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Reading Excuses / Re: 1 - 19 - 09 - jwdenzel - The Gates of Heaven: Prologue - Ch. 1
« on: January 31, 2009, 09:10:34 AM »
I had two at odds thoughts while reading the prologue.
1. wow this is really well written and quite descriptive
2. but for some reason I don't care.
It was as if the flying away from the body of the mage bored me, but approaching the body of Aric finally began to intrigue me. I did love the fact that it began with one person, moved away as far as possible, and then zoomed down upon a different individual.
Overall though it felt wordy, passive, and not until you begin to descend upon Aric was I remotely engaged.
Question: Are there other instances of first person viewpoints where you actually ask questions to the reader again? If so this may tie in quiet nicely, if not it may seem out of place and just not a good fit for the rest of the novel.
The scene where Aric is getting dressed. The Gem seems important and intriguing, getting dressed does not. I know the character is putting on armor, but frankly he is still just getting dressed. Perhaps you dragged this out to emphasize the fact that he is making everyone up on deck wait so he can be fashionably late, but just saying that he is dragging it out would suffice.
If I ever was in a bookstore and a writer began the first chapter of his book by telling me that the character got out of bed, put on his underwear, followed by his socks, then he pulled up and buttoned his pants before pulling his shirt on and tucking it in. Sitting down he pulled on each sock, then tied his tie.
Well I would put the book down. Perhaps describe the pieces of armor you feel are important, (the ornate chest piece and the bit about the gem) and put the rest of the gear on off page.
The king interests me, how he rules interests me, the fact that no one ever gets to see him intersets me, his suggested or implied divinity interests me. I hope I get to learn more of this culture.
The 140 ships being mentioned three times in the span of a few sentences: my first thought was that he's going to tell me he started with 140 ships and now due to rough travels, pirates, and scurvy the fleet is down to 7. But then you just moved on. What was the purpose of mentioning it so many times if all you were doing is telling there were 140 of them? I got that with the first telling. (and damn that is a lot of ships... you going to colonize these islands or invade?)
WHAT HAPPENED IN THE NINE MONTH PRIOR ON THE VOYAGE? Did anything interesting happen? Did Aric really just meditate everyday and give a speech once a month. Surely there was some hardship? Some political intrigue? Maybe there wasn't, perhaps this was the most boring, uneventful 9 month voyage ever (boggle), but I'm curious one way or the other.
Why do they call it the Endless Sea if they believe the world is round? Endless implies that either: 1. you will sail forever and never find anything. Or 2. You will drop off the world at the end. Doesn't it seem that if they had discovered that you would simply circumvent the globe by traversing it that they would have renamed it something else? (this point is probably really nitpicking and should most likely be ignored).
I know its just my crude mind, but everytime I read Pellis I thought Penis.... I know I'm hopless and stupid.
How are they going to get up to the mountain? Tell me already.
Summary: The prologue was beautifully written, but bored me. It reminded me of one of those chapters where for some reason the author feels he must describe the scene to me in agonizing detail for 6 paragraphs before he gets to the good part. I usually find myself skipping such over-reaching descriptions, much as I had the urge to do to the first half of the prologue.
The culture you are creating intrigues me, however the gem in his chest seems a little marvel superhero ish. I am assuming it is a highly important part of the story however, so entirely necessary. To be honest if this was a book I was skimming to decide if I want to keep reading, the answer so far is not really. Something exciting better happen soon, or more emotional pull needs to occur to keep me wanting to turn the page.
The actual writing flows nicely, and I never found myself stopping to try to figure out what you were trying to say, or saying myself, well that just doesn't flow.
Hope my rambling thoughts help in any small way, and that I wasn't to negative. (This is my first critique of anyones wirting other than my own in a long time. It has made me fearful of submitting my own work.
1. wow this is really well written and quite descriptive
2. but for some reason I don't care.
It was as if the flying away from the body of the mage bored me, but approaching the body of Aric finally began to intrigue me. I did love the fact that it began with one person, moved away as far as possible, and then zoomed down upon a different individual.
Overall though it felt wordy, passive, and not until you begin to descend upon Aric was I remotely engaged.
Question: Are there other instances of first person viewpoints where you actually ask questions to the reader again? If so this may tie in quiet nicely, if not it may seem out of place and just not a good fit for the rest of the novel.
The scene where Aric is getting dressed. The Gem seems important and intriguing, getting dressed does not. I know the character is putting on armor, but frankly he is still just getting dressed. Perhaps you dragged this out to emphasize the fact that he is making everyone up on deck wait so he can be fashionably late, but just saying that he is dragging it out would suffice.
If I ever was in a bookstore and a writer began the first chapter of his book by telling me that the character got out of bed, put on his underwear, followed by his socks, then he pulled up and buttoned his pants before pulling his shirt on and tucking it in. Sitting down he pulled on each sock, then tied his tie.
Well I would put the book down. Perhaps describe the pieces of armor you feel are important, (the ornate chest piece and the bit about the gem) and put the rest of the gear on off page.
The king interests me, how he rules interests me, the fact that no one ever gets to see him intersets me, his suggested or implied divinity interests me. I hope I get to learn more of this culture.
The 140 ships being mentioned three times in the span of a few sentences: my first thought was that he's going to tell me he started with 140 ships and now due to rough travels, pirates, and scurvy the fleet is down to 7. But then you just moved on. What was the purpose of mentioning it so many times if all you were doing is telling there were 140 of them? I got that with the first telling. (and damn that is a lot of ships... you going to colonize these islands or invade?)
WHAT HAPPENED IN THE NINE MONTH PRIOR ON THE VOYAGE? Did anything interesting happen? Did Aric really just meditate everyday and give a speech once a month. Surely there was some hardship? Some political intrigue? Maybe there wasn't, perhaps this was the most boring, uneventful 9 month voyage ever (boggle), but I'm curious one way or the other.
Why do they call it the Endless Sea if they believe the world is round? Endless implies that either: 1. you will sail forever and never find anything. Or 2. You will drop off the world at the end. Doesn't it seem that if they had discovered that you would simply circumvent the globe by traversing it that they would have renamed it something else? (this point is probably really nitpicking and should most likely be ignored).
I know its just my crude mind, but everytime I read Pellis I thought Penis.... I know I'm hopless and stupid.
How are they going to get up to the mountain? Tell me already.
Summary: The prologue was beautifully written, but bored me. It reminded me of one of those chapters where for some reason the author feels he must describe the scene to me in agonizing detail for 6 paragraphs before he gets to the good part. I usually find myself skipping such over-reaching descriptions, much as I had the urge to do to the first half of the prologue.
The culture you are creating intrigues me, however the gem in his chest seems a little marvel superhero ish. I am assuming it is a highly important part of the story however, so entirely necessary. To be honest if this was a book I was skimming to decide if I want to keep reading, the answer so far is not really. Something exciting better happen soon, or more emotional pull needs to occur to keep me wanting to turn the page.
The actual writing flows nicely, and I never found myself stopping to try to figure out what you were trying to say, or saying myself, well that just doesn't flow.
Hope my rambling thoughts help in any small way, and that I wasn't to negative. (This is my first critique of anyones wirting other than my own in a long time. It has made me fearful of submitting my own work.