HA! finally got to it. I apologize for taking so long...
As usual, I really liked the prologue. I would even suggest trimming it down a bit to make it even more effective.
It is simply up to us to
choose whether or not to follow it, and brave the uncharted
portions.
Let us return to Aric once more. He is as lost as the child
I once was, but has no map that he can see. No kind grandmother
to comfort him and kiss his insecurities away.
Perhaps some men must write their own maps afterall.
Sink now into him. Feel the chill breath of the ocean upon
our skin....
Aric
In my opinion you should actually delete the red parts and I think it would be quite simply AMAZING.
If the full force of my divine opinion is not enough to sway you...
1. The first red part really doesn't tell us anything we don't already know. I think every single point of view from this mage guy has led into Aric's POV. And the bit about where he has no map is made redundant by the sentence after it. And the very last sentence, while it gives a nice image, is not as strong as the sentence right before it.
It may seem like a minor thing but I feel really strongly about this
Something up in the sky called to him; sang his name. He
searched, turning his face to try and find the source of the
song, but there was nothing. Had he dreamed it?
does he know the mage is watching? that WE are watching?
I want to say again that you are able to paint a very clear image of what is going on. I can see everything very easily.
To me, it looks like you tried to give the writing a sort of drowsy, disoriented feel while Aric was floating in the ocean, but you didn't take it far enough. This is something I personally don't really know how to do, but I've seen it done very well.
atrophied from disuse.
I'm not sure if atrophy is the word you are looking for here. To me, atrophy implies LONG disuse -- weeks, not a day or two. Not absolutely sure on that though
He gasped and sputtered, the salt water overloading his
mouth.
Huh? What does "overloading" mean here? Overpowering his mouth? I don't get it.
The scene on the beach took a page or two to really get started, but it was very well executed. Him clawing into the mud, and then getting up, and the shadow of the floating mountain falling on him...very nice.
As he stared in wonder, he saw it was still high
enough to be utterly out of reach to him. As well try to get to
the moon.
This doesn't really tell us anything. When I started reading your description I had already assumed it was hundreds of yards in the air. Then you dispel the false assumption that it was really about to land on him, which I don't think anyone would have thought, and then you say getting to the moon is just as easy, which takes me in the other direction. I understand that getting to the moon is just an expression, but now I have to wonder how high up is it really?
A long explanation for why I didn't like two sentences, but there you go.
The bit where Aric is finding bodies didn't really connect with me that well. He already knew the entire Fleet had been destroyed. I don't think seeing a few bodies would spark such a primal reaction from him. Also, he is a high-ranking naval officer. He has surely seen death before, and the massive scale of this catastrophe would be more likely to provoke numbness, in my opinion.
From what we've seen of Aric so far, it seems like he would be a man to cling to formalities in a time like this. I liked that you had him give the dead people a formal burial. I just wanted to add though that you could use this as a chance to introduce to us a bit further the religion of the Empire. (It is an empire, right?
)
Now, a thousand leagues and half the world away from its
origin, Aric held one of two that he had won.
Interesting. Very interesting. I sense a story here
It was like trying to walk a razor
narrow path while carrying a huge bundle.
Sentence feels a bit awkward. Maybe take out the narrow? But that's just a quick and dirty fix, I'm sure you can think of something better.
The energy was not limitless, so he
had to choose wisely when to use it.
Now we understand why he didn't use it a long time ago. I wonder if it can gain power by killing other creatures, like the sword did.
"Kaa-Shtaa," he chanted
...and that was utterly unexpected. Perhaps a tad dissapointing? I had no inkling that your magic was language-based. Obviously this is your world and you know it best, but is the chanting really important? Unless you have something that makes it different from other language-based magic systems used in other books, I would seriously consider taking it out. Its common enough to become a trope/archetype in itself, and is used quite often.
The cold returned, and it
took a long time before Aric found the will to begin rubbing
sticks together.
Very nice line.
On the second attempt at the sticks, his flame held, and he
finally set his fire. He curled around the rising fire, his
body convulsing with bone-aching chill.
WILSON!!!!!
Given all the great concluding sentences packed into this submission, your final lines fall a bit flat. But only compared to what you've just shown us. I really enjoyed this read.
ABOUT THE WATER: Hum. It didn't become an issue for me until I glanced at Ravenstar's post halfway through your submission...I don't know if I would have thought of it on my own. Sorry, I know that isn't much help to you