Thoughts while Reading:
Okay, I am seeing a lot of 'I did this' and 'I did that' sentence structure. Try to very it a bit more.
Good dialogue here, but you really need to tag it or break it up by action or something.
'She was the proper demur maiden now. Eyes downcast, head bowed, hands over her heart; how could I tell her no?'
Wait... she was acting like a proper maiden, so he couldn't say no to taking her to a village where they were going to kill her? Seems a little odd...
And now the dialogue is sounding a bit too old English on his end. "I could not allow that nor...?" I guess I don't know enough about these characters to know there background, but I guess it is coming off as a little inconsistent.
I don't think I really understand why it would be safe for her to come back now, but maybe it is just a weird custom that is supposed to confuse both of us (Jason and me).
Okay, break seems a little off. I mean, it looks like it would make more logical since to break it when they finish talking for the night, rather than in the middle of it all.
Angel seems like a rather convenient name for her to have...
Besides some mundane camping action, chp 20 just seems more of the same stuff about Jason lusting over Angel. Personally, I would cut it all together.
Where the pointy end goes...
You really don't need to give us Jason's thoughts on
everything. Pick your favorites, then let the rest of the action/dialogue around him stand by itself, or use enough description of the event for us to draw the same conclusion Jason did. It will have the same effect, and flow a bit better.
zenith, that's a new one!
Angel hair? Duh! didn't he just meet someone that was so conveniently named Angel?
Characters are coming off a little inconsistent to me, or maybe just a bit rushed in the transition? Like Angel. You kept telling us that she was proper, but then running off after some unknown stranger isn't a very proper thing to do...
Overall impression:
I personally felt that the pacing needs the most work. Not that it needs to be longer or shorter per say, but that you can cut down a few scenes and then add a lot more description, life and color to the ones you have left rather then just Jason thought this or did that (not that I don't like Jason, because I do, and I am pulling for him, I just want more of the rest of the world). But the story still seems to be coming right along so good work.
Oh, and to answer your questions, I thought that we were on earth in the last chunk, but it didn't take me very long to figure out we weren't in this one. And I felt you hit the 'she looks like my wife' concept over the head with a sledge hammer.