Timewaster's Guide Archive

I'm glad you were able to find some of it helpful! I really don't like being harsh and was a bit worried....

As far as grit... well mostly it was you spent a LOT of time focused on the nudity of the boys especially with Jin and his developing manhood. Now I'm a nurse and you are not about to make me blush, but really I am just not that interested. It just be that I am not your chosen audience (it happens, especially since I read like a girl and am usually drawn to the lighter fantasy) but if you want my advice I wouldn't tell you to cut it out as it seems to be a ligament conflict, but I would tone it down and be a tad more subtle.

The problem I had with the girls was that there just wasn't much to them. The best way I can think to discribe it is that the boys seemed to have full characters even within this small section but the girls only seemed to be there to serve a function and that function was to ogle or torment the boys as the case may be. One particular line that bothered me was from the younger girl when she declared she would not sleep with the MC for bad behavior. I am not sure of her exact age but assuming that she was close to the MC, it made her seem over the top perverted and reflected poorly on her mother's example, where as with the boys we actually got something beyond the overactive sex drive. Now having a few characters like that wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but they wouldn't be characters I would personally want to spend a lot of time with, as I would only see them in a negative light. I am all for a character having faults (for example I had no problem with the fact that Jin was very introspective and in 'pity me' mode at this point, even if it made him seem more like a teen than a child), but I really need to respect them in some level in order to root and stick with them through the long haul.

Good luck.

Ew....
I nominate Chaos to take care of any and all biting. 

Besides... we ARE weird.

Speak for yourself. My therapist says I am showing a lot of improvement!

I guess I missed it when you officially decided to sneak in. Welcome!

Please be harsh. Please??? I hate it when people think that they need to spare my feelings. I'd much rather have you guys tear me to pieces and me get better than just have you say, "Yeah, looks pretty good."

Um... have you looked at the group at all? That is pretty much all we do. Rip you up and spit you out and most people run home crying for mercy after a week or two. I'd be careful about asking us to be harsher.

So it looks pretty good. You have some good action working for you and grammar-wise it is pretty clean. The problem was that you didn't give us any real setting or character and it really felt rushed. I'd like to have some emotional attachment to the MC in the first chapter and you really didn't give me much outside of his current situation. A lot of your descriptions were vague and very telly. Try for a few more specifics without the commentary. And I actually think you may be starting too late. Setting up the initial scene with the merchants would help a lot IMO.

So yeah, good action and I'm interested. Keep it coming.

Maybe if you want to revitalize it, you should actually critique a time or two. *hint, hint, nudge, nudge.*

 

And here it is.

"Thought while Reading" shall be winging its way to you. Seems it is really easier to do comments on the page then to pull up another window.

Anyway, overall stuff. I actually wasn't all that excited by it. You've told us already what was going to happen, so that could be the majority of the problem. It is a really nice concept, but a lot of it seemed like you were rambling/infodumping and the conversation seemed a bit forced for our benefit. It isn't a bad scene it just needs lots of tightening up when you get to revisions. And I actually felt that you needed to foreshadow the killing of the priest a bit more, even just showing us that the king has a knife or something. Right now I was getting resignation and depression from him, but no initiative making him seem a tad bit shitzo to suddenly have a calculated, cold-blooded killing.

As far as character goes, I wanted to like the king and may yet be persuaded to, but I don't know.... He is protecting his child from a cold-blooded execution by having several others committed, even one he has the gall to call a 'friend.' He is logically and efficiently carrying out an emotionally based decision and it struck me as off.  I guess I just wanted some more passion, some more attempts to negotiation and for you to show me more proof that this really was his last, desperate option. Though it could just be me.

Good luck. Keep it coming.

I didn't get it either... which is weird since I got Andrew's just fine...

I'm sad. No submissions at all this week?

Yeah, it is kind of odd, but I suppose you could always use this opportunity to catch up on the older stuff...