Okay, so I read it, and I have a file of reaction-notes that I wrote during my read-through, which I will most assuredly paste in here at the end. My thoughts are mixed. I did think the description was solid in most places, and I will agree with both LTU and Dark Prophecy on there being a flow issue. I don't know if I necessarily agree with them on how to solve it, however. The paragraphs sometimes do not logically lead into the idea of the next paragraph, which has me cock my head sideways wondering, "What?" So in my opinion, the problems with the prose are either 1. A sentence here and there of telliness, as the others have pointed out, and 2. Paragraphs and ideas in strange positions which don't flow nicely together. Combined, these issues make the piece feel choppy. Though thinking back, I don't
dislike your prose. It is better than our initial reactions imply, I think. It just needs tightening.
I just realized that apparently, whenever we get new blood around here we question your prose a lot. Sorry about that
It's habitual.
The dialogue in the first section is bad. I mean, on one level, if this conversation was at something like a peaceful conference room and then Black Rose cuts off the conversation with killing them all, that would excuse the mediocre dialogue, kind of. Worse, however, is that there is no point to have this conversation in a tense section like this (which has the effect of draining all the tension away). The Elders already know they are betrayed, and the Black Rose probably realizes that if they haven't joined her by now, they never will. It would be more realistic if she cut the conversation short and just gave them an ultimatum, then ended it.
As it were, the sealing seems much too easy for the Elders. I got the impression that the Rose was much more powerful than the Elders, though you aren't specific on this note. I'm not sure whether this Citadel of Thorns is the Rose's personal hideout she built because she rebelled and the good guys are attacking her, or (more likely, considering the talk of betrayal) the Black Rose is attacking the Citadel herself, our heroes are defending it, and she is a bada**. Since this latter option seems more likely, I have to wonder why they didn't just do this ritual-thing a lot earlier. Or, you know, why the Rose hadn't killed them already. Or why the Elders didn't kill the Rose. So the piece sort of lacked that grounding which I find essential.
Part of this problem could be that we are given a throwaway viewpoint in Abutilon. Honestly, he isn't doing anything. The Elders help him get past that Wanderer, and the Elders sealed the Black Rose. Abutilon simply doesn't pull his weight. However, I will throw the caveat that I really liked that he sympathized with the Rose. It made her seem less obviously evil because you had the viewpoint character sympathize with her. Good job. I completely expected Abutilon to betray the Elders, which didn't happen. That's okay, but now we are skipping five centuries in the future. Abutilon isn't sealed in there with the Rose (and if he is, we needed to see that from his viewpoint), so he's undoubtedly dead, and I'm wondering why you couldn't have had the viewpoint character be one of the mages who is doing something productive. Or, perhaps better, cutting that sealing scene altogether, because I know we are going to get more on it later in the book. It's the plot seed.
Let's talk about that, actually. The first section had a high learning curve, with all these new terms (this, combined with the bad prose flow, increased confusion). It probably could have been done more effectively. On the other hand, it was fun trying to figure these elements out. By using these terms, you had me focused on those, instead of what lay underneath. This is good because there doesn't seem to be an immense weight of things underneath. The magic at first glance seems interesting, but the "path" things are merely clever distractions to a bland elemental magic system (as I see it, the magic will consist of the four classical elements, plus light and darkness).
And while I like where you are going with the plot--having someone go free the dark, imprisoned force--it also concerns me, too. I want to be proven wrong with the piece's awesomeness. As it stands, it is the standard video game plot (dark evil imprisoned, 500/1000 years later released, heroes go to kill it) only with our viewpoint characters on the side of the villain. It's not that original.
This may be why you are going for the YA audience, because they will be more accepting of that. However, as I read the piece, it screamed adult fantasy. Then again, I don't know the market of YA well, so I am likely wrong
Finally, one last note: your viewpoint characters seem a little one dimensional right now. Typical, standard fare. I'd like to see some depth to them most immediately.
Here are my stream-of-consciousness sort of thoughts for your perusal.
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Each paragraph, in itself, is very good prose. There does seem to be a slight issue of flow between paragraphs, however. For example, on the first page "no matter the friends that died by his borrowed blade" and in the next sentence we are talking about his helmet, instead of his blade. It's a small thing, and perhaps when I read submissions from a new RE author I point out those quirky things when they aren't big deal. There are also some comma issues as well.
It also feels, at some places, a bit telly. Early on you mention that "Being charred to a cinder was no way for a warrior to meet his end". It seems telly for his character. I want to be shown he's a warrior.
This opening definitely has a lot of new terms that make the learning curve fairly high (don't worry, I'm extremely guilty of the same thing). But at first I'm not entirely sure who Abutilon is fighting. When you introduced the Black Rose--coming right off a description of the room--I somehow got the impression that this was the Black Rose's room for some reason, when it later became apparent that the Black Rose is the enemy. So I suppose this is the same as the flow issue, as it is more than occasionally quite difficult to piece things together.
Oh. So now Abutilon and our heroes are the attackers... I had the impression that they were defending it. This could be cleared up significantly, I think.
I'm not buying the dialogue between wisteria and the Black Rose. This does not seem to be a time for talking, it is obviously a time for fighting. Especially since, you know, someone or something is throwing rocks (speaking of which, if a rock knocked off Abutilon's helmet... that is not an easy thing to do. Now, I'm no one with actual fighting experience, but I do like my skull and spine a lot. Were a rock to rip of my helmet, the same force would probably hit my head back in such a way that it kinda breaks my neck. It should hurt like hell, at least. I'm trying to think of an un-painful way to take someone's helmet by throwing rocks at him, and I'm not seeing it)
I think the dialogue here goes way too long before it gets to the point, which loses a lot of tension. But! Abutilon thinking "what if the Black Rose is right" makes her obvious villainy seem... I don't know, better? I'm not sure how to describe it, but by having your main character respect her point of view, things seem less black-and-white. I'm also expecting Abutilon to join her side any time now.
Why does the Black Rose have her face masked? It's common knowledge she was the Thorn of the West. Logically there would be knowledge of her true name, as well as her appearance, so why the charade?
It is a little odd that Abutilon, a warrior, would understand a lot of this business with Paths, because he is no mage, it seems.
It's curious how much reverence Abutilon has for the Rose's side, when he is fighting against her. I don't understand that aspect to his character.
Your paragraph order is utterly baffling. You are being descriptive, yes (which I am sure lethalfalcon will like) but in this second section, it's like, "Describe describe describe" for paragraph one until I realize that oh, we're actually in a fight. It does not jell with me very well. It could be weird in that most all of the time the visuals make absolutely no difference to me. I want to know who is fighting, I want to know clearly what is happening and why. Now, there is obviously room for describing the surroundings, but when they aren't even used, really, I question the value of paragraph long description. It's not serving much to the story at all, and it isn't particularly fascinating, either.
Okay, Rosen is trying to free the Black Rose. This is cool. I really would want to know this a lot sooner in his viewpoint, so I could feel the impact of the fight scene. Without someone to root for (or understand) my mind automatically scans through the action.
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All in all, it is... rough. It's not bad. Quite a bit of the writing is good. I like freeing the dark lord, as it is a fun concept which I have played with before, so that aspect is cool as well. However, I am concerned...
I also question some of your choices. The two paragraph viewpoint switch to Orchid didn't really seem necessary except to list her title in full. Which, uh, might not be the best reason to have a viewpoint. That part ultimately felt superfluous, and was an odd switch. It did not help the matter of the flow.
Lastly, my vote would be to cut the scene of the Black Rose's imprisonment, or at the very least, make that part the prologue in its entirety. It feels weird to split a prologue--something that is before the "main" story--over two immensely different timespans. Rosen's section could easily be Chapter One, as I'm not sure you are going to do a massive time jump once again. More importantly, though, is that seeing the Black Rose being imprisoned does not serve this story you are setting up. Those people we met aren't going to be vital until much, much later, (if at all) and by then I'm not going to recall them by name. You lose nothing by simply starting chapter one with the knowledge that the Black Rose is imprisoned, and Rosen is going to free her. That is this 4400 word scene condensed into a sentence.
I'll stop ranting now
Flower names, you clever devil! Although Abutilon immediately made me think of the drug Albuterol. That kinda made the name suck for me; might for others, too.
Oh, they are flower names? That's probably the single coolest idea in the piece. Unfortunately this subtlety is entirely missed by a math major like me
And Path of Earth? Please tell me your magic system is more then just elemental?
I'll follow up on that note with one more thing: darkness imprisoned, elemental magic... Yeah, it has an immensely strong video game feel on the surface. Deepen it!