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Messages - MKDV

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Reading Excuses / Re: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« on: January 31, 2010, 07:58:37 PM »
Well, I guess what I was suggesting is that the speaker should figure out on his own (rather than being told) that the dragon has affected these major events in his life.

The following is an example of the dialogue that makes this story feel moralistic, cautionary tale-ish:

"Look at the place where you live, mortal! Have you not been paying attention? Bad things happen, everywhere, to everyone! You live in a crucible. Its heat shapes you, and either it destroys your impurities or it destroys you. I can't stop it; I can only shift the bad around so it doesn't hurt as much. You should accept your place, and what you have been given."

My thought is that, by leaving this kind of dialogue/narrative out, you are giving the reader something to think about (rather than telling them him what to think about).

And then my thought is that you should end on a concrete note (ie. my suggestion of ending with the image of the dragon's tail wrapped around the speaker's granddaughter's neck), and toss out the sentimental narration (as below):

"Was it a sick man's hallucination? Was the dragon ever real?

Would I trade the life I have lived for one without the gifts the dragon gave me, and without the damage it did?

I still don't have an answer. More importantly, I can't answer for you. I'm writing this to warn you, for I doubt the dragon will. Know that if you wish upon a dragon, there will come a balance due. Make your choice in light of the knowledge that you are but trading one ill for another.

Thank you for a wonderful life. I love you all, and hope that, whatever you choose, you can find peace."

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Reading Excuses / Re: 25 Jan 2010 - ryos - To Wish Upon a Dragon
« on: January 28, 2010, 09:41:33 PM »
Hi there! This is my first time critiquing on this website. I think the story is good, but I do have a few suggestions. The surprise-letter ending was not a problem for me. I think you could keep that.

My main suggestion is kind of a big one--I think that most readers are turned off by works that finish with an overarching, moralistic assertion. I know you'd have to revise a good chunk of the piece if you decided to take my advice. I just wonder if there's a way to be more subtle about the realization that the dragon (if it exists) has been behind the speaker's key life events. I think that you could take out the scene during which the speaker converses with the dragon in his dream--or you could even keep it, but let the dragon reveal some clue that eventually leads the speaker to the discovery of the dragon's influence over his life (instead of telling the reader flat out). And once the this realization occurs, just let it sit.

I wouldn't denounce the dragon or make any sort of bold, moralistic statement. That way, when the reader comes to the end of the story and finds out that the speaker is on his death bed--I think it's far more compelling for the speaker to be conflicted, rather than telling a cautionary tale. If he tells the story of his life's involvement with the dragon without any judgments or sentimental filler, the conflict will be much cleaner. He could finish the story with that moment in which he's lying on his death bed. He's looking at each member of his family (and, the implication would be, thinking about what he would and wouldn't have if he had never met the dragon), and then his family leaves the room--he knows that's the last time he'll ever see them--and at the last moment he notices the dragon's tail wrapped around his granddaughter's neck. [End of story.]

Beyond that, I think there are a few fantasy[archaic language] cliches you should stay away from--"I am bound to set it aright," "there will come a balance due," etc.

Thanks for taking the time to consider my suggestions. I look forward to reading more in the future!


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Reading Excuses / Re: Your Background
« on: January 22, 2010, 03:01:03 AM »
Hi. My name is Mary. I'm 25. I live in Atlanta. I recently graduated from the University of Michigan with an honors thesis in creative writing. My thesis was a book of poetry, though--it's been a while since I've tried to put so many words on a page. I'm working on my first book, a fantasy about a young man who gets recruited into a secret order of guardians who protect the world. I decided to join the workshop because I wrote about 25,000 words then lost confidence and hit a wall. I think I need a fresh eye. And I've been through a bunch of workshop courses, so hopefully I can be of help to someone too!

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