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Reading Excuses / Re: June 6th - Will777r - Soul Yearning - Chapter 3
« on: June 13, 2011, 02:11:15 AM »
I liked this chapter quite a bit. I liked how Albione reacted to the Priestess-it felt a lot more natural here than in the last chapter, because unlike Charom, Albione doesn't see the Priestess every day. I didn't have a problem with the switch in his reactions taking place after the fight- I can see him so deep in fight the Night Elves mode that he doesn't get awestruck by the Priestess until the tension subsides.
The later parts of the chapter were for me the most interesting segments of story so far, the mystery that is brought up of whether Sir Ferris was in league wit the attackers or situation just happened to work out in a way that made it seem suspicious. And of course the end, where we learn who Albione saved, and what problems it could cause (or fix, as the case may be).
My only complaints were that Albione, like everyone last chapter, was shocked at the idea that the Night Elves would come after the Priestess-it seems obvious that they would, and also that we learn at the end that what Albione did, losing the knight he was assigned to, while saving a Militia man, is really bad, but I have no idea why, and why I should be concerned. Maybe if something about that was added in at some point earlier, such as the first chapter-not so much, but a few details- so we get a sense of how important his duty was and why his actions were problematic.
But the interaction between him and Sir Ferris was very good, and fits well with the setting you've established so far, though I'm not sure why everyone would be staring at him afterward. They all wouldn't know that he saved Benda at the cost of his knight's life, would they? Or is the fact that he saved the man's life shocking enough that everyone started staring?
The later parts of the chapter were for me the most interesting segments of story so far, the mystery that is brought up of whether Sir Ferris was in league wit the attackers or situation just happened to work out in a way that made it seem suspicious. And of course the end, where we learn who Albione saved, and what problems it could cause (or fix, as the case may be).
My only complaints were that Albione, like everyone last chapter, was shocked at the idea that the Night Elves would come after the Priestess-it seems obvious that they would, and also that we learn at the end that what Albione did, losing the knight he was assigned to, while saving a Militia man, is really bad, but I have no idea why, and why I should be concerned. Maybe if something about that was added in at some point earlier, such as the first chapter-not so much, but a few details- so we get a sense of how important his duty was and why his actions were problematic.
But the interaction between him and Sir Ferris was very good, and fits well with the setting you've established so far, though I'm not sure why everyone would be staring at him afterward. They all wouldn't know that he saved Benda at the cost of his knight's life, would they? Or is the fact that he saved the man's life shocking enough that everyone started staring?