I'm not exactly sure where the clearing is in relation to the rest of the city... town... whichever. Aishia says something about the city gates being closed now, but then goes sauntering back home. Is their family stall inside the city gates? Outside? what about the oasis where Aishia found the genie?
Aishia's house is inside, the oasis is outside. I will try to make that clearer though it is not hugely important.
Why did the Bearer magic Aishia home? It wasn't that far. Or did she just do it to impress?
My bad. In my first draft I ended it there, but my other group (yes, I shall continue to blame them for all my troubles, thanks for asking) reminded me I that I needed some closure from her parents before I moved on, so I quickly added some of that stuff and ended up missing a few of those motivations. Thank you.
The lord talking to Raven seems awfully talky for someone about to make a ruling.
Okay. I'll tell him to shut up.
Alternatively, if this is too short/useless, well, I'm sore and allowed to have an off day, so THERE.
You are not! I expect perfect, page long critiques where you question everything down to the very last detail. Until nothing remains of my story but a few scattered fragments... No, actually that would be sad. I guess you're good then.
I was also a little confused at how a street urchin manages to be dating a prince.
A lot of that background/motivation is very significant to the overall plot so I hesitate to reveal it all at once. I do plan to giving it all eventually, but maybe it does need some more details now if you all had a problem with it. I hoped this scene at least showed that whatever motivation Mordin has, it isn't love as he is a bit of a jerk.... Yeah, all these characters are pretty important, so I'll be working on it and anyone else critiquing be sure to give me your 2 cents.
I also second the rest of Silk's comments, although I did have one concern about the Genie/Aishia interaction. It's almost like Aishia tricks the Genie into doing more work than he originally agreed (ala Aladdin). Is she that clever? Is the Genie that dense? Does the Genie have a soft spot, because he seemed pretty selfish to me. I'm just trying to figure out why he would make the pots unless there was some mischief he could channel.
I'm afraid I didn't intend 'cleverness' to have anything to do with that scene. The genie just wanted to do it because he thought it would be fun (certainly different than his usual charges). Not that he isn't selfish, I just wanted to do more with his character and give him a more playful personality. Needs more work to make it believable it seems....
Thank you both so much for reading and, most especially, commenting! You guys are all great and have the best insights!