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Reading Excuses / Re: December 27, LTU, The Canticle and the Forge (third draft) Chapter 4
« on: December 28, 2010, 12:03:48 PM »
First off, I'm going to point out that this is the first chapter I read of your book, so things are probably going to be more difficult for me, since I'm missing a large quantity of material.
My, what a hefty chapter that was!
Now, the one thing that emerges in my mind after reading it is confusion, especially in the two combat scenes where I have a really hard time knowing what's going on.
Some sentences did seem to plop out from nowhere. For instance, the cake comment in the middle of a battle? Even if it has been setup before, putting it here only pulls the reader out of the battle scene.
Aside from the very end, this is a single sequence with no break (you might want to add some), and the transitions between sub-scenes do appear as very abrupt (there is a attack on the village, the attack stops, and right then, it's off to the trial?). I would have liked smoother transitions (or scene breaks at least).
Now, from a character point of view, I found it hard to believe that the protagonist wouldn't think about his trial until after the attack on the village was done. I even think that the impending trial would have an effect on his behavior during the battle (he might have gone to prove that he was useful, or tried to get himself killed, or something else). Yet, not even a single thought on the matter until after the attack is over.
On a side note, you might want to do some research on riding apparel for disabled people. I have a hard time believing that you can grab any mount , and have it working without some sort of device to help the rider stay in (there have to be balance issues to solve at least)
My, what a hefty chapter that was!
Now, the one thing that emerges in my mind after reading it is confusion, especially in the two combat scenes where I have a really hard time knowing what's going on.
Some sentences did seem to plop out from nowhere. For instance, the cake comment in the middle of a battle? Even if it has been setup before, putting it here only pulls the reader out of the battle scene.
Aside from the very end, this is a single sequence with no break (you might want to add some), and the transitions between sub-scenes do appear as very abrupt (there is a attack on the village, the attack stops, and right then, it's off to the trial?). I would have liked smoother transitions (or scene breaks at least).
Now, from a character point of view, I found it hard to believe that the protagonist wouldn't think about his trial until after the attack on the village was done. I even think that the impending trial would have an effect on his behavior during the battle (he might have gone to prove that he was useful, or tried to get himself killed, or something else). Yet, not even a single thought on the matter until after the attack is over.
On a side note, you might want to do some research on riding apparel for disabled people. I have a hard time believing that you can grab any mount , and have it working without some sort of device to help the rider stay in (there have to be balance issues to solve at least)