasing the book). The end to Jo'hon's segment might prove better - but then, that segment would be a good place to start too so...

No worries, thanks for making the effort Let's just cross our fingers that it get in ^_^

Late Live-Commenting here (ignoring particular spelling/grammar stuff for the most part):

* Some tense inconsistency at the start.  The cat looked up seconds before impact. It had time to snarl, but it would not have time to dodge the blow.
* Bit of POV confusion in the start as well. Sentences like this one are a bit iffy to me: Cindle jumped at the sound of leaves rustling in a faint breeze, before Drynn heard it snarl. Nothing technically wrong, but on first impression it seams the first part is in Cindy's head giving the reason for her action before shifting to Drynn.
* Bit too blow-by-blow-ish so far. A bit more introspection as to what Drynn is feeling might help.
* “What were you thinking of?" - dropping the "of" could make it have more impact. Or maybe "What in [insert setting appropriate curse word] were you thinking?"
* Drynn shrugged helplessly. He had moved purely on instinct; doing the first thing that had come to mind to help Cindle, -- a bit inconsistent since technically if he acted on instinct, he didn't act on the basis of his mind.
* “I’ll just go wash it off. Is there a stream around here that will not attack me?” - I liked that line a lot.
* "pressed down and pulled up at the same time" - not really possible I think, from how the scene is painted: more like, in rapid succession.
*  As he stared into it, he chanced upon a random memory: - it doesn't seem random since it relates to his current situation.
* he didn’t know about Cindle’s part in it, - why would Tayvin know that in the first place? Isn't it still something only Drynn and Cindle know?
*     Drynn already decided that he could not leave Cindle behind knowing what danger her clan faced and now she had made her case stronger with her efforts to protect him from the panther, but even as he told her that he would leave it to Tayvin to decide he knew that Tayvin would object. He cared too little for the dwarves to even consider allowing his people to think him a goblin prisoner or worse just to help them. He had shown that the day he told Drynn about the war to begin with. Drynn was sure this disregard rooted from misunderstanding, but the point remained. - this is, I think, a very important turning point in the story so far. I think you might want to develop/emphasize this with more than just one paragraph worth of exposition.
* It was easier then verbalizing the lie. - I like this.
* You know, I keep trying to place my finger on what's making the prose a bit off for me, and (while this may be purely a matter of style) it seems you tend to place one or two more words in a sentence or phrase than I would think is necessary: "thinking of?" "He even tried " "Tayvin crouched down" "never stopped ranting for a moment," "Drynn listened silently" etc. Also, I think that the atmosphere of the narrative might be aided by a few more commas - some sentences seem to "rush" forward even if they aren't strictly run-on sentences.
 * Dream scene was well done. The conversation seemed to flow more naturally than that between the main characters.
* Drynn let her talk because he knew when she stopped; he would be forced to defend himself. - I liked this.
* a typical shepherd, but to the elves he was quite a thing to look at. - does Drynn know that what he's seeing is a shepard at this point?


All in all, I still like Drynn, but I think I need to see more of the dynamic of the group as a whole. I'd like to see more of Tayvin and Cindle arguing, as the personalities of both have yet to solidify for me. As I said, I liked the dream sequence, but just be careful when using it as an expository tool - since the dreams are clear and vivid, with the speakers identified, if you're not careful it might become an infodump.

Thanks for sharing

Thanks so much for reading Frog

* I simplified the first blurb a bit. Also changed the title of the show from "Face to Face" to "Face to Face with Carmen" so at least readers will know its her show.

* Simplified some of the sentences in the first part and removed the "dig a little deeper" line

I'll try to simplify and "show" things more during my next edit - like you I'm more a novel guy than a short-story guy... but the market here is almost exclusively for short stories, so I've had to adapt a bit; not always an easy thing... the tendency to tell rather than show is probably a remnant of me still feeling a tad constrained by the form.

I'm really glad you thought it was fun though -- was afraid it'd be too dry. And yes, always watch your back around a Xerox. @_@

[Repasted from the email]

Hi everyone,

Here's my first submission: it's a stand-alone short story I'm planning to submit to a local publication by the end of the week.

GENRE: Science-Fiction - I wanted to try something outside my usual comfort zone.
POV: Third person, multiple POV's - again, something different from what I'm comfortable doing, but how else do we grow as writers eh?
LENGTH: Approximately 4500 words - I'm sorry it went over the limit, but as this is a complete short story with three parts, I just couldn't cut it in a way that wouldn't affect how the entire thing would read.

---

OPTIONAL CONTEXT: The piece is set in my home country of the Philippines, and while I don't think familiarity with the Philippines is necessary at all to weigh the story on its merits, I thought I'd provide some bullet-point details here for those who want to know what facts I would assume a local reader would know (and which would color his/her reading of the piece): [For the purposes of the story, even if it is set in the future, I presume a lot of these elements remained the same]

* We're a democracy with a weak party system, with the 'majority' party frequently being a coalition of parties which support the current President.
* While there are President-Vice President tickets, it it possible for the winning President and the winning Vice President to come from different tickets/parties. (Unlike in the US where, if the President wins, his Vice President automatically becomes the VP.)
* Politics in the country is largely personality-based rather than platform-based.
* Many celebrities become politicians, and many politicians are treated like celebrities.

---

Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this,

- Pipe

I am a big believer in the concept of ‘it’s not what you do but it is how you do it,’ so go ahead and take something that you love and find a way to make it your own- whether it be elves, dwarves, goblins, dragons or hobbits- and as long as you leave the dice out of it, I will enjoy reading it for many years to come.

I'm with you on that. I think the problem is that it's just harder to make something your own if you're taking on a concept or idea which has been done so often that there is a solid template of it in the head of most people (probably including yourself and potential readers). Not that I'm saying it can't be done, just that it seems to me to be more of a challenge.

A clear example of both the possibility and the difficulty I think of making new stories with old concepts/materials can be seen in the still-ongoing comics of iconic super-heroes like Superman, Batman, Spiderman etc. While it is still possible to make fresh, innovative stories with these characters despite their age and familiarity (see All-Star Superman) the fact that these characters have to regularly go through "shake-ups" (or ret-cons in Spideys case) shows how hard it can be.

when was the last time you read a fantasy that included elves or dwarves that wasn't copying Tolkien? I'd be quite interested in reading it, frankly.

While I only have the first part of the game to base this opinion on, the world of the Witcher stories by Polish fantasy writer Andrzej Sapkowski seems to be one where you do have Tolkienesque elves but a style of tale that is fairly different from the Lord of the Rings.

Jumping in at Chapter 6 after having read your summary. Here goes:

* I think your prose is good - clean and unforced. You seem to know how to put in those "impact" statements (i.e. "He was not a morning person;" " It seemed a man could grow used to anything, in time;" " She wept for a long time.") that can make prose more than just monotonous narration.
* I did get an info-dump vibe from two parts though - the expositions on the sand panthers and the raiders. Maybe preface the information with a reaction to the mention/thought of each? Sort of like you do with the segue into the description of Londalis, which was much better.
* As for the scene with Ilis, I'll go into a bit of detail since you seem to want more feedback on it:
- I found the use of the term 'break up' odd - I'm not sure, but isn't this a modern term?
- I think you got a lot of things right: the snapping with intentional hurtful remarks, the repetition of meaningless phrases for comfort ("I know... I know");
- What was a bit off about it for me was that it seemed... too clean. Too pat. I don't know your characters as well as the others (we're new acquaintances after all ^_^) but if two people have a history and feelings for each other and are both under a lot of stress - sparks tend to fly. Aermyst seemed almost too solicitous and nice, and Ilis a bit too willing to forgive him when - as a killer - at that moment he would stand for exactly what she would feel is wrong with the world. I understand that she'd cry on his shoulder in a moment of weakness, but I suppose I was expecting her to lash out afterward when he said that he too, in effect, was leaving her.

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Moving on, here are couple of minor bits that didn't quite work for me:

Morning light flowed in from a pair of windows directly in front of him, greeting him with their brightness.

- I know brightness is a word and I know what you're trying to say but somehow it didn't quite sound right to me.

predaciously

- Maybe "Predatorily"?

If you still want, I'll mark you down as Irillion."

- Since Aermyst introduced himself as Irillion, what else would he be marked down as?

"I would indeed," replied Aermyst amiably. "Coincidentally, this very caravan is traveling there this instant! Imagine my shock and surprise!" Really, the man could be quite irritating at times.

- A bit confused as to who said the statement starting with "Coincidentally..." by form it would e Aermyst but it sounds more like Tristan.

smiling that face of his.

- I just pictured a mouth that had a face. *shudders*

Tristan only smiled; a friendly, chilling smile. "Keep your eyes open, Aermyst."

It was complete instinct that found Aermyst clutching the grip of his new-forged sword, slung at his hip.

- With regard to the first, I just can't see how a smile can be both friendly and chilling. If its meant to be paradoxical (something to the effect that the smile seemed friendly, but Aermyst nevertheless felt a chill) maybe it might help if that were a bit clearer...

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All in all a really good, polished job I think. Thanks for sharing!