By the way, day on this world (for newer readers) equates to 5 of our days before the three suns actually set. Night lasts just as long. So everyone goes to sleep at the end of the huuk, and wake up at the start of the next one.
Really? I didn’t know this, when did you show this, because I might have missed it. I’m going to jump on this little revelation about your setting for a moment, so indulge me
The effects of three suns, other than the heat, is not something that jumps out at me in your setting. So far I didn’t equate a ‘huuk’ with a period within a day that takes five of ours. We see the world mostly by ‘day’, not night. Knowing a night takes five of our days as well it makes the fear of the darken more understandable, but it also makes apparent some problems.
I’ve looked back at Anaiah 1:5, where it’s also night. The tribe has a campfire and torches. I suppose the fear of darken will make them want to keep the fire burning all night...which means for five days straight at a time – what are they using for fuel? How many torches do they have? Is it wood? But weren’t they in a desert? Now I realize there are many types of desert, but there can’t be that many trees or bushes around to keep fires going for so long.
I’d like to see and know more of the setting, because such small things like day and night make the world come alive more.
I feel like I'm missing something that could make this chapter really awesome.
Onto the chapter itself. I think I can see what you mean by something being missing. I hate to sound like a broken record, but what it’s missing in my opinion is action. The chapter is some 6700 words long and what happens is basically Jin going from the arena to a manor. Nothing happens, it’s all passive.
First we get long descriptions of some of the other fighters and their gear, of which I can remember next to nothing. By the time any of those guys has to fight you’ll have to mention the weapons and armour again.
Also, nothing happens during dress up other than Jalean’s kiss, which I felt was too sudden.
All her displays of affection, in this chapter and the last, are too sudden and different from how she acted before. Now if this had been going on longer, some glances here and there, some stray touches, a little late night training, more touches, and then the kiss, this chapter would work better for me. Such an approach would also create a conflict for Jin if he feels uncomfortable with it. Your story needs more conflict, not misery mind you, but conflict. Something the characters can deal with.
Then we get to the manor, where Jalean is surprisingly absent all of a sudden. This is one of the worst places for Jin to be because the chances are higher of her losing him somehow. Why isn’t she supervising the affair, or getting in the girl’s way? Why didn’t she warn Jin that telling the truth about his sponsorship was going to cost him? You’d think she’d have thought of that.
There are a number of things that could spice up this chapter I think, but they all amount to nurturing conflict.
- Repercussions of the dummy. The only one who really suspects is Durm and he’s not telling anyone. Destroying the dummy should have more of a buzz, in Jalean and in her watcher Herme especially. If Jalean suspects it was Jin she should be very worried.
- Whether Herme suspects Jin destroyed the dummy or not (he has no reason to), he might take Jin aside and try to glean from him what’s going on between him and Jalean (as a follow up on last chapter). Such an aside will worry Jalean, and if she suspects Jin is more than he seems, the worries will mount. Worry creates a sense of urgency and that’s what I’m missing mostly.
- Cut down on the walking and the dress up. Nothing happens so it’s not important. You should be increasing the pacing, not slow it down.
With Jin at chapter six, and a similar projected number of chapters for the other three main characters we’re at 24 chapters, averaging 4000 words each (this is generous, because Anaiah 1:5 was around 7000 words and this one 6700).
That’s a story of 96,000 words of ‘beginning’. That number is my biggest fear for this story. Being generous (again) and splitting beginning, middle, and end, in three equal parts that’s a story of 300,000 words before the end. That’s going to be a hard sell, I think.