Timewaster's Guide Archive

It's an good beginning. The is an interesting story here and I'd like to read more.  You have taken time to consider the difference between real weapons trauma and manga/anime violence.  Also, you weren't afraid to have wounds bleed.  Though I wonder just how many gallons the lance guy was packing?  Maybe he was doping?  Kail seems to think a bit too, that's always a positive sign in a character.

LOL, did I overdo the blood? Would a shot from a Desert Eagle, at close range, through the heart, not bleed that much? Kail doesn't know this in the scene, but the only reason Lance didn't drop the second he was shot is because he possesses supernatural abilities.  I toyed around with Lance throwing one of those men a few dozen yards across the room.

I was a little disconcerted by the beginning of Ellie's chapter.  It seems that the encounter with Kail needs to be moved.  It it were told from Kails perspective BEFORE he gets to work, or if it were a flashback for ellie it might work better. As it is I have to wonder if it was really him.  A leap back in chronology to catch the reader up on a character works, if it is further along in the story.  But when you are first introducing a new character you want to embed her in the right chronological order as much as possible.

I worry that Chapter Two is too boring for a 2nd Chapter. I like it and it sets up things later on but I sometimes wonder if I should just get rid of it. Chapter Four starts off back at Ellie's house with the goons in suits knocking on her door and things go pretty bad for her. I wonder if it would make a better Chapter Two.

Kail is unnaturally calm.  I've worked in a call center, and the fluff bunnies who live for the next vampire flick don't tend to be the type to notice the details in a firefight or manage to deal with a friend bleeding out, without a bit of panic and hysteria.  The shock response is usually a bit more incapacitating.  But that's just my opinion.

Unnaturally calm works for Kail. I hope its not too unrealistic but there are a lot of reason why I don't see Kail panicking like your average teenager. His mother is ex-special ops and teaches kung fu, Kail has learned martial arts since he was six. It's the kind where coming back form class with a split lip is no big deal. His parents are also both into guns and he's been around them and shooting them since a young age, he isn't gun shy.

Also, this isn't he first time a man has died in his arms like that. Kail watched his own father die after being shot as well. (Damn, and now that I remember that I might need to make some changes to chapters one and three, it would probably bring back memories).

BTW, this paragraph in Chapter Three:
"The second item was something uber. It was made of a wolf something and I’ll describe it later."
Is kind of just a place holder for me. I've been trying to think of something to put there and haven't come up with anything yet. I was spending too much time thinking about it and just wrote past it. Basically, there is an item that's been crafted from some part of a supernatural wolf. A tooth, a claw, something. I just haven't decided what yet.

The tricky part is that it has to come from a wolf (a giant wolf actually), I want it to do something useful, but it isn't enchanted. One idea is that maybe its just something that's scent alone would cause fear in animals (protecting him from beasts) or cause other wolves to treat him like an alpha or something. Still working on it.

Anyway, thanks for all of the comments, They are very helpful!

Nice story! I read a lot of short stories in books that I pick up. Usually I'll pick up a book with a dozen or so and read 3 or 4 of them, maybe half. As is this is one I would have read first. I liked the concept and story very much.

Some improvements that I think could be made:

1. When they capture Mithra the action seems broken to me. I was waiting to see Mithra's reaction to having the net thrown on him, even if its just saying that he fell down. I wondered where Hassan was hiding etc.

2. Veresh's plan seem awkward. He's been watching Mithra for days, I would assume planning on how to capture and use him but his first actions are to try to kill him by stabbing him, then my choking him. I understand he is angry but it just makes him seem like a fool, trying to kill the thing he needs to lead him to his goal.

3. I like the ideas you use with the oaths but the logic of the oaths at the end seems flawed to me, maybe it's just the wording. I didn't like how he just claimed Anarax's power. I guess I was waiting for more of an oath to be involved, something like: 'grant me your power and I swear to use it to destroy the gods' type of thing.

4. I did feel a little cheated with the ending. I really disliked the losing consciousness part and I was waiting to see Rashne suffer. Also, I think maybe in the ending there was too much tell and not enough show. I'd like to see more conflict between those two. Rashne raped and killed his wife, I want more then just Veresh telling him to die.

I only play one game, Shadowrun, the best FPS ever!

But it's always more fun to have people to play with. My tag is Shoby187. It's funny, I actually don't play on the 360. Shadowrun is a game where I can play on vista against people on 360.

I really like the story.

The whole time I read it I had the impression that this was a wolf that turned into a man and not a man that turns into a wolf. Meaning, this creature was born and raised as a wolf then at some point began turning human.

I agree about the secret, It feels off. I think a phrase like that being used in the story would be good, just not that one. Something else that says that the wolf knows he's different.

Erik: Submission dates are every Monday (you're by no means obligated to submit every week). When you want to submit for a given week, let me and Chaos know by posting so in this thread by the Saturday previous to when you want to submit.

We ask you to post a couple of days in advance so that we can keep tabs on how many people submit a week; we don't want to overload everybody with a dozen submissions in a week.

So far we haven't had to turn anybody down because of too many submissions in a week (if we have to start doing that, we'll be favouring those who haven't submitted in a while), but either way, after you post here saying you want to submit, Chaos and/or I will reply and let you know.

Ah, ok. Well I have a book that I have about 5 chapters written for. I would love some feedback on them whenever I can get a turn.

Can I get added to the list? I wouldn't mind helping to critique on Monday.

Hey everyone,

I am currently working on my first novel. I like to think that its sort of Roger Zelazny-Amberish, It's about two kids out of high school that travel to various fantasy worlds via a magic sword.

Anyway, I love the idea of this writing group and was wondering if I could be added to the list. My email address is:
 

Thanks!

Hope its not too late to jump into this thread but here are some of my favorites:

#1 (by a large margin) The Chronicles of Amber by Roger Zelazny.
-I probably re-read this series every year, I never get tired of it (and I've played and run more Amber RPG's then any other, I just love the setting).

#2. Everyone has already mentioned Mistborn and Elantris. Both are great.

#3. The Vlad Taltos books. The first one is Jhereg and its great. Each one is a standalone book. They are like mobster stories set in a high powered fantasy world. Vlad is a minor mob boss and assassin.

#4. The Vampire Earth books. This is the best series that no one has heard of. IMO the protagonist is the truest hero I've ever read about. A Vampire-type race from another world has enslaved the planet and turned the population into cattle. The protagonist is part of one of the small groups of resistance.

#5. Valliant. I just finished this one and was really impressed. A high school girl runs away from home when she catches her boyfriend cheating on her with her mom. She ends up staying with some other kids on the street in the city. Her and another girl run into a Troll and she is forced to serve the troll for a month to free her friend.