Timewaster's Guide Archive

I'm doing none at the moment unfortunately.
Two shortstory projects I'm working on are in their critiquing, rewriting fase that's currently taking up all my available time. I should be able to throw in a critique here and there in a few weeks time though.

Although it took me a while to get into, once they were running around like wolves it started to grow on me.
The kicking wolf didn't work for me, in the whole chapter you give the impression of them being wolves (big dogs, shapeshifters) although falling a hundred feet and leaping across streets is stretching it somewhat. (Willing to go along with the street thing, not the 100 feet drop)
Also I didn't feel as though I was missing essential information so this could probably be adapted into chap 1 as well.

Since I'm running 'slightly' behind on commenting I'll keep it really brief till I catch up.

I liked the story and had no major hangups. Whether to put it in or not is up to you, and as Raethe said is impossible for us to tell at this point.
Also I wouldn't worry too much about the foreshadowing being obvious, I only gave it a casual read and wasn't bothered by it standing out.

I did consider those options but figured I'd just get a RAFO if he had thought of it. And if not, now would be a good time to mention it.

I really hope I'm wrong as well since I really liked what you were doing with this. I guess I'll RAFO

"I was wrong.  Always be careful what you wish for, you just might get it."

The first line of the first chapter is a bit of a giveaway on the wishing thing.

I'm with Twinky.

(I need a shirt with that line..)

Your use of telling details is really good. I read it as a short story and as such I really liked it up until the cigarette analogy part.

At that point the character switches from self-blame to self-pity and the latter is very hard to sympathise with as somebody pointed out already.

What I miss in this story is closure and the poetic justice of that. On the one hand I’d like to see the open doors analogy reflected in the end as you have her pick herself up and reward her for that. On the other hand I’d like to see her punished for her moping about.
As it is, I find the cyclical ending you have now very unfulfilling, in the end we’re right back where we started without any progress or change made.

As with the others I have very little experience with screenplays. In comparison to the ones I have read this one is a lot more detailed. But then, you’ve also written out the director’s view, which is normally not in the screenplay itself, from the little I know at least.
Since this is written for yourself there’s little point in going over small unclear things since you’ll know what you actually meant even if it’s not perfectly clear to an outside reader.

Overall I liked the story, you have a good atmosphere going on and the characters are well done.

Now I’ll get to the nitpicking.

Zombies and roundhouse kicks don’t go together. They are long established as slow stupid creatures that might lurch or something. Change the movement or have a predator creature kill him if you like the dynamics.

By having the predator run through the alley you give everything a sense of urgency. This is not carried through the next scenes, lots of talk in the deathscene, he then takes time to undress and take a shower, then performs rituals and only when he’s good and ready does the adversary make his entrance.
I would prefer it if the predator leisurely watches John from the roof as he passes. This will make Peter’s pointing to the roof seem a reference to the predator, and then have it watch as John takes that shower. This way you’d get more suspense than urgency, which goes better with the following scenes.

The deathscene seemed far too slow with two people telling each other who they are and what they should know. (This might be negated somewhat if you’d change the urgency to suspense)
Peter is looking into the face of eternal damnation yet speaks politely and has time to puzzle about John’s being there. If he is really just warding off death till his mind’s set at easy, which is implied by his dying as soon as that’s the case, he would be snappier and more absorbed by his own problems.

As John divulges he has seen Peter with Uriel behind him, having him look scared and dying shortly after will convey Uriel’s significance as well.

John seems to feel no sense of wonder about who’s operating the lights that guide him. He even feels safe enough to undress and take a shower. I have a hard time believing anyone but a very battle hardened veteran pull off such composure.

The circle is drawn indoors, I therefore assume a concrete floor and no way would a dagger be able to draw that circle into that.

Your use of Christian and Templar mythology is a bit confusing. His mentioning of Christ as his lord, his use of Latin and the catholic rituals are on one side. Yet on the other he dejects being called catholic, is a Templar (who were first endorsed by, and later betrayed by the Catholic Church.) and the temple of Solomon probably refers to the one raised by the Templars and not the original one. They are allowed only to use rituals used by any church, implying other non-Christian religious rituals would also work, and at the same time not adhering to a strict lore giving it a more agnostic appearance. Then in the end you mention his former colleague being an expert on pagan occultism, again going outside a Christian framework. And they refer to the original book of Jasher, implying a knowledge of changes being made in religious texts, but they also quote the bible without the acknowledgement of the changes made in that text.
To me this was confusing and I would prefer a single set of religious rules to serve as a framework for them to operate in. (even if you don’t mention them, it should at least make all of it more consistent.)

The part where John explains about all the missing agents seemed rather redundant, and also something Tom would know. The mere fact that his former colleague betrayed him would be enough incentive in itself because it’s more personal.

The conversation between John and Tom borders on lecture-ish, in combination with the visuals however I think you could make it work. Just be on guard that you’re stretching that conversation about as far as it will go.

Tom reminding John of his status with the Templars seems redundant. They both know, and his importance was established as soon as the dispatcher told people to specifically search for him.

The power corrupts cliché seems a bit weak, but might work out if John is preoccupied enough.

Establish a Church bell ringing in the background at the start of the duel to prove they waited until the time was there.


It’s at times hard to judge if something will or will not work because at some points the visuals will determine the pace. How that will work out in the end is virtually impossible to judge for me.
I am particularly curious though how you intend to use this as the opening of a series after killing all of the characters you established here.